Inquire of Romeo: December ‘09 | The Beachside Resident

By: Romeo Pomodoro

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Dear Romeo,

You don’t know me, but I see you every Monday, Wednesday and Friday stocking up on pasta at the local Publix. The first two times I saw you were pure coincidence, but by the third time I realized that this was a pattern of yours. Ever since then, I’ve gone religiously to the supermarket and straight to the aisle where I know you’ll be — about 9 a.m., right? — in hopes of striking up a conversation with you. But I always lose my nerve. I’m not some crazy stalker, just a smitten admirer who’d really love to get to know you better. I’m really shy and always talk myself out of approaching you because I’m afraid of being rejected. May I have your permission to speak to you, and yes, maybe even win a date with you? It would make a great Christmas present!

“Molly”
Cape Canaveral

So you’re the girl with the luscious rump I always see bending down for the cannellini beans! Maggie, you are more than welcome to approach me. Fear not; Romeo rejects no one. I’ll be hosting many upscale dinner parties as Christmas draws nearer and will need much more pasta, so you’re certain to see me. Just be careful, because I can be very stealthy. Before you’ve even noticed me, I can sneak up behind you and give you a Christmas goose! If you are offended by this, I can only advise you to turn the other cheek! Shopping is a pleasure!

Yooo, Roomeoo!

Whaaasuuup? And whaaat is uuup with women? Whyyyy won’t they give me the time of daaay? I’m frustraaated! Aaaarggh! Uuuuurg! Heeeelp!

Bill S.

(Sent from his iPhone)

Women are indeed very curious and alluring creatures, Chip, and can often seem rather cold and callous. But there is always a good reason for their aloofness, for women are also highly intelligent beings. My guess is that you’re being given the cold shoulder because of your loose vowels.

Dear Romeo Pomodoro,

I’m very worried about my son-in-law, Jack. My eldest daughter, Katie, had been dating Jack since high school before they decided to get married last summer. Up until recently, I never saw anything really wrong with Jack. He’s always been very good to Katie, is always courteous, works hard, is clean-cut, and has always been very respectful during all our family gatherings. Over the past few months, however, I’ve overheard Jack making some very homophobic comments — so violently homophobic, in fact, that I’m beginning to question his rationality and the safety of Katie too. Katie, for her part, laughs it all off as healthy machismo, but I detect something deeper and darker in Jack’s disapproval of homosexuals. My husband and I raised our children (we have five) to be open-minded and accepting of other ideas, cultures, and lifestyles, and I worry that Katie is setting herself up for disaster by shrugging off Jack’s comments. I know that she has some close homosexual friends from college, but I haven’t heard her say anything about them for some time. I worry that she may have ditched them for Jack’s sake. Am I being paranoid? This Christmas, I’ll be inviting “Rudy,” a gay friend from the hospital where I work over for dinner with the family, as he has nowhere to go this year. Katie and Jack are supposed to come too. Should I tell them beforehand? They may not show up. Should I just let things take their natural course? I wouldn’t dare tell Rudy; he’s a very dear friend. I’m afraid Jack will explode and ruin our Christmas and hurt Rudy’s feelings — if not more. Can you help?

Desperate In Indialantic

Dear woman, I suggest you do neither. I have a feeling that what Jack will respond the least to right now is the feminine approach. If you so desire, I, who am very manly, will offer to meet Jack at a local bar where he can feel safe in expressing himself. We will drink beer together and watch men in tight pants tackle each other on the television. We may even hug when the team we prefer makes a scoredown. Later, we can knock our balls together on the pool table, at which point I will sidle over to the jukebox and play some Abba. This will cue the arrival of my hairdressers (yes, it takes two…), Wulf and Rolf. They will remind him that a pair of queens will always beat a jack. That should put a spring in his step!

Romeo,

I flew to Indiana last week to get my copy of “Going Rogue” signed by Sarah Palin and got one of those bracelets that guaranteed me a chance to meet her and waited in the freezing cold for hours before she hightailed it out of the parking lot without so much as an apology. Who does she think she is? I am fit to be tied.

“Joan”
Melbourne Beach

I’m glad you are so inclined, Janice, because I’m very fit to tie you up and recite some passages from her book to you to get you in the mood. Drill, baby, drill!