Horrorscopes | The Beachside Resident

By: Lance Stardancer

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ARIES: What do you get for Christmas, Ram? A good ramming in the gonads for what you did last Christmas, that’s what.

TAURUS: And what about you, you frisky Bull? What will you find in your stocking? I figure you’ll find out that it’s about $20 in quarters when your ex slaps you across the jaw with one for what you did with that Aries last Christmas.

GEMINI: What do the Twins get for the Holidays? Double of everything, as your silly sign warrants. Sure, you get to bang two sexy twins before December 25th, but they both happen to own a Waffle House franchise. Which means you’ll be enjoying a double bypass operation before the New Year rings in.

CANCER: And what about you, you crusty crab? What do you get for Christmas? A case of the crusty crabs, unfortunately.

LEO: ROAR! That’s what you courageous Lions growl on a regular basis. But come the 22nd, you’ll be whimpering “Mommy” when your Doctor finds a polyp in your REAR.

VIRGO: If ever there ever were a nubile, innocent Virgin in this world, she certainly never crossed your path, much less your zip code. I hope to God you get some leg warmers this Christmas — those ones that cover your entire legs up to your pelvic region and seal tightly with a padlock around your groin. That should do the trick.

LIBRA: How in the world do you balance sex appeal with fame? Well, take away your obvious lack of sex appeal, for one, and your pitiful unpopularity will begin making some semblance of sense.

SCORPIO: You’re the sex sign, right? Wrong. The only sex you manage to get is when your bank charges you your final overdraft fee for screwing up your balance. That’d be six, not sex. Six whole dollars. That’s minus six dollars. Not very sexy at all, if you ask me.

SAGITTARIUS: Lord knows what to do with you, Sag. This Christmas, I recommend burying yourself in Cancer’s lap and crying yourself to sleep. Just watch out for the crabs.

CAPRICORN: You know what gets the Goat’s goat? Three camouflaged guys under cover of night with some very strong wire cutters, that’s what. Your goat is gone, Goat. What are you gonna do about it? Not much, that’s for sure. You’ve always been a big wimp anyway.

AQUARIUS: Ah, the Water Bearer. One of the most complex and compelling of signs. What is it that makes you so appealing to people? What makes you so inscrutable, fascinating, and mysterious? Don’t ask me, I’m busy spending time with the other eleven members of the Zodiac complaining about how inscrutable, fascinating, and mysterious all the other idiots out there think you are.

PISCES: Now the Fish — that’s a sign to be proud of. A fish. A freaking smelly, slimy fish that tastes like fish. You’ve already legally changed your name to “Dylan” to make yourself sound more enticing, so why not try changing your sign to to something slightly more attractive than a freaking fish.