Horrorscopes | The Beachside Resident

By: Lance Stardancer

Article Category: Horrorscopes Leave a Comment

ARIES: Oh, what joys lie ahead for you in the New Year. Romance, intrigue, steamy sex with multiple partners, brain surgeries… no wait. That’s the next season of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Sorry.

TAURUS: Fortune will befall you this year, there is no doubt about that. Or will fortune fall on you. It’s a little foggy. Just to be safe, stay away from tall buildings and wear a hard hat.

GEMINI: 2009 will bring unexpected joy when a distant relative dies and leaves you a great fortune. The only downside is the hereditary gene you share that killed him at the age you are now.

CANCER: Things get a little topsy turvy at the beginning of the year, but eventually smooth out once you’re admitted to a mental health facility and receive a regular dose of heavy sedation.

LEO: Don’t get too concerned when you go broke, lose your significant other in a ugly divorce and break both legs in a freak bocce accident. Everything will be all better when a friend passes along her copy of “The Secret.”

VIRGO: Distraction will play an important role in your ability to make the best of what this year will bring you. And by distraction, I mean abusive relationships, hard drugs and an solid regimen of hard booze. They should all do the trick.

LIBRA: Your scales will be tipped and your balance will be thrown off when you decide to enter a pie eating contest on a high wire.

SCORPIO: No matter what happens, you’re a good person and you deserve the best in life. This is what you keep telling yourself all the way up to your sentence hearing.

SAGITTARIUS: You work hard to keep those abs taught and your your pecs popping. Fitness bells ring in this New year for you, but unfortunately in the bedroom you will only hear a little ding-a-ling.

CAPRICORN: This could be the year of you finally becoming that confident, independent person you’ve always striven to be. So come out of the closet and move out of your mother’s house.

AQUARIUS: The demons you wrestled with last year come back to haunt you and it looks like they’ve been training and may possibly be on steroids. They’re also wearing some pretty fruity outfits which will make your defeat that much worse.

PISCES: In an unexpected unfortunate event, you will suffer some serious burns in a kitchen fire while working the grill at your local Outback, leaving you brown on the outside but still a little pink in the middle.