CAPRICORN: Take a break from what you’re doing. Look at what people are doing around you. Check your plans in relation to those of others and see if there’s a way you can combine forces and kill more birds with fewer stones. This shouldn’t be difficult, seeing as how slow those stupid sandhill cranes are.

AQUARIUS: Your home is your castle. Spend time fixing things up to better suit your needs. Take a look at an investment and consider installing a portcullis over the garage door. The “Occupy the Hendersons at 1611 S. Orlando Avenue” movement is rapidly gathering steam.

PISCES: It’s high time you made contact with someone you’ve been avoiding for far too long. Admit it: you’re in love with her. And why not? She’s pretty, smart, and devoted to her profession. Phoning her up will put a smile on her face. And go ahead, call her “Sweetie Pie.” “Parole Officer” is such a loaded term.

ARIES: Information is power. Keep busy by learning all you can about something you are trying to master. Networking and being receptive to different ways of doing things will help you advance in your goal, but picking up a copy of “Candyland for Dummies” might be the best place to start.

TAURUS: Participate in a cause you believe in. Reach out to people you feel can help. Collaborating will put you in a good position and help to build strong alliances. Cultivating these partnerships will be crucial to the success of your New Year’s Eve wife-swapping party.

GEMINI: This Christmas season brings a surge of memories, both good and bad. Focusing on the good ones is the key to staving off your creeping suspicion that Frosty the Snowman and God just might be fictional characters.

CANCER: Running into an old flame makes you rethink your current situation. Brush aside nagging doubts, look to the heavens for confirmation, and you’ll find that it’s written in the stars. To the naked eye, the message looks like “Love Forever.” A reasonably powerful telescope, however, shows it to read: “She’s batsh*t crazy.”

LEO: You’ve always been an avid gardener, but the severe sciatica flare-up you’ll experience later this month will spur a search for a more convenient hobby. All you’ll need are some scissors, glue, and an active imagination to join the Porn Scrapbooking Club of Rockledge.

VIRGO: People have a habit of ignoring you, but you don’t need to go overboard to get their attention. Looking back though, jumping off the bow of the casino boat was probably your only option.

LIBRA: You’ll be pulled in two different directions when it comes to emotional matters, and the stress it’s putting on you is beginning to take its toll. Take a step back to reflect, prioritize your desires, and start looking for a second mistress.

SCORPIO: You love living in Florida, but these warm December temperatures often get you down. If you find yourself dreaming of a white Christmas this year, simply put on a Bing Crosby album. It doesn’t get much whiter than Bing Crosby.

Janelle Sadler

Janelle Sadler was born loving music. Her Father, a public school teacher, and her mother, a bookstore owner, encouraged her as much as they could. Being the middle child of three siblings, Janelle was rather shy, but music brought out her stage-loving side

Picking up the guitar in her teens, she soon started performing in churches, coffeehouses, high school choir concerts, and anywhere else that was available for a young singer. Her early influences were Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, Atlanta’s Mother’s Finest, and Chaka Khan. During a stint in college, she found real paying gigs entertaining the tourists in the beach clubs and never looked back. “Once I figured I could support myself doing what I loved, it became my obsession!” she says.

After years of singing everything from jazz to heavy metal, she twice won the award for Tampa Bay’s “Best Female Vocalist.” With these awards and the surprise landing of a background singing gig with Donny Osmond, she finally found the courage to move to Los Angeles in the summer of ’91 where she’s worked professionally ever since.

Janelle has sung leads on TV themes for “Brothers And Sisters” and “Smallville,” and has toured the world singing backups behind mega talent Natalie Cole and many others.

“Los Angeles taught me that even though the world is filled with incredible musicians, there will always be a place for me if I hold true to myself and stay prepared,” Janelle explains. “The minute you quit dreaming and creating musical goals to work toward, you’re done. I’m sorry world, but I’m never going to stop!”

Catch Janelle Sadler with John Orsini December 2 at Heidi’s (7 N. Orlando Ave. in Cocoa Beach). Call 783-4559 for ticket information. Watch videos and hear song samples at www.janellesadler.com

The Legend of the Seagullmen

Who are the Seagullmen? What is the Legend? I’m not quite sure myself, but I was lucky enough to witness its origins unfold nearly three years ago in Cocoa Beach’s Casablanca bar.

It was a slow night, and apart from the bartender and a wraithlike figure skulking in the shadows near the door, I was the only other one there not applauding a truly terrible band called the High Voltages.

Toward the end of their set, a bearded, piratical-looking character in sodden galoshes and faded, blood-besmirched yellow oilskins entered soaked to the follicle, which I found odd, considering how dry and clear it was outside. The man approached the trio and I could barely overhear him murmuring something about a treasure chest and endless riches and omnipotence. It seemed to me that some sort of diabolical pact was being arranged, and part of me wanted to stop the endearingly awful musicians from sealing the deal.

Word has it that the Legend that began that night will unfold further this Thanksgiving weekend in a multi-media extravaganza the likes of which we’ve never seen. Don your ghost-crab carapace and show your loyalty to these extraordinary men on November 25.

The Legend of the Seagullmen continues on Friday, November 25 in downtown Cocoa Beach at an as-yet-undisclosed venue. Check their websites online — www.theseagullmen.com and on Facebook: “Cocoa Beach Seagullmen” — or check www.thebechsideresident.com for further details as they emerge. You can also see video samples of their performances and short clips of the planned film.

Derek Warfield & The Young Wolfe Tones

Nominated as Ireland’s Best Traditional Folk Group, touring over 180 concerts in 2010 throughout six different countries, Derek Warfield & The Young Wolfe Tones are known throughout the world for their quality musical presentation of Irish patriotic songs and traditional music.

Fronted by outstanding singer, stage personality, composer, and historian of music and song tradition, Derek Warfield is a legend wherever Irish roots have been put down. He has enjoyed phenomenal success for some 40 years with the old Wolfe Tones, with best-selling albums, number one hits, television appearances and shows in Carnegie Hall and the Royal Albert Hall. Derek has also been prolific as a solo artist, releasing an astonishing eleven albums in just over a decade. Ten years on from the beginning of his solo career, the man often described as “Ireland’s greatest ballad singer” is bringing an old tradition with a young sound to his legion of fans across the world.

