Inquire of Romeo: February ‘10

By: Romeo Pomodoro

Article Category: Inquire of Romeo

Dear Mr. Pomodoro,

I am an inveterate self-pleasurer — an onanist, in more technical terms. I don’t walk out the door in the morning without going at it at least three times, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I engage in the practice in the car on the way to the office. I then spill my seed again in the restroom before sitting down at my computer, and sneak away from my desk throughout the day for about 10 sessions of self-gratification before clocking out. I’m not even counting what happens between the time when I get home and when I head off to bed.  Now the surprise might be that I actually do have a girlfriend and have for some time now — so that’s not a factor — it’s just that I’m simply addicted to the habit. So what’s the problem, you say? Well, nothing really. I just thought you might like to know.

“Onan The Barbarian”

Melbourne

Well thanks very much for letting me know. So it would seem that on a typical day you… erm… twist the knob something like 20 times a day, a number which, if it didn’t seem arbitrarily invented, might be downright impossible to reach, especially if you are, as you say, in a relationship with a young woman. It sounds like you may have achieved some kind of perverse record, but I’m here to tell you that I beat it daily. The record, I mean. And I guess the other thing too… but the point is that there is no shame in… uhm… punching the clock. Keep it up! I’m off like a prom dress!

Dear Romeo,

I know it’s old news by now, but I’m wondering if you or any other readers are as amazed as I am at the amount of women Tiger Woods has slept with. How is this even possible? I mean, they keep coming out of the woodwork, don’t they? Whatever the case, I’m very impressed with the number of his amorous conquests. He may even be giving you a run for your money on the sexual front — eh, Romeo?

(Anonymous; via email)

It is indeed an impressive accomplishment, kind reader. But no need to worry. Mr. Woods has nothing on the number of females Romeo Pomodoro has bedded. What’s more to the point, Romeo has far better taste in persons of the female variety. Have you seen some of these women? Looks like he picked them up at the Trenton Putt-Putt World. Fore!

Dear Romeo Pomodoro,

Frankly, I find this whole Tiger Woods situation appalling. Not only did he cheat on a loving, beautiful wife, he also betrayed his status as a father to his children and his position as a role model for millions of young fans. I demand that you denounce his reprehensible behavior in your capacity as a well-regarded local love advice columnist.

Martha N .

Satellite Beach

Still though, Molly, you have to admire the man’s balls. Well… you understand what I mean.

Ro-Ro,

I’m the last guy in the world to fall for all this Valentine’s Day hoopla, but I’m not so much of a jerk to realize that it’s an important day for women throughout the country, my dear wife of three years included. Thing is though that what with having lost my job last month and my funds running low, all I can afford for  “Deb” is one red rose. Surely, one lone rose is romantic enough to please her, right? There is no earthly way I can afford to take her out for dinner. Your views?

“Russell”

Melbourne Beach

Well Kyle, according Romeo’s several volume love playbook, roses are one of the most clichéd Valentine’s gifts out there. We all know — thanks to a band called (I think) Venom — that every rose has its thorn. What we should more rightly remember is that every rose comes with a potential prick. If you truly loved your wife, you’d scrimp and save till the big day and make some kind of dinner for her, however paltry. On this day, of all days, it’s important for you to not be a cheapskate. However, if you do happen to find yourself in a bind, I’d be happy to take care of your young bride for you. Thanks to my early investments in edible undergarment technology in the early ’90s, I am doing very well, financially speaking. I will treat your wife to a lovely meal at my cousin’s romantic trattoria, a magnum of Dom Perignon, another magnum of my own design (…if you catch my drift), and an exclusive screening of a new art film inspired by Tiger Woods’ recent escapades entitled “Bag ‘Er, Vance.” You are more than welcome to watch. I have popcorn!