Editor’s Note: March ‘10 | The Beachside Resident

By: Tobin Bennison

Article Category: Editors Note Leave a Comment

So I’m thinking about inviting “The People” over for a dinner party, but I’m running into some terrible logistical problems.

It’s not the difficulty of getting my hands on all the extra chairs so much as the astronomical cost of putting on the shindig. I’m trying to cut corners wherever I can, but I stand firmly in my belief that paper plates are definitely the way to go, and the planet be damned. And then there’s the bathroom situation.

But where I’m really stymied is in putting together the menu. The People seem to enjoy wings, so I’ll get plenty of those, but what kind of sauces to go with them? You have to keep it reasonable. But I’m sure that as many millions as there are out there who like ranch dressing there are just as many, if not more, who prefer bleu cheese. Or is it “blue”? Should I put out some spicy Thai sauce, or would that be seen as too “ethnic”? Mustard sauces go well with wings, but what mustard to use? My recipe calls for Grey Poupon, but again, you don’t want to come across as being to elitist. I think I’ll go with a more populist, “regular American Joe” kind of mustard brand. French’s? Ah, well. I guess you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. This is going to cost me a fortune in condiments.

Alright, so screw the wings. That way I might save on paper towels and napkins. Burgers then? No. Then you get in to the whole “rare, medium, medium rare” thing and I don’t even think my hibachi is big enough. And I almost forgot about all the vegetarians. Wait… Everybody likes pizza! That’s not too ethnic, right? Okay, so toppings. I hate anchovies, but I don’t want to disappoint those who do. Thin crust or deep dish? Chicago or New York style? What? There’s a St. Louis style?

How do I group everyone? Do I just let them make themselves comfortable and wander around? Where should I seat the Republicans? At the children’s table? No, I should probably keep them away from the children. What if the Gays decide to get in the pool? What if the Jews start monopolizing the stereo? And what kind of music do The People like anyway? Country? Rap? What would the Mormons think? What will The People want to talk about? Will everyone get along or will they ruin the evening by arguing? Maybe I shouldn’t serve alcohol. What should I ask The People to wear? Should I allow bare midriffs? Burqas? Should I ask Tea Party members to check their flintlocks at the door? I’d hate to offend.

And where will The People park? I’ll have to ask Ted to move his old Chevy into Bill’s driveway for a few hours. But Bill’s got a Yankees bumper sticker on his F-150 and Ted’s from Boston. Plus, Ted’s Calvin is taking a leak and Bill’s is praying at the foot of a cross. Maybe I should encourage everyone to use public transportation. Come to think of it, I don’t even have a handicapped ramp.

You can see what a bind I’m in.

There’s no pleasing some people.

The Editor.