The Young Wolfe Tones feature some of the finest Irish musicians and singers from a younger generation and bring guaranteed excitement, fun, and passion to every performance. Comprised of Demaris Woods (tenor banjo), Alan Murray (guitar), Fintan Warfield (guitar), Dan Lowery (flute, tine whistle, and guitar), and bassist Luke Ward, the band share with their mentor a passion and enthusiasm for their shared Irish heritage.

2011 has been a busy year for Derek Warfield & The Young Wolfe Tones. The band have recently completed a Spring tour of Australia, which included numerous performances at the prestigious National Folk Festival in Canberra, as well as shows in Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide, and Sydney. To coincide with this nationwide tour, they recently launched their latest album, Far Away in Australia. The title track, popularized by Peter McNulty, reminds listeners of the realities of emigration. Included on the album are 19 fantastic ballads and tunes, all associated with Ireland and Australia, including “Back Home in Derry,” written by Bobby Sands, and “Take Care of Your Fenians, or the Yankees Will Steal Them Away,” an Australian ballad detailing the infamous Catalpa rescues.

Of the well-known tunes they perform, Derek say: “People can get sniffy about these songs and not many bands are actually doing this material these days, but they’re great songs and part of a legacy which stretches back many generations. I believe that these songs will be renewed and will remain important, but you can’t take any tradition for granted. So we’re presenting an old tradition in a new package — and I’ve the same passion for it now as I had when it all started 44 years ago.”

Derek Warfield & the Young Wolfe Tones perform Sunday, November 13 at Nolan’s Irish Pub, located at 204 W. Cocoa Beach Cswy. (520 and A1A) in Cocoa Beach. For ticket information, call 783-8499.

Tom Curren

In his five-year rise to World Surfing Champion, Tom Curren led the way in cutting edge, perfectly tuned performance. Despite his youth, he was acknowledged as surfing’s first genius, and he single-handedly altered the anti-establishment mindset of hundreds of thousands of American surfers before turning pro.

To surfers, Curren was bigger than the Beatles. Rolling Stone gave him headline space as a matter of course.

Curren has played a variety of instruments since the age of fifteen. His drumming, bass, guitar, singing, and composition took a form that reflected his unique personality. Famously reclusive, his musical gift was only recognised — although highly regarded — among a small enclave of musical celebrities.

Curren broke track in late 1993 by committing to a 27-stop national American tour, in which his band Skipping Urchins drove to every hardcore surfing outpost. The tour was a stunning validation of his artistry and endurance.

His musical depth grew through the mid ’90s as he collaborated and jammed with premier talent. Curren also relocated from France back to Southern California. It was during a visit to Sydney in ’98 that he revealed himself to be a prodigious musician. One evening, unannounced, he walked in off the street to EMI Studios. Curren laid down six live tracks with just guitar and voice.

Curren’s tunes feature raw and honest performances. The folk influence, and bluesy, gritty feel rendered with a minimalist approach may have been seen as contradictory to what some believe as the “surfing music market.” However, the recording success of his longtime friend Jack Johnson, is testament to the fact that the “surfing music market” is a past tense definition, and that the market is receptive to a wide variety of styles.

Curren’s music goes beyond the immediate “surf market.” He explores musical styles and combinations of sounds that reflect his unique take on music — and a glimpse into the Curren persona.

Composing and recording is now routine, as is rehearsing his band for performances at major surfing events (whether he’s competing or not), as well as mainstream venues. The expansion of Curren’s horizons into music seems a natural path to him. In many ways, the culture and lifestyle of surfing and music are one and the same. “Curren’s reputation as one of the world’s greatest surfers in history is supported by his accomplishments as a competitor,” writes Matt Warshaw in “Surf Riders.” “But most surfers would define Curren as an artist, then as a world champion.”

Tom Curren performs Wednesday, November 16 at Rusty’s Seafood & Oyster Bar (628 Glen Cheek Dr. in Port Canaveral). Show begins at 7 p.m. Supporting acts include the Josh Miller Blues Revue and William Kimball. To learn more, call Rusty’s at 783-2033.

Bone Dogs

Nominated for the 2009 Brevard Music Award’s Entertainer of the Year, in the Favorite Keyboardist and Guitarist categories, Bone Dogs have made a huge impression on the beachside music circuit since they formed. Also sponsored by Gwin Amplification and East Coast Music, the quartet is one of the hardest working, most sought after bands in the area. They got their start playing throughout the Palm Bay area, but have since come to the beaches to broaden their fan base.

The lineup of guitarist and vocalist Russ Kellum (formerly of True Bluez), drummer Michael Wright, bassist Mark Glisson, and keyboardist Derek Castello (formerly of Groove Monsters), delivers the promise of growling rhythms, barking grooves, and solos with a bite. They’re well versed in a number of musical genres, including rock, blues, jazz, and country, as heard on many of their original songs and their eclectic choice of covers.

Since forming, they’ve performed with the likes Pat Travers, Dangerous Dan Toler of the Greg Allman Band, Todd Sharpville, Jason Ricci, Leanne Binder, and Michael Allman, Greg Allman’s son, and opened for one of their favorite bands, Gov’t Mule, at a recent show in Cocoa. Their recent appearance at the 2010 Space Coast Music Festival, which was held this past September in Cape Canaveral, earned them scores of new fans and cemented their reputation as one of the best live bands in the area.

Catch Bone Dogs Saturday, November 26 at the at the Beach Shack (1 Minutemen Cswy.; Cocoa Beach; 783-2250). Visit the band online at: www.myspace.com/bonedogsband

Louie
By Mike Abbate

On Febuary 2, 2011, I was on my lunch break and stopped in the 7-11 on A1A in Cocoa Beach for a caffeine fix.

I came across a homeless couple who looked like they were in their mid-twenties. The homeless man was staring at me, and at first I thought he had a problem or needed money. But he approached me and starting talking about traveling and hitchhiking in Florida. I found out that he and his girlfriend were actually from North Canada, and were purposely hitchhiking and train hopping all through the country.

