Gemini: If life is getting you down, just think about all those alcoholics who waste their time sitting around in bars all day. I mean look at you. You haven’t touched a drop your entire life… and look how hopelessly boring you are.
Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDI” and ending in “T”?
Leo: You’re a conservationist at heart. You recycle, you buy organic produce, and you ride your bicycle to work every day. But that’s not enough. You also need to save your breath. Stop bragging to everyone about how “green” you are and live a little why don’t you?
Virgo: You dressed yourself up, opened the door for her, held her hand, paid the bill, and drove her home. So why no hanky panky? What went wrong? Maybe taking her to Lucky Dragon Grand Buffet wasn’t such a good idea after all.
Scorpio: Feel like things are going your way finally? Don’t be so sure. I know of at least six people who’d say otherwise. One’s your priest and the other five all work in the Public Defender’s office.
Libra: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Like how does lighting always strike you whenever there’s a thunderstorm? And how did he come up with the idea of metal plates that those doctors inserted into your head?
Sagittarius: Wow! That was some night, wasn’t it? Everyone was going crazy — especially you! That was really great! You are one dancing fool! No, I mean you really are a dancing fool. You dance like a complete fool.
Capricorn: People just love ordering you around, don’t they? What is is about you that makes people feel like they can always take the upper hand? Is it your sweet disposition? Your deeply-rooted belief system? Maybe it’s the orange jumpsuit you’re always wearing.
Aquarius: If you asked me to enlist someone to record the soundtrack for the movie of your life, I’d choose either Xavier Cugat or Henry Mancini. Unfortunately, both have long since passed, so it looks like I’ll be calling Boy George.
Pisces: Travel is what you need, fish. I know your budget is tight, but there are plenty of exotic locales that don’t cost a fortune. Darvocet isn’t a city in Romania, but it’s still a pretty nice destination.
Aries: Time to stop putting off all those changes you’ve been promising to make. Time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and get yourself back in shape. I know it’s a difficult task, but it will all seem doable after two calzones and a dozen Peronis.
Taurus: Quit nitpicking about everyone else’s faults when yours are just as glaring, you sanctimonious jerk. Maybe taking up the cloth wasn’t the good idea it sounded like now that you’ve been caught with your hand in the church’s poor box.