Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
Hey you! You got a problem with soccer? No? Well that’s not what I heard. A little bird told me you hate everything about the sport — the internationalism, the implied socialism of all the team play, the lack of action, “offsides,” the arcane terminology, the low scoring, the odd-sounding names of the players… Quite simply, its unforgivable foreignness. And do you know what? I hate it too. First off, why does everyone else call it “football”? Why do they... [Read more...]
Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
I’ve never been a big one for hats. I have four: the black, cigar-scented beret I wore to a costume party years ago as a young Fidel Castro; a wide-brimmed straw hat I reserve for lawn work; a Donegal tweed flat cap I don for colder weather, and a baseball — or what an old friend (who was always reading) called a “prole” (as in “proletarian”) — hat. Now that it’s grown so hot, I’ve shorn my hair and taken to wearing the baseball hat when out of... [Read more...]
A few weeks ago, a respected friend accused me of reprinting an old “Editor’s Note” in last month’s issue. He may have been joking, or more likely muddled by the increasing uniformity of my politically-themed diatribes, but I didn’t have much time at the moment to uncover which. I’ll be the first to admit that, like a broken record, I do go on a bit about the FOX News think tank and the brilliant minds in their employ, but nonetheless, I do take this accusation... [Read more...]
Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
Did you know that leprechauns leave gifts for children on St. Patrick’s Day morn? Neither did I. But that’s what I learned when I picked my eldest daughter up from school this past March 17th. She looked crestfallen when I told her I’d never heard of such a thing. After I conceded that leprechauns did in fact exist, we spent the better part of an hour arguing about the size of them. She falsely claimed that they rode on the backs of mosquitoes, whereas everyone knows they’re... [Read more...]
By: Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
So I’m thinking about inviting “The People” over for a dinner party, but I’m running into some terrible logistical problems. It’s not the difficulty of getting my hands on all the extra chairs so much as the astronomical cost of putting on the shindig. I’m trying to cut corners wherever I can, but I stand firmly in my belief that paper plates are definitely the way to go, and the planet be damned. And then there’s the bathroom situation. But where I’m... [Read more...]
By: Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
I hate flying. Now it’s not the waiting in lines, the security checkpoints, being cooped up with strangers for several hours at a time or the maddening delays that bother me. It’s the whole hurtling-through-the-ether-at-30,000-feet-in-an-iron-tube part that gets up my snout. “If man (you know what I mean, ladies…) were meant to fly, he’d surely have been born with wings” has long been my motto, but it’s recently been supplanted with this one: “If man... [Read more...]
I love polls. They’re so accurate-ish. As hacks, pundits, and media monkeys race to define the past decade, I’ve decided to break off from the herd to commandeer an empty golf cart and beat everyone to the finish line. I’m here to tell you that we have just said goodbye, hopefully, to the Decade of Polls. Our friends at Fox News weren’t the only ones to illustrate their leaden points with polls and surveys, but they certainly proved themselves to be the undisputed Machiavellian masters... [Read more...]
Every time I think of Christmas, I think of Rocket Tubes. Back in 1979, Rocket Tubes were the toy to have. Part of the Micronaut line of interchangeable figurines, space stations, spacecraft, and robots, Rocket Tubes were… Well… I’ll let an archived clipping from a Sears catalog of the era explain: “This is it… the automatic transportation system of the year 2000, and the Micronauts have it now! The completely enclosed transparent tubes swiftly glide the Micronaut vehicles... [Read more...]
By: Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
Happy Thanksgiving, America. Or should I say, “Glorious Seasonal Feast, Comrades!” That’s right, friends. You’d better set out some more plates and make room at the table, because some unexpected guests will be arriving this year. Hope you’ve got some chow mein in the pan. Chairman Mao is on his way. Got sauerkraut in the pot? Linguini on the boil? Sure hope you do. See, good old Hitler is bringing his friend Mussolini over, and they’re mighty hungry. Now you’re... [Read more...]
By: Tobin Bennison
Article Category: Editors Note
Is it just me, or has every discussion of late devolved into a dualistic, narrow-minded argument based on either/ors? It seems that everything these days boils down to Republican vs. Democrat, Blue vs. Red, conservative vs. liberal, black vs. white, Us vs. Them… Am I right? Am I wrong? It is just me? Then screw you, pal! This oppressive mindset has even bled over into popular culture, with opposing boxer and brief camps drawing lines in the sand alongside PC and Mac teams, Chevy and Ford tribes... [Read more...]