With them was a very small puppy, who seemed to be about seven-weeks old. I asked the homeless man what the situation was with the dog, and he said he regretted having picked him up in Louisiana and bringing him along. The couple knew nothing about the dog, other than that he was a Catahoula Leopard Hound and was very young. He also told me that they were running out of money and needed to start making their way back home.

I couldn’t believe how young and dirty the dog looked. The homeless man asked me to take him, due to how difficult he made travel for them. I was really skeptical, but I made a promise to find the dog a home or at least a no-kill shelter. I opened up my wallet and had only $3 in cash, which I gave to the couple. I wished them good luck and I was off with a new puppy.

So I took the dog home to my small apartment in Cocoa Beach. I instantly knew he wasn’t your average puppy; he had a very special personality. It was clear he appreciated the care and attention I gave him, but I started trying to find him a home. About a week into the search, I was done, and had decided to keep him for life. I brought him to the vet and had him checked out. All was well for the most part, but the vet informed me that he was still far too young to be away from his mother and that he needed shots and dewormer updates.

I decided to name him Louie. Unfortunately, my landlord was not very understanding about this new tenant, and since I was under a “no pet” rental contract, the eviction notices started coming in. I was given seven days to either get rid of the dog or be homeless myself. Louie was by this time an official member of my family, so I knew giving him away wasn’t an option. It’s hard to convince people who aren’t animal lovers how great pets can be, and I had no such success with my landlord. Luckily, my father is a dog lover, and offered to take Louie in until I figured things out. A month later I managed to buy a house with a yard and pool in Satellite Beach.

He’s a popular dog on the street where I live, and I think he knows he scored when I took him in. We call him “Louie Loose Legs” because he runs so fast he often trips over himself. I’m now happy to have the freedom of owning a pet, and am happy to call Louie my best friend. Above all, I’m happy to make him happy. It was the best $3 I’ve ever spent.

Sound Traveler
Self-released; 2011

On the surface, Sound Traveler appears to be just another garden-variety acoustic duo. But a few deft touches on their eponymous debut reveal them to be something much more.

The husband-and-wife team of Bob and Patty Tatum have a strong affinity for Irish and Appalachian folk, but these influences inform rather than define Sound Traveler’s music. Incorporating elements of jazz, gospel, rock, blues, and country, Sound Traveler is full of interesting surprises, from the playful, sonic strolls of “White Cadillacalimousina” and “Gators For Sale” to trumpet-flecked opener “Stars Tonight.”

Bob and Patty are accomplished multi-instrumentalists, and along with acoustic guitar and bass, mandolin, harmonica, xylophone, hand percussion, and trumpet are used to subtle effect. Trumpet may seem like an odd choice of accompaniment for an acoustic act, but Patty’s playing is so spare and tasteful here that you wish more would employ it. It lends warmth and space to the frail “Only Now,” and adds a bright step to “Florida Sunshine, Florida Rain.”

Bob is a talented lyricist in the folk storyteller tradition, but I especially like his decision to include not the words of each song in the liner notes but the stories behind their creation. It’s another thing I wish more artists would do; often these reflections offer more insight into the music than the lyrics themselves. For instance, we learn that Bob’s great-great-great grandfather, an Irish immigrant, designed built, and manned lighthouses in the notes to “Lighthouse Keeper,” a doleful ode to those who provide guidance amid confusion and uncertainty. We also learn that the tumbling “Smoky Hollow” is inspired by the couple’s rural summer home in the Appalachian Mountains.

The Tatums divide their time between Avery County, North Carolina and Cape Canaveral, and Florida plays just as important a part in the duo’s unique outlook. Locals will relish the litany of place names that keeps “Florida Sunshine, Florida Rain” bouncing and the childlike simplicity of “Gators For Sale,” a tune that could easily fit into Peter, Paul, and Mary’s repertoire.

Marked by affecting harmonies, evocative compositions, and accomplished musicianship, Sound Traveler is an album that both comforts and challenges in equal measure. — R. Marsh

Visit the Tatums online at www.soundtravelerband.com. Hear song samples, read blog posts, and keep abreast of local performance dates.

The Thing

Newcomer Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. has taken it upon himself to remake this old but not-forgotten horror classic, most famously remade by John Carpenter back in 1982. At a super-duper cold Antarctica research site, the discovery of an alien spaceship leads to a fight between scientists Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead of “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”) and foreign guy Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen of “Hitman”). Initially I was afraid that it would turn out to be a cheesy, visual effects-driven letdown, but I was wrong on both counts. First of all, this isn’t what I would call a standard remake, but more of an homage to not only John Carpenter but also to the 1951 original. The effects were outstanding and did a great job of creeping the holy bejesus out of me. It also offers something different for sci-fi/horror lovers with some top-notch acting and directing. So we should all pat them on the head and give them a treat while saying “Good boy, Hollywood. Good boy…”

The Three Musketeers

Alexandre Dumas’s classic tale of swashbuckling and bountiful bosoms is here taken on by veteran horror and fantasy sci-fi director Paul W.S. Anderson (“Death Race;” “Resident Evil”). The cocky but tough D’Artagnan (played by Logan Lermanalong of “3:10 to Yuma”) joins forces with three has-been Musketeers to stop a sexy spy and her evil boss from gaining the crown and throwing all of France into war with the rest of Europe. But this version isn’t your basic 17th-century sword-and-dagger remake; this one is way more… leathery. I’m kidding, but I’m not — the leather’s cool and well, chicks in leather… c’est magnifique! I’m a sucker for any film that features fencing and wig-driven liaisons. This 2011 reboot is a new and fun twist on an old tale that I enjoyed greatly. But don’t just take my word for it. Go see it with two other friends and split the cost in three. I preferred paying with one for all.

Footloose

In this remake of the ’80s teen classic, Kenny Wormald plays Ren MacCormack, a cool kid from Chicago who moves to a small town where rock ‘n’ roll and dancing are illegal. His rebellious tendencies anger the town preacher (Dennis Quaid) and the insular community and battle lines are soon drawn between the fun-loving and prim-and-proper camps. I know you’re thinking that this remake was produced for a new generation of kids who have no idea what we had to deal with in the ’80s, what with all the rock censorship and fascist, no-dancing policies. But what the kids of today do bring to the table, with their lack of Kenny Loggins yacht-rock knowledge, is some far more masterful dance moves. And for those who’ve never had the opportunity to be a real American and see the original or could never believe the idea of a town banning a basic right, then make your way to the theater and occupy “Footloose.” Because even though this ain’t original, it’s still optional. Power to the people!

