Shoe-venile Delinquents | The Beachside Resident

By: Judy Forney

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Do you ever watch the news or read articles in the paper and try to fit your own life into the stories? I mean, I hunt for treasure in junk stores all the time, but I have never found a million-dollar masterpiece hidden under long forgotten Uncle Charlie’s self portrait.

And what about sports celebrities who rack up incredibly high scores… even in their spare time? Wow! Well, recently I’d been noticing all the stories about folks having trouble with their homeowner associations or condo management companies. The reports I’d seen or read had ranged from the silly to the sad, but just like I’ve never uncovered a million-dollar thrift find or stood twelfth in line to “play a little golf,” the stories I’d heard hadn’t had much to do with me. That is until I received the following letter…

XYZ Property Management, Inc.

Tenant,

This letter serves as notice that you are in violation of code 3375, section B, part 5: Sanitation Nuisance/Danger. The specifics of your violation will be explained on page 2 of this document. Be advised that this is an evictable offense…

Evictable! Wait. What? I keep a pretty tide home. Even my collection of robots get a regular dust up and sponge down, whether they need it or not. There was a glass of wine out on my kitchen counter, but I was in the process of drinking it. I mean, it’s not like there was a column of ants marching up the stem or a film of suicidal no-see-ums floating on the surface. I continued reading…

The specific Sanitation Nuisance/Danger violation you are being charged with is: SHOES LEFT ON FRONT PORCH. Violation cited by inspector EFG.

Please use the form on page 3 of this document to explain reason for violation, and detail steps you will take to rectify the situation. Be advised that a phone call will not be considered a legal response. We must receive your response, in writing, within ten days…

I took a swallow of chardonnay and looked around my family room for hidden cameras. This had to be a joke right? Besides I don’t have a front porch. Our door opens out onto a common area. I do have a deck off the back, but we don’t live on the ground floor, so the inspector would have had to come in and through my house to spy anything out there. What the…? Then I remembered.

A few days before receiving the letter, my husband and I had gone out walking on the beach and had been caught in a rainstorm. I had left a pair of sandals beside the front door to dry off for a couple of hours. Clearly I had been caught in violation of code 3375, Section B, Part 5! Of course, being guilty of the charge, I sat down immediately and wrote my response.

Hello, XYZ Property Management, Inc.,

When I received your letter my first thought was, “Wow! I’ve got a front porch? How in the world did I miss that?!.” Of course I soon realized the shoes were out on your “catwalk’”… as in “We’re going to be performing maintenance on our catwalk.” How disappointing. Sigh.

Oh well, be assured the offending beach sandals have been removed and severely punished. And you were right to send the letter. Thank you!

Seriously, imagine if it had been a pair of high-heeled pumps standing around out there like a couple of little ladies-of-the-evening on a corner! That could have really messed with inspector EFG’s sensibilities! No worries though. I’ve spoken to all of my shoes and they’ve promised to stay off the cat porch/front walk deal. Of course I’m not sure I can trust the above-mentioned heels. They do have a tendency to dance off on their own and get into trouble. I may have to lock them up.

On another note, while we’re exchanging friendly and courteous correspondence, could you let me know when you guys might be able to get our elevator working consistently? Seems it’s down more than it’s up, and as I’m sure you know, being tool-wielding maintenance types, that those particular conveyances work best when they go both ways. (I have a friend who insists we’d all swing both ways if we’d just let go, but I guess that’s a conversation for another time). Anyway, if you could let me know, like maybe in about ten days or so, (oh, and in writing, if that’s convenient), that’d be great. I mean, I don’t mind taking the stairs, but my high-heeled vamp-it-up pumps hate it!

In the meantime, I hope you have time to get down to the beach and enjoy life. I know that always helps me chill out and clear my head.

Thanks again for writing.

Hearing from you was such fun!

So far, the management company has not written back.

I’m disappointed that they don’t take me as seriously as I took them. And I’m getting a bit concerned. I’ve heard grumblings from the shoe cellblock. I’m very much afraid there is a breakout being planned, and as every one knows, once delinquents run, they run amok!