I’ve read with interest recent letters from other local outdoor enthusiasts featured in your column and am amazed, not so much by their love problems, but that they have mates at all! I myself am more of a loner — always have been — and prefer communing with nature solo. That is, up until this past November, when I turned 40. It’s maybe the result of getting older, but I find myself yearning to share my outdoor adventures with a member of the female sex. But unlike these other guys, I’m having problems meeting someone I connect with. I’m planning an extensive canoe tour of Florida waterways this summer and would like to take a girl along with me. But, then again, am I betraying my principles? Maybe I’m just going through a phase. Should I just go it alone after all?
Tony, such a woman is not hard to find. Unless you’re content to stick your tent peg in the dirt, I recommend loosening your rigid principles and exploring Withlacoochee, if you know what I mean…
“Rick” is a great guy, don’t get me wrong. We like each other a lot, but we come from very, very different backgrounds. Like, I’m Palm Beach-rich and he’s miserably poor. But for some reason we seem to connect. We haven’t made love yet — I’m far too busy at my secretive, high-powered job right now — and Rick is starting to pester me. Not only about sleeping with him, but also about what I do for a living. I don’t want to hurt Rick because he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met, but I guess my maternal instincts are telling me that he just wouldn’t understand and that we’d never work together. But still, I have doubts. What should I do?
I suggest parting your drapes and letting him into your inner sanctum.
I’m sure you’ve been asked this many times, but I think readers would like to know your feelings about sex on the beach. Do tell…
This depends on what beach you are talking about. Sex on Daytona Beach at three in the morning isn’t the same as making love on the Playa de la Marbella at the crack of dawn… who also happens to be a very close friend of mine. There are “beaches” and then there are Beaches — broad stretches of sugar and gold sand made by God himself for the purposes of love and romance. Explore these beaches and leave the others behind, or you might get cigarette butts in your gazzaladra, coquina shells up your pizzicato, and kelp and turtle hatchlings between your paparazzis. But because I am a skilled lover and own many plush towels, my many beach lovers and I never have these problems. Except for when I was with my last girlfriend, Sandy Bottoms!
I recently learned that my new girlfriend is a hermaphrodite. She just told me over the phone, and I could tell that something had been on her mind since we began dating a few days ago. I’m really into her though, despite knowing this. We still haven’t slept together obviously, and I’m worried about how I’ll handle it.
Be very careful how you handle it/them! I don’t envy you. Many fish are hermaphroditic as are several species of mollusks. But I’m sure your girl is a little more desirable that these things, am I correct? I hope so. If you can, try to leave a little night light on when you lay down to begin loving. Be delicate and gentle and pay attention to handle the right one at the right time. You must not, for example, reach for the Aphrodite and mistakenly touch the Herm. This will confuse everyone and I don’t want you writing in about this problem again if something bad happens. Tell them hello for me!