Horrorscopes: December ‘09

By: Lance Stardancer

Article Category: Horrorscopes

SAGITTARIUS Time to start thinking about those New Year’s resolutions, Sag. I’d begin by running more frequently and much further than you have in the past. Buenos Aires isn’t as far away as it looks.

CAPRICORN You’re finally getting the respect you deserve, but this is only a glimpse of what’s to come. This time next year, you’ll be wearing that tattered “Corn Hole Champion” crown with a curious mixture of accomplishment and abject embarrassment.

AQUARIUS The cooler weather has definitely brought out the worst in you. I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but that embroidered American flag sweater needs to be burnt, pronto.

PISCES You wouldn’t mind if a certain relationship developed a bit more quickly, but pushing won’t help. Face it, your mother doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.

ARIES The years have taken their toll on you, that much is certain. It may have something to do with the 20 years you’ve spent collecting tolls without taking so much as a two-week vacation. Get out of that booth and live a little before it’s too late.

TAURUS It’s time to shift that “take no prisoners” attitude into high gear later this month. Which works out nice, seeing as how you’ve been kicked off the police force for extortion and racketeering.

GEMINI Put some faith in your mental abilities this month. If you can manage to polish up your social graces and limit your temper tantrums, you’ll have a good chance of returning safely to the dance floor.

CANCER Time for a big overhaul of your life, crab. Might be best to start small before moving upward directly. If you’re going to get anywhere, you may want to reconsider this whole punching-people-in-the-face-for-no-reason philosophy. Things can only get better.

LEO Have you been naughty or nice this year, Leo? It’s hard to tell. But the way you blur the line between the two, it’s no wonder you’re forbidden from dressing up like Santa in the State of Florida.

VIRGO When everything starts coming up roses for you later this month, you can bet that it’s all due to the huge amount of fertilizer you’ve been spreading around for the past year.

LIBRA Your life is like a big Hollywood blockbuster full of romance, action, mystery, suspense, hot sex, and uproarious comedy. So what’s the problem? You asked Jerry Lewis to direct.

SCORPIO You are one terrible judge of character, Scorp. You should have known that selling drugs to a man who calls himself “The Sheriff” would only end in heartache.