This month’s movie reviews include Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince, Orphan and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Feel free to comment and let us know what you think!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Directed by David Yates; 2009
THE BEST PART of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” is that Dumbledore dies. That wrinkly old pedophile got what was coming to him. Nah — just kidding, Dumbledore rules. Which brings us to the real best part of the latest Potter installment: its comedy. Though arguably the most tragic of the films (Snape goes from lovably mean to awfully evil by murdering Dumbledore), the only memorable scenes in “Half-Blood Prince” are those when one of the kids is drugged up on potion (Harry on liquid luck and Ron on love potion-spiked chocolate are sights to see) or anytime the adorably absurd Luna Lovegood is around, speaking nonsense and wearing funny hats. Though enjoyable, but with none of the mystique or adventure of the previous films, the rest of “Half-Blood Prince” is really rather bland. Most of it involves Draco Malfoy brooding in shadowy corridors. Anyway, THE BIGGEST PROBLEM is that Harry doesn’t really do anything. Check that — he doesn’t really WANT anything. He does what Dumbeldore tells him to do, but never with the deep desire that seems to propel him through the other movies. What of the fear, the rage, the sadness, the isolation and the power that filled him in “Order of the Phoenix”? What of his unspoken but ever-evident personal mission, to avenge his parents and defeat Voldemort once and for all? It comes up, but only briefly, and only at the end. Perhaps we should just take this movie for what it is, a mostly reliable vanishing cabinet meant to transport us from the world of the first five films to the world of the final two. And those are sure to be magical.
Orphan
Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra; 2009
THE BEST PART of “Orphan” is the reveal at the end, details of which this review has no intention of spoiling here and now. Let’s just say it comes at the right time, in a way that just kind of works. No, “Orphan” doesn’t have one of those “Sixth Sense,” “Usual Suspects,” or “Fight Club” moments that change your perception of the entire movie and give you the overwhelming urge to see it again if only to notice the clues you missed the first time around. It’s more like an episode of “House,” with one of those mystery solved blanks filled in, “but we still need to treat the patient and work on our own personal issues”-moments. “Orphan” offers no big “Wow!” but it certainly earns a respectable, “Ohhhhh…” at least. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM with “Orphan” is that there’s not nearly enough, as they say in high school English class, “falling action.” In other words, the denouement is wanting. “Orphan” does a commendable job at making you care about the family that is torn apart (quite literally) by the addition of little orphan Esther. So when she’s, er, out of the picture, it’d be nice to see the, er, remaining members settling back into their everyday lives. What happens to the deaf girl? The injured boy? Mom? Still, “Orphan” holds up as a decent thriller. It’s up there (or rather, hanging there in the middle) with films like “What Lies Beneath,” which is about as good as forgettable movies get. See it once, maybe on video, enjoy it, and never think of it again.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Directed by Michael Bay; 2009
THE BEST PART of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is that despite being a gargantuan steaming pile of absurd, inane, and profoundly disappointing tripe, it’s remarkably watchable. The plot might be ridiculous, the characters hackneyed, the humor second-grade at best, but something about this nineteen-hour CGI/Megan Fox extravaganza keeps the eyes — nay, the brain — nay, the entire body — utterly transfixed in a state of entertainment catatonia. “Revenge of the Fallen” is like a trainwreck that morphs into a giant gorilla that proceeds to destroy the nearest children’s hospital using its enormous penis as a battering ram. It’s tragic. Slightly sick. And such a high level of strange that you can’t help but find it deeply –almost chemically — compelling. Viewing this movie excites the senses and attacks the sensibilities so thoroughly, you can’t help but leave the theater feeling slightly less than human. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM with “Transformers: Revenge of Michael Bay’s Id” is not it’s hyper-masculine undertones or overall stupidity, but that much of it is just in bad taste. Forget the giant alien robot monster with wrecking ball testicles, and the fact that all the women are sexy bimbos or airheaded mothers — you can’t overlook the mind-blowing offensiveness that is the twin Autobots, Skids and Mudflap. This pair of slang-slinging clown cars are what you get if you mix slapstick violence, bad urban thug stereotypes and minstrel-show era racism, and animate it. Unforgivably awful, especially since it’s meant for kids.
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• Issue 6, Volume 5, August 2009
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You wrote about Dumbledore: “…That wrinkly old pedophile got what was coming to him…” This isn’t even funny – you’re a clueless moron for writing it.