Inquire of Romeo

By: Romeo Pomodoro

Article Category: Inquire of Romeo

Caro Romeo,

It has been literally centuries since our last meeting, however, as has occurred with your carissima Mamma, I have miraculously recovered, thanks to San Gennaro, from the vile poison I consumed so long ago, and am in buonissima salute. One might even say that I am voluptuously endowed, which has always been your preference. Upon my rinascimento, I was sent for recovery to the bellissime beaches of Napoli, the well established Cita’ dell’ Amore. There, of course, I was educated profundamente in all matters sensuali, and romantiche, along with the other Arte Belle. Among my required study were the instructive works of the great Italian stallion, Boccaccio, who actually learned everything in the Decamerone in Napoli, rather than in his family’s cold Tuscan countryside. Just the thought of the North makes my blood turn to ghiaccio (Mi scuzi, ma credo che nell’ inglese si dice: ice.) in my veins! Per continuare, my discourse up to this point has only been to bring you up to date on my Rinascimento Miracoloso and Risorgimento al Mare. However, as I have just recently become aware of your existence during my piccolo soggiorno in your area, I would now like to comment briefly on some of the correspondence you have received from your local, confused males. As you noted, the marinero focused on his naval should raise his head so that he may better observe the exciting attributes of a REAL woman. Yes, dreams can come true! Also, as you so succinctly observed, the “reasonably handsome” General should realize that women are not interested in men who jingle their jewels in their pockets by day and spend the nights playing ball with their privates! Rather than men with “pumped up” bicepts, we prefer those of normal proportions, but with the developed intellectual perceptions and sensitivities to indulge in romantic foreplay and nights spent in delightful one-on-one intercourse. As regards your arch nemesis, Renzo, I have yet to meet him alfresco nor al coperto , but would like to remind him that the pomodoro, or “golden apple,” is actually the very sensuous ingredient that gives the sexually vibrant red color and healthful aphrodisiac benefits to the sauce served on the otherwise bland pasta alle vongole or ai polpetti so gluttonously consumed by the populace. Every woman worth her sea salt and well versed in the arts of la bella cucina knows that the creamy white sauces of the North cannot compete in these matters with the salsa Fra’ Diavolo nor the salsa Puttanesca of the South!

Arrivederci, Caro Romeo!
Giulietta
Napoli

Come again?

Romeo,

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and our love life is beginning to show signs of strain. Just between you and me, we haven’t slept together in five years! I consider myself to be pretty handsome and fit, yet it’s always me who starts making the moves. She’s just not interested. I’m dying for some sexual contact from her but don’t know what to do. Our anniversary is coming up this month and I’d like to take her somewhere that’ll put her in the mood. Can you suggest a romantic restaurant to help spark our sex life?

“Kirk”
Satellite Beach

Dear Chris,

I recommend taking her to place where lobster is served. That way if all else fails, you’re guaranteed a nice piece of tail.

Romeo,

Do you really think your answers over before you send out your advice? I’m a licensed relationship therapist and have conducted many studies in the field. Based on a few cursory readings of your column over the past year, I can tell you that your responses need to be more circumscribed.

“Dr. Sam”
Melbourne Beach

Rev. Bill, for your information I was circumscribed at birth.

R.P.,

Do you have any thoughts the erection?

Yuko M.
Kobe, Japan

Yuko, I cannot answer this question in good conscience. Let’s just say that I’m happy Obama got into orifice.