By: David Sherman
Article Category: David Sherman
The parable: The dear, elderly widow, Mrs. Whatever, dies in her sleep at the age of 93. The coroner says it was a heart attack, her doctor concurs, adding that it was her fifth, the police don’t feel any need to investigate. Her only son, Steve Whatever, inherits her vast fortune. Everyone agrees it’s sad, but no one thinks anything is amiss. Enter Squirrely Yates, a local bag lady whose only outstanding features are her addictions to eyeliner, the sound of her own voice, and the sound of all the other voices in her head. She also has a burning and abiding hatred for the young Mr. Whatever. Squirrely Yates says the son killed the dear widow with rat poison. No one with a rational mind believes her, but every community has its share of conspiracy nuts and just plain idiots with nothing better to do. Their town has quite a few, all of whom start protesting, waving around signs calling for an autopsy. Just to shut them up, an autopsy is performed: no rat poison. You would think this would be the end of the matter, but idiots will be idiots so now they add signs claiming the autopsy was a cover-up.
Enter Wm. Tulip, a local politician. Mr. Tulip doesn’t bear any particular ill will toward Mr. Whatever, but he has noticed that all of those idiots with the signs are also registered voters! Thus, despite his country being involved in two wars, and it’s economy just barely pulled back from the brink of a full scale depression and riddled with rising unemployment, Mr. Tulip decides to pass a law requiring all persons purchasing rat poison to provide three forms of identification, and be subjected to a 30-day waiting period. He’s adamant about not implying anything about the Whatever family tragedy, he’s just saying… rat poison, that’s what’s important… and, P.S., all idiots, conspiracy nuts, etc., VOTE TULIP!
The Reality: Sen. Barack Obama wins the 2008 presidential election by a popular margin of 53% vs. 46%, or an electoral margin of 68% vs. 32%, thus becoming the 44th President of the United Staes of America. No one felt any need to investigate. There were no hanging chads in Florida, no funky, voting machine irregularities in Ohio, or Supreme Court involvement. Done Deal. Enter Orly Taitz, a Russian born dentist/real estate agent/lawyer/2nd-degree black belt, a woman who is just two curved brush strokes away from Tammy Faye Bakker, and most definitely fascinated by the sound of her own voice (and, I suspect, many other voices as well!). This woman is Zsa Zsa Gabor with better diction, but much less class. An agenda without the impulse control. No Mr. Haney, but a lot of Mr. Cheney.
According to Dr. Taitz (or “Tate,” her Americanized name) our new President was born in Kenya and not the United States and is, therefore, ineligible to run for, or serve as, President of the United States. People checked. Certificate of Live Birth, on file. We’re good. “A forgery!” cries Dr. Taitz, who then produces a Kenyan birth certificate. Those of you packing a full chromosome load can guess what came next: Obama’s Hawaiian certificate, confirmed; Taitz’s Kenyan rag proven to be the forgery. Several subsequent Kenyan certificates follow, each disproven. I think we’re on four or five by now. Mostly by now, this quixotic cause is only still followed by the most frayed of the very, far right fringe. (This is sounding eerily familiar!) They’ve even been given a name, “The Birther Movement,” which I guess does roll off the tongue better than “Cro-Magnon, Tin Hat Freak Show!”
Enter Bill Posey, a local politician. More specifically, the U.S. Representative from Rockledge, serving Florida’s 15th District, which is to say myself and many of you. Mr. Posey’s country is involved in two wars, its economy has just barely been pulled back from the brink of a full- scale depression, and is riddled with rising unemployment. (Again with the familiar!) Yet Mr. Posey thinks that what is really needed right now is a law requiring all candidates for president to produce their birth certificate. On the surface, Congressman Posey’s bill does make sense. He has also said that his bill is not meant to cast aspersions on President Obama’s legitimacy, but rather to forestall any such confusion in the case of future candidates. He’s just saying… birth certificates, that’s what’s important… and, P.S., all idiots, conspiracy nuts, etc., VOTE POSEY! (Eerie off the charts!)
