The Smartest Guy in the Room

By David Sherman

Article Category: David Sherman

“HALLELUJAH! The drought is ended! The crops are saved! What the… LOCUSTS !”

That’s how it feels. Against all odds, in spite of some of the most hateful, bigoted, and despicable lies I’ve ever heard in a presidential campaign, in a country where far too may people still believe that “White makes Right,” we finally elected the smartest man in the room. Oh yeah, he also happens to be black. Okay, “technically,” he’s half black, but that’s enough to make the Bigots in Bedsheets go completely frothy at the mouth, even in a year when Linens and Things is having a huge going-out-of-business sale!

For those of us who prefer to look beyond such external details and weigh the true worth of the man, it feels like the dawn of a new day. Of course after the last eight years under the bumbling partisan “leadership” of George W. Bush, a night light would seem like the dawn of a new day. After a President whose only grasp of economics upon attaining office was how much to pay for an 8-ball and a bottle of Jack in 48 states, a man who referred to the country to the north as “Canadia,” a man who gave us such immortal moments as “My Pet Goat,” “Mission Accomplished,” and “Brownie’s doing a fine job,” a trained ferret would be a quantum leap up the intellectual food chain!

Let’s face it, “Dubya” could only make Smartest Man in the Room if the room were filled with broccoli, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts — and even then, I’d have to lean toward one of the vegetable contenders (and that’s my list of Most Hated Vegetables!). Lentils he could beat… Well, one lentil. Maybe. Just so long as it didn’t talk too fast, or bring up complex topics like “vegetable protein.” You know he would still call it a little brown pea.

As for Darth Cheney, I’ll still only believe him truly gone when I see it. I think he’s going to lock himself in that man-sized safe and go rogue. Only in America can you mix cocktails and quail hunting, shoot an old man in the face, avoid the police until you sober up, and then have the old man publicly apologize to you! That may be a bit misleading. “You” could not do any of that and not go to jail. What I should have said is that only in America could a politically connected, corporate mogul with Evil Super Powers from the Dark Side do those things! Also, only in America could a man stand up before the nation and explain all the reasons for NOT invading Iraq, including that it would take decades to fix it once it was smashed, and then, just 8 years later, orchestrate that very same invasion, and THEN act shocked that reconstruction was not an overnight affair.

I know. The fans of Kool Aid’s new “Bushie Berry” flavor, are near apoplectic hearing me continue to cast aspersions on their tag-team champions, but I remember hearing “Slick Willy” jokes loooong after the end of the Clinton administration; so fair is fair. I will ask that they understand we never “bashed” Bush and Cheney as stupid and evil just because we hated them. We did it because they WERE stupid and evil (Hell, they still are! ). The hatred was just a bonus. A spoonful of sugar, if you will, to make the taste of bile go away.

It’s also not as if the hate hasn’t already begun on the other side for Obama. I don’t recall the world hanging on every word of a President Elect before. It took the Republicans under Dubya and Darth Cheney 8 years to gut environmental controls, ravage public schools and universities, steal the nation blind, start a war on false pretenses, and drive our economy to the very brink of ruin, yet now voices from that side of the aisle (or the bar) are snidely saying, “What change? I don’t see any change!” Come on, people! The man’s not even in office yet! You’re filling out his First Year Performance Review and he hasn’t even clocked in? Now that’s some bull feces !

My latest favorite is the sarcastic commentary on Obama’s proposed Public Works Program. “That’s nothing new! Whine. Whine. We saw that with Roosevelt. Whine. Whine.” Really? If you get caught out in the rain and I hand you an umbrella, are you actually going to refuse it just because you’ve seen it before? News flash: IT’s POURING OUTSIDE! Just take the damned umbrella! Or would you rather have the guy who tells you that his Pet Goat likes it when Jesus makes the clouds cry?

I know many people only wanted one thing in their stocking this year: Bimbo Barbie with the Caribou Kung Fu Grip. They also assumed it would be brought by a really, really old white guy who’s not sure whose house he’s in. Me? I’m looking forward to a Holiday Season when I already know I’m getting the one present I wanted more than anything else. The Smartest Guy in the Room will be in charge! (Oh, and this year, my present… It’s not being brought by a white guy! )

So Blessed Yule, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and a Joyous Kwanzaa. May whatever God you embrace embrace you as well, and may you embrace others in turn. (And may the clouds only cry when the grass is thirsty.)