Horrorscopes: March ‘10

Lance Stardancer

Article Category: Horrorscopes

PISCES: All your friends hold you in high regard for your inventive cooking skills. Your lovers, however, find obvious fault with your infamous “Pepper Spray Chicken Cutlets” recipe. Loosen up, will you? Love is just around the corner.

ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches.

TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered a compliment, especially in the boxing ring. These days though, it’s seen as more of a detriment. Keep your fists up and quit trying to hug your adversaries all the time. It’s weird.

GEMINI: It’s three months into the New Year and you still haven’t made good on any of your resolutions. Lesser folks would shrug this failing off as nothing more than a minor misstep. But folks like you happen to adore smoking, drinking, and eating to excess. Go for it, you emphysemic, drunken fatty.

CANCER: God loves the person who rises above obstacles to become a purer soul. He hates, however, a smug bastard. I hear there are plenty of openings in the Church of Scientology for the likes of you.

LEO: If there’s a proverbial light at the end of every tunnel then you’re always the first to see it, lion. That figures though, what with you being in charge of the colonoscopy machine.

VIRGO: This St. Patrick’s Day I recommend staying inside and minding your own business. When you think about it, that shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how you’re doing a four-year stretch in the clink for your behavior during last year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities.

LIBRA: Travel is in the stars for you this year. Just imagine — the gothic grandeur of medieval Europe, the splendor of India, the majesty of the African plains! You manage to enjoy them all this month by tuning into the National Geographic Channel. God knows you salary at Domino’s would barely fill up your tank for a day trip to Winter Haven.

SCORPIO: Remember the good old days? No, I’m forgetting. Of course you don’t. You haven’t had a moderately good day since the honorable mention ribbon you won for your “All About the Rectum” report in your fourth grade science fair.

SAGITTARIUS: When the weather’s been as cold as it has this winter, it’s no surprise that you’ve had to resort to more creative measures to keep warm and toasty. Wearing a fishnet bodysuit under your workout gear, though, was bound to be poorly received in the YMCA changing room.

CAPRICORN: No one faults you for having a passionate hobby, but they might blanch a bit at your choice of collectibles. Your local library offers a venue for eccentric archivists like yourself, but there’s probably no place for your favorite “Hustler” clippings in their display case.

AQUARIUS: If I had $20 to spare, I’d bet it all on you finally finding a way out of your current rut. But I’d be doing that just be out of pity. Now if I had $1 million, I’d put the lot on you backsliding into your miserable funk. Then I’d be sitting pretty, wouldn’t I?