Gillian Welch
The Harrow and the Harvest
Acony Records; 2011

The mistress of morose lyrics treads on familiar ground with this gorgeous new album of emotionally exposed songs. Gillian Welch sings about loss and despair with a world-weary voice as warm and as comfortably inviting as your favorite flannel shirt, and this release finds her collaborating with guitarist Dave Rawlings, whose brilliant accompaniment on “Scarlet Town” starts the album off with an Appalachian feel. “Dark Turn of Mind” is a country-blues tune that rolls and sways easily, and “The Way That it Goes” chronicles heartache and failure at every turn without pausing to let it sink in. This is as simple and stripped down an album as can be made, with two guitars, banjo, bass, and handheld percussion (when there is any at all), and this austerity adds emphasis to Welch’s commanding voice. She proves herself once again to be one of the most important voices in the contemporary Americana movement. The intimacy conveyed in these recordings makes the listener feel as though he’s next door listening to the band warm up. Listening to her lament and bewail every misfortune possible, who’d ever believe tragedy could sound so sweet? — M.A. Rivera

Flogging Molly
Speed of Darkness
Thirty Tigers; 2011

On Speed of Darkness, their latest release, Flogging Molly take a hard look at the collapse of the economy and the American dream. Amidst pink slips and the crushing despair of unfulfilled promises, the band unleash their anger and resentment through the course of 12 unforgiving songs. “Speed of Darkness” opens the album at a breakneck pace, but it’s with track two, “Revolution,” that the themes of loss are established, with lines like this: “I spent 27 years in this factory/Now the boss man says, ‘Hey, you’re not what we need’/The penguins in the suits they know nothing but greed/It’s a solitary life when you’ve mouths to feed/But who cares about us?” “Saints and Sinners” is another remarkable song that manages to avoid being another Irish punk rock cliché, but “Oliver Boy (All of Our Boys)” ably contemplates the fate of every mother’s son who ever carried a gun in the name of God and country. This standout track is delivered by someone who no longer cares about who’s wrong or who’s right, but is tired of seeing young men buried far too soon. “A Prayer for Me In Silence,” a duet between frontman Dave King and his wife Bridget Regan, is reminiscent of the Pogues, but without the dark humor. The best part of the album though, is that the band keep things mixed up enough to avoid falling into a repetitive pattern, making it an enjoyable and fresh listen. — M.A. Rivera

Joss Stone
LP1
Stone’d Records; 2011

Joss Stone is currently the most popular practitioner of blue-eyed soul recording today. Her latest album, LP1, is pained, lovelorn, humorous, sexy, and impossibly endearing all at the same time. In fact, LP1 may be the best release by a major artist this year. Stone collaborated with Dave Stewart on each track, and his production here is deft and exquisite. And although Stone’s voice is placed front-and-center, she clearly enjoys the interplay with the other musicians on songs like “Don’t Start Lying to Me” and “Karma,” a funky, organ-fueled bit of fun. But the centerpiece of the album, “Drive All Night,” is spare, emotionally raw, and hopeful. Elsewhere, Stone often sings as though she’s merely confiding to a friend sitting across the table from her. And while she’s clearly appreciative of the attention, there’s a part of her that still sounds unsure of her worthiness. Musically uncluttered, Stone’s delivery is stunningly sexy and vulnerable at the same time. Give this as a gift to the person who’s caught your eye, and they may very well drive all night just to listen to it with you. — M.A. Rivera

Alice Cooper
Welcome 2 My Nightmare
Universal; 2011

It’s been 36 years since the release of the now-classic Welcome to My Nightmare, so Alice Cooper’s had sufficient time to think about what he wants to say in a sequel. Appropriately, that follow-up, Welcome 2 My Nightmare, finds him in fine dramatic form. As his attempts to stay awake fail, Cooper succumbs to an uneasy sleep, and narrates a tormented journey through troubled dreams. Throughout, you get a macabre and overblown vaudevillian sense of wit and showmanship. With rockers, ballads, Broadway-styled numbers, disco sendups and electronic pop, Cooper approaches each song fearlessly regardless of his lyrical themes. “Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever,” “Bite Your Face Off,” “When Hell Comes Home,” and “Last Man on Earth” in particular, are all fine examples of his wickedly snide sense of humor. He reunites with producer Bob Ezrin and surviving members of the original Alice Cooper band, welcomes support from Vince Gill and Rob Zombie, and sings an unexpected duet with Ke$ha. This ghoul still has legs and apparently a great deal left to say. Longtime fans should appreciate how smart this sequel is. Paying tribute to its predecessor, it’s a worthwhile followup to a legendary recording. Hopefully Alice won’t sleep well for a long time to come. — M.A. Rivera  

By Samantha Deebel

In my family any get together is an excuse to eat, but we really go all out for Thanksgiving. Besides the usual turkey and trimmings though, I always look forward to new side dishes and appetizers. If, like mine, your family hangs out all day grazing the buffet table in between dancing and football, it’s nice to have a variety of choices, and these suggestions can be great additions to your spread.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! This Thanksgiving I give thanks for my awesome family and friends and their unconditional love.

Fresh Onion Dip

In a large skillet, sauté 2 cups of chopped onions in some olive oil till lightly browned. Set aside to cool. In a decorative bowl, mix together 1 cup of sour cream, 1/2 cup of cream cheese, 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar, and a handful of chopped fresh parsley or chives. Add lemon pepper to taste. Add onions and mix well, then chill until ready to serve. This dip is great with chips and raw veggies!

