Inquire of Romeo: January ‘10

By: Romeo Pomodoro

Article Category: Inquire of Romeo

Romeo,

I’m in big trouble. My girlfriend caught me cheating (for the third time) and this time, she’s really angry. I mean really, really angry. The thing about her though is that she’s one of these altruistic, hippy types, which means that she’s pretty forgiving. But forgiveness with her comes at a really lame cost. The first two times, she made me do community service — like volunteering and stuff like that. Now, this time, she wants me to give to some lame charity. I told her I’m already listed as an organ donor on my driver’s license, but she says that doesn’t count. Do you have any tips for me — like ones that would be pretty easy to get out of?

“Jim”

Cape Canaveral

It appears that you are in something of a pickle, Ken. But please remember that charitable work never comes easy. If you want to earn her forgiveness, you must first curb your licentious habits and then get wholeheartedly involved in some local cause. You must honor her wishes and give thanks that she is as forgiving as she is. Have you considered Meals On Wheels? Or maybe becoming a Big Brother? There are many charitable institutions out there. Look on the web or check the phone book. I have to agree with your girlfriend that you’ve donated your organ enough already. Whoops!

Romeo,

I’m madly in love with this guy I’ll call Ray. Ray is everything I ever wanted in a man: he’s honest, good-looking, smart, funny, and devoted. The only problem is that he’s not the slightest bit handy. He can’t even fix the smallest thing without messing it up even more. He tries to make repairs around my apartment too come across as more manly, but I’m starting to lose respect for him. What should I do?

Kim H.

Satellite Beach

Gilda, I have the tool you need. And I have the hands to use with the tool. I can do it for you because I am very skilled with many handy techniques and in many fields. I can drill, screw, twist, tighten, loosen, lubricate, re-wire, clean pipes, hose down, vacuum, erect things, stucco, turn knobs, change fluids, buff, clean your carpet, and do your both your windows. Do you need to borrow my tool? You can use it! But please don’t let Ray use my tool. He might break it.

Romeo!

Here it is, the year 2010, and we still haven’t come any closer to finding Osama bin Laden. C’mon! What’s the hold up? What are we doing wrong?

Anonymous

Merritt Island

A good question, Ann. Personally, I think we should stop looking, sit down with a nice cup of coffee, and try to think of where we saw him last. This tactic always seems to work whenever I’ve misplaced my wallet.

Dear Romeo,

I came across your column last month while on vacation in Cocoa Beach. Now that I’m back in Tintwistle, a picturesque village in the High Peak district of Derbyshire, England, I’ve decided to write you with an problem I’ve had for quite some time. We have love advice columnists here (we call them “agony aunts” or “uncles,” depending on their gender), but they’re not nearly as insightful and helpful as I found you to be. Here’s the problem: I’m a 55-year-old bachelor who hasn’t been with a female for over 30 years. At the pub I own, The Lamb & Spade, I run into loads of eligible females, as you can imagine, but while they’re generally courteous and laugh at my little jokes, none seem interested in taking things further. It can’t be my mother, as I moved her into a home two years ago, or my looks, which, while average, are in no way off-putting. Here at the Lamb, I man the beer pumps and cook all the food, and money is always rolling in, so you’d think women might find me a catch. What’s more, I think I’m an excellent cook (specializing in traditional English and Scottish food), and you don’t meet many men around here who aren’t afraid of spending time in the kitchen. So, Mr. Pomodoro, do you have any of your sound advice for me?

Lonely in Tintwistle

Traditional English and Scottish food, eh? That might be the root of your problem. Women like more delicate flavors than what these lowly cuisines have to offer. I recommend taking a French or Italian cooking class and removing Spotted Dick from your menu. Or at least some of the spots. And while you’re at it, dump the Clapshot, Hunter’s Buns, Fitless Cock, Aberdeen Nips, Beef Cecils, Faggots, Cullen Sink, Bubble and Squeak, Slot, Wet Nelly, and Dean’s Cream. Do this, and you may have droves of women asking for your Toad-in-the-Hole. Tally ho!