Just as in our parable, it’s hard to pin the politician’s actions down on true intent, but the timing sure sounds like flagrant pandering to the looniest of the fringe. The fringe is certainly taking it that way. Mr. Posey’s bill is being waved all over the news circuits as yet another chapter in the “Birther” saga. What fires me up about it is that I know Mr. Posey is not an ignorant man. He is not a wingnut, cro-magnon or otherwise; he’s actually by all evidence, save this stunt, a very intelligent man. BUT…if that’s the case, then why is he wasting my time, your time — our time — on this drivel? I would love to believe that Congressman Posey is motivated purely by non-partisan patriotism, and that he seeks only to close a loophole in the wording of our must cherished documents. Hell, it’s even a good idea… but not right now! I’d like to buy as much dollar-a-gallon gas as you could find for me, but don’t bring it by while my house is on fire! I’ll have more pressing concerns, and you would only be making matters worse. Surely, Mr. Congressman, you can find something to fix that needs it more than this. Maybe something less divisive, something that won’t just throw more gas on the fire. Don’t be a parable, don’t be a cliché, and don’t be a party hack. Be the person many of us non-Republicans thought you could be when we helped elect you.
As for those of you out there who still subscribe to the Birther theories, I know I’ll get e-mail. Let’s face it, conspiracy nuts and computers go together like meth labs and mobile homes, and we’ll probably never be best of friends. Still, I will offer some advice, spoken directly through those fixed and dilated double doors right into that dingy, dim duplex of delusion and dementia you’re using in lieu of a fully functional brain. Here it is: turn off FOX News, take off your tin foil hat, put on some pants, and move out of your mother’s garage, because if you don’t start talking to people outside your front door instead of the people under the stairs, you’re gonna wind up in a harshly lit place with pastel padding run by people named “Doctor” and “Nurse”; a place where 1 in 4 of your new roommates thinks they’re either a papaya, a pirate, or a panda bear, and the big girl next to you in finger paint class hears even more voices than you! I know that sounds a teensy bit severe, and it would be quieter if I just agreed with you… but then we’d both be wrong! (Oh, and Bill — for most of us, there was never any confusion!)
Blessed Yule to all, and to all a good night.
• Issue 10, Volume 5, December 2009
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David Sherman,
Sounds like you are afraid of something. Maybe you still live in your mothers garage.
You use a lot of words to defend what? It will take less time to pass a law to produce a birth certificate than to complete your story.
By the way, we’ve been involved in two wars for 8 years now, where was your urgency then.
Sounds like someone’s afraid.
Isn’t that right David.
Loved it.
I have no idea how every single thing they bring up is debunked, but they buy the next crazy forgery or theory.
I suppose that’s not entirely true. I know how and why. They want it to be true. Pure hate drives them.
What is obama hiding, Jimbo? You are an accomplice in this conspiracy:
Original, vault copy birth certificate — Not released
Certificate of Live Birth — Released — Counterfeit claims
Obama/Dunham marriage license — Not released
Obama/Dunham divorce — Released (by independent investigators)
Soetoro/Dunham marriage license — Not released
Soetoro adoption records — Not released
Soetoro/Dunham divorce — Released (by independent investigators)
Fransiskus Assisi School School application — Released (by independent investigators)
Punahou School records — Not released
Selective Service Registration — Released — Counterfeit claims
Occidental College records — Not released
Passport — Not released and records scrubbed clean by Obama’s terrorism and intelligence adviser.
Columbia College records — Not released
Columbia thesis — Not released
Harvard College records — Not released
Harvard Law Review articles — None
Baptism certificate — None
Medical records — Not released
Illinois State Senate records — None
Illinois State Senate schedule — Lost
Law practice client list — Not released
University of Chicago scholarly articles — None
Source: Morning Security News Brief via Internal Company News Wire-Washington
Nice story. Are you sure this Posey fellow is not from RockRIDGE, the fake town they built in the movie Blazing Saddles?
If you get complaints from birthers, just send them over to my place. That’s all we do, treat birthers.
A reporter with an income less than a cab driver acting superior. Don’t that just beat all.
Absolutely brilliant parable. And I love the line “This woman is Zsa Zsa Gabor with better diction, but much less class.” That is the perfect description of her.
I’ve sent this link to a bunch of sites exposing birthers. You deserve to get some traffic for such a great piece of writing.