Spinach, Blueberry and Blue Cheese Salad

Depending on how many people you’re making salad for, buy spinach that’s already washed and packaged; it really is a timesaver and free of gritty dirt! (But even though it says “pre-washed,” I do always rinse it beforehand.) I would say for every six cups of spinach leaves allow 1 cup of blueberries and 1 cup of bleu cheese crumbles. Make a dressing with 2 parts balsamic vinegar to 1 part olive oil, or buy a good raspberry vinaigrette to use. Garnish with chopped walnuts.

Blue Cornmeal Muffins

Combine 1 cup of blue cornmeal, 1 1/2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, 1 teaspoon of salt, and 2 tablespoons of turbinado sugar. With a fork, mix in 1-1/2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese. Add two lightly beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of canola or coconut oil, 1 1/4 cups of milk and 1 1/2 cups chopped red bell peppers. Mix all together gently to combine. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with papers and spoon in mixture, filling cups just halfway. Bake at 350 degrees for about 25 minutes. Makes 1 dozen muffins. They’re a nice change from regular rolls or biscuits and they taste really good with some turkey sandwiched in between!

I’ve always loved sorority girls. They’re always gorgeous and always eager to party. I’ve dated quite a few since I started college, but I’ve never met anyone quite like Beth. Beth belongs to one of the most conservative Christian sororities on campus, and though she’s really pretty and has a great body, Beth looks down on people who drink and do drugs and has probably never been to a wild party in her life. Even though I’m one of the hardest-core partiers at school, Beth seems to like me… I think because she thinks she can change me into a straight-laced gentleman. But little does she know that I’m out to change her. Beth really needs to cut loose. I’m not going to do anything sneaky like roofie her milkshake, but I am determined to prove to her the virtues of partying hard and letting go of your inhibitions. Everything so far has failed though. I was hoping maybe you could help.

“Kyle”
Merritt Island

Indeed I can help, Lyle. I am well known in many circles for my ability to convert even the most prudish of sorority coeds to the joys of the libidinous bacchanalia. I remember once dating a similarly puritanical girl who belonged to a sisterhood called Pi Pi Lambda. By the time I was done with her and her sisters, the whole organization had changed its name to Bi-Pi Lambada!

Romeo,

I got a problem. My girl is super hot and really cool, but she can’t stand the beach — which is more than this Florida-born surfer can handle. “Leslie” is from Buffalo, New York. We met when she came down here two years ago on vacation with her family. (I know! Who would have thought that I’d end up falling in love with a snow bird!) Anyways, I’m pretty convinced that she’s the one. It’s just this problem of her hating the beach! She hates the sand getting everywhere, she hates the salty, sticky air, and she says the waves are too big for her to enjoy swimming. She won’t say it, but I’m pretty sure she’s not even happy about me surfing. I love her to bits, but I don’t know what to do about this. I can’t believe it, but I’m starting to consider giving up going to the beach for her sake. She must be quite a girl, right?

“Chip”
Cocoa Beach

This sounds like quite a problem. But there’s no need for you to give up your interests for the sake of love. I can acclimate anyone to the pleasures of the seashore, and this girl is no exception. Let me take her to the beach with my woodie. I’d also be happy to show her my mahogany-paneled Ford.

Dear Romeo,

I’m having a difficult time with my boyfriend. We love each other deeply, but the relationship is beginning to show signs of strain. This is mainly due to my disgust with performing oral sex. Don is going crazy and threatening to leave me if I don’t pleasure him in this way. But I’m just not into it, Romeo. Frankly, the whole idea of it has always disgusted me. I don’t want him to take it personally. Please help.

Mary H.
Cape Canaveral

Not to worry, Lillian. You must try to pleasure him so well in other ways that he will forget about his preoccupation with fellatio. I remember I once had the opposite problem. Back in Italy, I dated a girl who preferred performing oral sex to traditional copulation. Needless to say, this was a huge blow to me. But I managed to forgive her in the end.

Romeo,

A few months ago I started seeing “Denise.” Denise is a good girl at heart, but she’s a little wild. To be honest, Romeo, Denise is a common tramp. I’m not all that proud of our relationship (which is based entirely on rough, impromptu sex), but she has no relatives and I feel a little sorry for her. Seeing as how Thanksgiving is coming up, I feel kind of guilty about leaving her on her own. I’m thinking about inviting her over to my parent’s house this year to feast with my close-knit family. Of course, I’m sure all my pretty straight-laced relatives will give both of us a hard time and I really don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I’m more worried about my mother though; I’m sure she’ll go ballistic when she meets Denise. Is it worth hurting her feelings or ruining our family holiday? Any thoughts? What should I do?

John B.
Cocoa

Frank, don’t be such a turkey! Invite her! This is a time to give thanks and to be generous. I have been in a similar position many times over — and trust me, my mother is far more judgmental and vengeful than yours. The main question is: Are you a real man? Do you have any cranberries? If you do, then you’ll not hesitate in inviting her over! Do not be so shallow as to leave this poor girl alone on this most generous and loving of holidays. This girl may embarrass you at the table by requesting gravy on her pie. So what? Serve her! Maybe she would like a roll? Give her one! Maybe she desires stuffing? Maybe she yearns for a hot yam? Perhaps she’d like her buns buttered? Whatever the case, do not ruin this girl’s Thanksgiving for the sake of propriety. Pass the breasts and give thanks!

SAGITTARIUS: No one has ever doubted your worldliness or reputation as a jetsetter, so try not to show off too much this Thanksgiving. An around the world-themed feast starts well with Norwegian lox and Salade Nicoise, but falls flat when the Burmese maggot pudding comes to the table.

CAPRICORN: If you devoted as much time to your personal hygiene as you do to detailing your expensive car, you probably wouldn’t have to spend your weekends scraping boogers off the console of your limited edition Alfa Romeo.

AQUARIUS: You’re a slave to fashion — so much so that you’re shamed by a flea market vendor into buying two Abernathy & Finch t-shirts, a pair of Channel sunglasses, and a Dolce & Banana handbag.

PISCES: As a proud veteran of the U.S. Navy, you rightfully take umbrage at all the “don’t bend over for the soap” jokes you routinely hear. However, your life might be a tad easier if you refrained from wearing that purple feather boa each time you went out.

ARIES: For you, there’s never a question of as to whether the glass is half-full or half-empty so long as there’s at least a drop or two of cheap vodka in it.

