Horrorscopes: February ’10 | The Beachside Resident

By: Lance Stardancer

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AQUARIUS: If you find yourself in the company of wolves, don’t wear sheep’s clothing. They will try to eat you and it will be difficult to defend yourself with all that cumbersome sheep’s clothing you’ve got on.

PISCES: I foresee a big party in your future. There will be many of your close friends and family in attendance. Everyone will laugh and have a great time and you will be spoken of very highly by all. I’m just letting you know because you won’t be able to hear anything from inside the casket.

ARIES: This would be a good time to warn you about the inevitable pains you’ll encounter this month, but I don’t want to be the one to ruin your Spring Break.

TAURUS: Travel seems to be the prominent focus of your immediate future. Pack lightly and bring some antibiotics and your insurance card.

GEMINI: When you get some good news this month it will be in the form of an unexpected government check. Unfortunately, the bad news will come in the form of a 6’3″ prostitute from Belize named “Hermilla” and a weeklong case of the runs.

CANCER: Things have taken a turn for the best at the workplace due to your ability to show the boss you have what it takes — big balls of brass and a glare that would make a Nazi cringe. I would only recommend not wearing too short of a skirt from now on.

LEO: When a lion is caged, it becomes angry and impatient because it desires the freedom to roam and hunt as it was born to do. But this month, when you’re caged for drunk and disorderly conduct, you cower in the corner and quietly weep, praying you don’t awaken your cellmate again. And that makes your new friend rather grumpy.

VIRGO: Too much fun in the sun can be a bad thing. Guzzling Jägermeister and playing volleyball takes a turn for the worse when you jump into the surf and promptly drown.

LIBRA: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful.

SCORPIO: To err is human. It’s even more human to lie and try acting like it never happened. Unfortunately, your error will show up when you get your test results back from your local free clinic.

SAGITTARIUS: With your future teetering on the edge of disaster, it would be in your best interests to immerse yourself in one of those giant bins of plastic, colored balls and stay there until May.

CAPRICORN: This month you will have a clear picture of the world around you and a stiff breeze in your face. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s due to your parachute failing to open. But don’t worry, the fall will not kill you. It will be the sudden stop at the end.