When the media, so enchanted in 2008, flee this sinking ship they will turn and start asking the questions they should have been asking all along. “Why would you pay Pekins Coie over $1.5M to keep your birth, school, passport and health records sealed?” “There was a poll of 400 Columbia College students from the years you were enrolled not one of them remembers you – why is that? who were your friends there?” “When you travelled Pakistan in the early 80’s, was that on an American passport?” “Have you ever been a citizen of another country?” “Have you ever been a Muslim?” “How did you pay for your college and Law School?”… The list is endless. Never asked…. Never aswered… instead we found out what kind of puppies he prefers. Way to go “journalists”. This debacle is firmly your making.
I find it disturbing jews defending a muslim…jews gonna be the first casualty of this presidency…I understand jewish involvement in Russian revolution due to pogroms and everyday abuse…what is the reason of jewish involvement now?
Nice article, and it’s already been linked to on Orly’s Facebook page by one of her Orlbots with a plea to “please sue this scum bag.” You know you’ve hit a nerve when the wing nuts start calling you names. Well done!
How many times do we have to explain the same friggin thing…..Obama has not spent 1.5 million dollars on these suits….you are grabbing a number posted from the FEC that includes ALL legal work done during Obama’s campaign. 99.9% of that money had nothing to do with keeping things secret, but normal legal work done by all campaigns. Birfers are the most ignorant, dishonest folks. Obama’s elligibility lawsuits have cost a grand total of somewhere between 500 and 3000 bucks. Idiots. Most of the cases have been dismissed w/o attorneys. And another thing, Obama has not ’sealed’ his records any more than any other president who doesn’t want morons poking through his private life. Give it a rest. Enjoy the scary black man.
“No one felt any need to investigate.”
Sherman, you are an idiot. There were plenty of people investigating Obama BEFORE he was elected. DO YOUR RESEARCH!!!
“Obama has not ’sealed’ his records any more than any other president who doesn’t want morons poking through his private life.”
Theo, you are an idiot. If you are the President, the highest PUBLIC employee, you are not entitled to keep your ‘records’ secret. It goes with the job, moron. McCain joyfully ‘gave up’ his birth certificate, medical and school records when he was asked. OBAMA HAS NOT! No one will end up ending this half “black man”, as he will go down in US history as the worst President of all time.
Thanks for the laugh, Mr. Sherman.
Birthers, or to use the more PC term: “Alternative Reality Americans,” are not stupid, they simply suffer from cognitive dysfunction caused by the sight of a black man in the white house who is not a servant.
Speaking of Orly Taitz, who is she going to get to write her legal pleadings for her now that her ex-lover Charlie Lincoln is going to wind up in jail (again) for practicing law without a license in the state of Florida. OOOPs, it looks like Orly also forgot to tell the Cal Bar that she had hired him (a disbarred lawyer). That is a clear violation of Cal bar rules. Tsk, Tsk. Tsk. . . .
As far as Steve’s comment about the link from Orly’s facebook page and the cries to sue the writer of this great article. Orly made herself a public figure by becoming the head of the birther movement. If she were to decide to sue, I think that the case of Flynt v Falwell would apply. When Hustler magazine published an ad portraying Falwell having sex with his mother in an outhouse, it went to the Supreme Court and the court sided with Flynt because he was lampooning a public figure and it was considered free speech (I think). Regardless, Flynt won and I think he ever counter sued Falwell because Falwell had copied the ad from Hustler and sent out thousands of copies. Flynt sued Falwell for copyright infringement. I don’t know the result of that case.
Wake up Liberals, this administration is destroying America. I believe that if you don’t work as a productive part of society, then we don’t need to feed and house you. Granted there are a small majority that really need it, but come to Michigan and see all the losers who user there welfare card to buy steak and cheese, then pull out a $20 bill to pay for their beer. I want to run them down in the parking lot. Keep punding the wealthy and they will all leave this great nation and leave it to the bunny hugging tree squeezing Liberals who would know the truth if it fell from the sky.
Wonderful, wonderful piece, which I see has brought the birfers out in the comments. Ouch, don’t you just hate it when you hit a nerve like that! The last paragraph should be bronzed.
To the birthers here. Please take your racism out of here and back tyo your klan meeting.
Mark you do know the unemployment rate in Michigan don’t you?
Just produce the long form birth certificate and the birthers will shut up!