TAURUS: Math has never been your strong point, but that’s no excuse for allowing many of your monthly bills to go unpaid. Your subscription to Hustler.com is still current, but it’s hard enjoying the benefits when your power’s been cut off.

GEMINI: Your interest in genealogy provides you with both joy and abject disappointment later this month. On your father’s side, you’ll be pleased to learn that you’re distantly related to Abraham Lincoln. Too bad your mother is Steve Doocy’s sister.

CANCER: Your desire to always be first in your field is certainly commendable. Changing the name of your business from “Zorro’s Zesty Prostitutes” to “AAAA-1 Escorts” is probably the best decision you’ll ever make.

LEO: Your family has always played an important role in your life, and Thanksgiving is the time when you shine the brightest. It’s a shame your relatives don’t share your enthusiasm for humping the turkey before it gets carved.

VIRGO: If you’re unhappy about your lot in life, consider the people who have it as bad, if not worse, than you do. It’s this kind of thinking that will buoy your spirits while your yacht is in drydock for repairs.

LIBRA: You know that you’ve always been uncommonly attractive to men, but you’re puzzled by the growing number of nerds who have been hitting on you since you got that Chinese “Peace” character tattooed on your ankle. Turns out it’s not Chinese at all, but Klingon for “Space Wench.”

Red Flags
By Juris Jurjevics
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt; $26; 320 pages

Review by Mark James

The Vietnam War, or “Conflict” as the government labeled it, continues to torment us over 35 years after we left. Histories have appeared and been revised, and a collection of fiction is accumulating. Juris Jurjevics adds to that collection with “Red Flags,” set in the early days of our involvement. Jurjevics is a Vietnam veteran who served for 14 months, 9 days, and 2 hours, his departure complicated by the Tet Offensive,” or so it states on the book jacket. It’s an implication that Jurjevics didn’t enjoy his time there, a sentiment that is explicit in the story. It was a nasty time full of nasty people out to get what they could, and Jurjevics brings them to us in this retrospective novel set in the remote outpost of Cheo Reo.

Erik Rider is a veteran living out his days in the isolation of Northern California. His hermitic life is interrupted by the arrival of the daughter of a colonel who was killed in Vietnam. She wants to know the real story of her father’s death; Rider grudgingly obliges, and over the course of the night and into the morning, he tells her of his time serving with her father. He was there as an undercover agent investigating a drug operation; what he found was a veritable maze of corruption, double-crossing, CIA complicity, and American stupidity that came to define our time there. It’s set during the early ’60s, when Americans were still “advisors,” but as one South Vietnamese colonel says in his broken English, “My country old, like this war. We fight French, Japan, Chinese all time … Now America teach to us how make war.” It was an irony not lost on Rider, but one that cost the American colonel his life.

Red Flags is a crime novel on the surface, but cloaked beneath that façade is a exposé of the powers that came together to guide, and profit from, the war. Jurjevics spares no one — Americans, Vietnamese, French, even the churches that were “ministering” to the local population. Masking his story as a crime novel is a shrewd choice; his military detective gets to investigate everyone, but ultimately is not allowed to do anything about anyone. Everyone who is anyone is protected by someone, and whether it’s intentional or not, this crime novel looms as an analogy, and commentary, on the war as a whole.

The novel opens with the statement, “Someday was standing on the gravel in front of Bert’s store …,” a poetic opening for a crime/war novel. Jurjevics cultivates an appreciation for the country and culture through his prose. Rider tells his own story, and his descriptions of their customs, from births and funerals to the food, offer an education that evokes sympathy for the Vietnamese villagers and Montagnard tribesmen caught in the middle. It’s a human side to the undercover agent jaded and haunted by what he experienced there. He knew the colonel’s daughter would show up someday, just as he knew that he would probably give her what she wanted. In the end, she gives him what he deserves in the form of a simple “Thank you.”

Matthew Hullinger of Surfer’s Sports Pub
By Paddy McDrinksey

As I’m sure you’re aware, we don’t go in much for Thanksgiving back in Ireland.

The closest thing we have to it is the Feast of St. Catarrh, which is actually more of a light midnight snack. Held in honor of the patron saint of dampness, this age-old autumnal celebration has only survived in the more rural parts of the country, particularly in my hometown of Killkilly. This is probably due to its roots in pagan rites, the most backward of which involves dressing the virgins of the village up as sheep, herding them into pens, and pelting them with “turf cakes.” The evening climaxes with a chaotic piss-up before everyone heads home to enjoy gallons of potato cider and small dollops of vole droppings called “Poacher’s Caviar.” So actually not even remotely like Thanksgiving after all…

And what does this have to do with this month’s “Bartender of the Month,” Matt Hullinger of Surfer’s Sports Pub? Absolutely feck all. I just happen to like the lad. He moved here six years ago from Maryland and enjoys hanging out at the beach and local watering holes. What’s not to like?

Welcome to the fold, Matthew.

How many years have you been tending bar?

Four years, but I’ve been dealing with drunk people my whole life.

Worst thing about the profession?

Rude, impatient people.

Best thing?

All the really cool people you’d never meet otherwise.

Oddest thing you’ve witnessed from behind the bar?

It happened during our drinking game, “the Gauntlet,” while escorting contestants to the bathroom. Seeing five guys peeing at the same time is pretty strange.

What’s the strangest drink you’ve ever been asked to make?

We are a beer bar, so I don’t get the chance to make drinks, but Cement Mixers just don’t make sense to me.

Your own drink of choice?

At my bar, a good IPA. At any other bar, Jameson on the rocks.

Do you have a proven hangover cure?

A big, greasy hamburger, a 20-minute nap, and a little hair of the dog.

If you could serve any celebrity, living or dead, who would it be and what would you serve them?

I’d serve Dimebag Darrell of Pantera a Black Tooth Grin, which is a big shot of whiskey and a splash of Coke.

If you could own your own bar, what would you call it and what would it be like?

“Your Mom’s House.” It would be kind of like going to your grandma’s house — plastic on the sofas, flower wallpaper, the aroma of fresh-baked cookies. Who wouldn’t want to get drunk at your mom’s house?

