Horrorscopes

By: Lance Stardancer

Article Category: Horrorscopes

CAPRICORN: Life isn’t nearly as dark as you make it out to be. But you have to admit that it’s hard to look on the bright side when they turn the lights out at the detox center by 8 p.m.

AQUARIUS: It’s clear your energy level has been running low since the beginning of the summer. Why not recharge your batteries? I think most “personal massagers” take two “D” batteries.

PISCES: There’s no denying you’re good at what you do. But that’s no reason to strut about like you’re the cock of the walk. Or the cock of anything, for that matter.

ARIES: There’s no turning back now. You must forge ahead. Keep your balance and move forward. Like riding a bike. Only this time pretend like the bike is your wife and not a hooker.

TAURUS: There are better things in life than what you’ve got going on. I don’t know exactly what it is your doing, but surely there have got to be better things out there.

GEMINI: This month, disaster could be averted with some quick thinking and a positive outlook. And those are just two of many things you do not possess.

CANCER: The economy is in the dump, your love life is a sham and your dog is constantly attempting escape. Things could be worse. And they will be. Way worse.

LEO: So that special someone you met the other night didn’t call. Big deal. If my calculations are correct, there’s a slim-to-none chance that that special someone wasn’t all that special to begin with.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to stock up on your hurricane supplies. Not because of any looming tropical disaster, but you will need plenty of food and water when you’re evicted from your home.

SCORPIO: You’ve tried everything. Shaving, waxing, lasers. Stay tenacious Scorpio, having a hairless cat is well worth the wait.

LIBRA: Finding fault with everything your partner is not going to change the fact that everything they do is wrong. Instead of finding fault, just tell them how stupid they are.

SAGITTARIUS: So you didn’t quite get yourself in the best shape for your summer swimsuit. What really matters is how hard you tried. This doesn’t mean you should try as hard to fit into it anyway though.