Horrorscopes: January ‘10

By: Lance Stardancer

Article Category: Horrorscopes

CAPRICORN Most folks gauge the temperature outside with a handy thermometer, or simply by looking out the window. Unfortunately, you don’t have that luxury, seeing as how all yours are covered up with tin foil.

AQUARIUS As the moon enters your 7th house, it might be pertinent to ask yourself a question: Why do you have so many houses? Two or three, I can see. But seven? No wonder your property taxes are out of control.

PISCES This is the time to test your resolve on the resolutions you’ve set for yourself. Climbing Everest? Maybe not. Clawing your way up the mound of dirty socks in the hallway? More likely.

ARIES 2009 was quite a roller coaster for you, wasn’t it? Aside from puking on the poor housewife sitting next to you and losing all your change in the loop-de-loop, you got kicked out of the park for trying to get on again in an alcoholic stupor. Disney is for losers. The State Fair is more your style.

TAURUS Who’s in this year? Fat chance you’re getting on the list. Who’s out? You are, that’s who. You really should have hidden all those Liza Minnelli CDs before your poker buddies arrived.

GEMINI Things couldn’t be better for you in the workplace. You get to lie and deceive without being reprimanded, you can say anything you want without fear of reprisals, and each time you voice your uninformed, idiotic opinions they triple your salary. Welcome to “Fox & Friends.”

CANCER The New Year brings much in the way of surprises for you, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. But a child you fathered at a Delaware Rainbow Gathering back in 1989? Surprise! Another surprise is that his name is “Sir Prize.” That’ll show you hippies to be more responsible and to stop choosing wacky names for your offspring.

LEO People would love to castigate you for your choice in leisure pursuits. I’m sorry, did I say “castigate”? I meant “castrate.” I suggest moving to Bangkok as soon as you get your affairs in order.

VIRGO No one cared much for 2009, yourself included. The past year brought you nothing but tears and misery, which constituted itself in unpaid late fees left over from 2005. Get with the program.

LIBRA “My love is a like a red, red rose,” said the poet Robert Burns. Sublime, to say the least. But what do you say? “My love is like a white, white robe.” Get out of that silly Klan group before you get yourself into trouble.

SCORPIO This year looks good, emotionally speaking. Financially speaking, things look pretty grim. Curbing the amount you spend on anti-depressants and therapists might ease some of the pain in your checking account, but then you’ll be absolutely miserable. You choose.

SAGITTARIUS You need more discipline. You’ve been arriving drunk to Sunday mass. It’s simple: if you’ve been drinking, stay away from church. You’re upstaging the priest.