If you were president for a day, what would you do?

It’s been used a lot, but I’d legalize it.

What would you order for your last meal?

A steak, Oscar style, with a loaded baked potato, and a Hoptical Illusion IPA.

Any parting words of wisdom?

Don’t take life too seriously. It might kill you.

Surfer’s Sports Pub is located at 350 N. Orlando Ave. in Cocoa Beach. They’re open every day from 12 p.m. to 2 a.m., and hold Happy Hour everyday from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Wednesdays are Ladies’ Night with $1 domestic drafts for ladies from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. Thursdays see an extended Happy Hour from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. , and Sake Bomb Sundays feature $2.75 sake bombs from 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. They’re also famous for “the Gauntlet,” a challenge which involves consuming your choice of 16 16-oz. pints in one sitting. Price to accept the challenge is $50. If you succeed relatively intact — without vomiting, eating, or napping — you get your money back and a commemorative t-shirt. Call 784-2858 or drop in for detailed rules and to find out more.

The 2011 Space Coast Music Festival

Hosted by the City of Cape Canaveral, this September 24th event will feature live stage performances from some of the area’s favorite musicians.

Held in Manatee Sanctuary Park in conjunction with National Public Lands Day, the family-friendly Festival will also help raise funds to purchase instruments for Cape View Elementary’s music program.

Main stage acts include Danny Morris, Mo Geetz, Overload, the Bone Dogs, the Gilroys, the MCs, the Queen Bees, and Zen Again. Scheduled to play on the nearby boardwalk are the Tourists, Vince Baldino, Dave Grooms, Chris McCune, Jon Parrot, and Tina Eno. A silent auction is planned as well as a raffle for a guitar autographed by the legendary Warren Haynes, who’s well known for his contributions to the Allman Brothers, the Dead, the Dave Matthews Band, Gov’t Mule, the Derek Trucks Band.

The Festival is free, but donations will be accepted at the gate. A VIP party is set for Friday, September 23 at the Java Room (6600 N. Atlantic Ave. in Cape Canaveral) from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., and an after-bash jam with the Kenny Michaels Band will take place at the Port’s Baja Tavern from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. Expect guest appearances, drink specials, and the announcement of the raffle winner.

The Space Coast Music Festival takes place September 24 at Manatee Sanctuary Park from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. The Park is located at 701 Thurm Blvd. in Cape Canaveral. For more information about the event, visit www.spacecoastmusicfestival.com or email: info@earthawareness.org

Mud Rooster

Taking their name from the tail of mud that arcs up behind bikes and fourwheelers, this popular, Ocoee-based blues trio enjoys a strong beachside following.

Comprised of Dave DeQuasie (guitar and vocals), Jim Young (bass and vocals), and drummer Jorge Villar, Mud Rooster are known for their stylishly funky takes on blues standards. With influences ranging from Muddy Waters and Howlin’ Wolf to Deep Purple and the Allman Brothers, all three members also moonlight as instructors at music schools in Casselberry, Winter Garden, and Oveido.

Despite their solid reputations as some of Central Florida’s most accomplished musicians, DeQuasie, Young, and Villar aren’t afraid to inject decidedly unpolished swampiness into many of their renditions. It makes for exciting listening, whether they’re channeling the wildness of Hound Dog Taylor or churning out a sleek cover of Steely Dan’s “Pretzel Logic.”

Mud Rooster perform on Friday, September 23 at Paddy Cassidy’s Irish Pub (2009 N. Atlantic Ave.) in Cocoa Beach. Visit the band online at: www.reverbnation.com/mudrooster

Justin Murphy

Justin Murphy has been playing Irish traditional music for over twenty years. Having immigrated to the U.S. as a boy in 1978, he discovered the music of his roots while attending Tulane University in 1989.

Under the tutelage of Dublin native Richie Stafford, a player of both Irish traditional flute and fiddle, Murphy began a 15-year stint as one of the house musicians at O’Flaherty’s Irish Channel Pub in New Orleans. Initially mastering tin whistle, flute and bodhran (traditional Irish drum), he later added vocals and guitar to his repertoire. In addition to playing gigs in the Orlando area, Murphy currently teaches anthropology at Seminole State College in Sanford, FL.

Murphy was a founding member of the critically acclaimed New Orleans-based Irish band the Poor Clares, which debuted at the 1993 New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. With band members Betsy McGovern, Patrick O’Flaherty, and Beth Patterson, the Poor Clares recorded three albums and headlined festivals and concert venues throughout the U.S., including the Milwaukee Irish Festival, the North Texas Irish Festival, and Carnegie Hall. Murphy also plays in Legacy, along with Don Penzien and Valerie Plested. Focusing on the traditional dance music of Ireland, Legacy has drawn the enthusiastic attention of Irish music fanatics all across the country.

From foot-stomping jigs and reels to pub favorites and Irish songs in the tradition of Planxty and Paul Brady, Murphy’s performances offer a slice of Irish music that’s hard to beat.

Catch Justin Murphy September 16-17 at Nolan’s Irish Pub (204 W. Cocoa Beach Cswy. in Cocoa Beach) for their “Halfway to St. Patrick’s Day” celebration. Shows start at 7:30 p.m. Visit him online at: www.justinmurphymusic.com. For more information, call Nolan’s at 783-8499.

Hymn For Her

Multi-instrumentalists Lucy Tight and Wayne Waxing are Hymn For Her, a rock duo that hails from anywhere they can park their 16-foot, vintage ’61 Bambi Airstream.

Describing their music as “stomp-grass punk folk with a hint of Americana,” Hymn For Her recorded their latest release, Lucy & Wayne and the Amairican Stream, in this same trailer with the help of Jim Diamond (producer of the first two White Stripes albums). Lucy plays a
three-stringed, broom handle/cigar box guitar, banjo, and sometimes a glockenspiel. She shares vocal duties with Wayne, who also plays acoustic guitar, banjo, dobro, and/or harmonica, all while handling percussion on bass drum and hi-hat. Bullet microphones and an arsenal of effect pedals give this band a much larger sound than you’d expect. Their show is further enhanced by a slide show of original photos projected on an old-fashioned slide projector.

Wherever they play, Hymn For Her win over audiences with their twisted take on bluegrass and folk for engaging shows that offer haunting covers of Led Zeppelin or other classic rock bands. Having played hundreds of shows over the last six months, the duo has no plans
of ending their musical odyssey any time in the near future. They’ll keep to the road through the end of 2011, while they continue to write new tunes they hope to record at the end of the year.

Catch Hymn For Her on Saturday, September 10 at 8 p.m. at the Beach Shack (1 Minutemen Cswy., downtown Cocoa Beach; 783-2250). Visit the band online at www.hymnforher.com

Strings of the South: A Celebration of Americana Music
By M. A. Rivera

You say this economy has you down and out, stuck slumped in front of your TV, wishing you could get out? Never fear! If you have $10 — or even just $5 — here’s a night out you won’t soon forget.

On Friday, September 9, in downtown Cocoa Village, Built on Strength Productions will present a block party and an evening of the finest Americana music Central Florida has to offer. Presently, folk and Americana are experiencing a resurgence in popularity, and some of the best and most unique acts are coming of out Florida.

With nine bands on three stages, you’re sure to get your money’s worth. Outside at the Gazebo (9 Stone Street), the all-ages show starts at 7 p.m., with performances by Damion Suomi, Roadkill Ghost Choir, the Lonesome City Travelers, and Goodrich & The Die Tryin’s. Just $5 will get you admittance to these Gazebo sets.

Upstairs at the Hippodrome, another fiver gets you in to see critically acclaimed artist Ben Prestage, who’ll perform two sets of his unique one-man-band show, which needs to be seen to be believed. DC Wilson performs as the opening act.

Downstairs, at the Dog N’ Bone British Pub, catch free performances from the Bloody Jug Band, Chopper Stepe, and Bartender Brian.

“Strings of the South: A Celebration of Americana Music” takes place Friday, September 9 in downtown Cocoa Village. Enjoy the music of nine bands on three separate stages — the Gazebo, the Hippodrome, and the Dog N’ Bone British Pub, all of which are located in the heart of downtown at 9 Stone Street. Admission is $5 for one stage; $10 for all-access tickets.

THE HELP

Tate Taylor (“Winter’s Bone”; “Queer As Folk”) takes a break from acting to direct this summer’s movie to think about, “The Help.” In this screen adaptation of Kathryn Stockett’s 2009 novel of the same name, wannabe writer Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan (Emma Stone) conducts research for a book about African American housekeepers, the white families they clean for, and the hardships they go through daily. Set in Mississippi during the civil rights movement of the ’60s, the film takes on racism and the way it affects both blacks and whites of all backgrounds. As such, “The Help” often makes for heavy viewing. There were moments of levity here and there, but my girlfriend and I spent the majority of the film crying. The movie is great because the characters really pull you in and make you feel involved. You just have to remember that Bryce Dallas Howard (“The Village”; “Lady in the Water”) is just playing an evil character, so it would be irrational to actually hate her. She’s not really an ignorant southern bigot — at least that’s what I had to keep repeating to my girlfriend.

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK

I went into this movie thinking that it was directed by Guillermo del Toro (“Pan’s Labyrinth”; “Hellboy”), but that was just clever advertising. Del Toro just wrote it and produced it; first-time director Troy Nixey is the actual culprit. A young girl, played by Bailee Madison (“Just Go With It”), moves in with her dad (Guy Pearce of “Memento” and “L.A. Confidential”) and his new squeeze (Katie Holmes), and soon finds out that their new home is crawling with little monsters who want her all for themselves. I’m not sure if you knew this, but this film is a remake of a 1978 made-for-TV movie. Bottom of the barrel, right? At least that’s what I was thinking when I got my tickets, but I just didn’t care because Guy Pearce was a selling point for me here and man, did his casting pay off. I tend to scream like a little girl when I get scared, so I really connected with the main character. “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” is a great shocker overall, and more than delivered in the fright department.

APOLLO 18

This “really-could-have-happened” sci-fi horror works well probably because it was directed by relative unknown Gonzalo López-Gallego and employs similarly obscure actors. In it, classified footage found in a NASA footlocker reveals the secrets of the abandoned Apollo 18 mission, in which two American astronauts were sent on a dangerous expedition to the moon and never returned. The grainy film reveals the frightening reason why we’ve never gone back since. All right dorks, let’s get this out of the way — this movie only makes sense if you truly believe we even went to the moon in the first place and weren’t just trying to beat the Russians in the Space Race. I know what you’re thinking: “Alex, do you really believe that?” Well, I didn’t until this film showed me how easy it would be to fake a moon landing! And after seeing this, you may start to believe that there’s something very scary on that great big satellite in the sky. “Apollo 18″ is definitely worth seeing.

Kitten
Sunday School
Atlantic Records; 2011

Let’s focus on the music here and not the fact that Kitten’s singer, Chloe Chaidez, is only 16. This debut EP boasts five very different songs, ranging from aggressive rockers like “Chinatown” to the smart, sugary pop of “Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,” a song that suggests an affinity for Florence and the Machine. It also sounds as though the quartet grew up listening to the best of John Peel’s radio show for all the territory they cover musically. “Kitten with a Whip” makes you wonder whether the Dead Kennedy’s “Let’s Lynch the Landlord” was playing in the background when it was written, and lush standout single “Kill the Light” is a guitar-layered, beat-driven song that references Bruce Springsteen’s “Thunder Road.” Opening and closing with a low drone of distorted feedback, “Allison Day” is filled with breathy vocals that conjure Björk when she sees fit to perform actual pop songs; everything about it feels urgently hopeful and resigned at the same time. Nothing about Sunday School fits neatly into an easily identifiable category. Now with all that out of the way, did anyone tell you that Chaidez was 15 when these songs were recorded? Her warm, textured voice fits well with the music, and never demands that the instrumentation prop it up. Kitten are a true band, not a just a forgettable vehicle for another disposable pop princess. — M. Alberto Rivera

Tedeschi Trucks Band
Revelator
Sony Masterworks; 2011

Revelator, the debut release by husband-and-wife duo Derek Trucks and Susan Tedeschi, has a title that hints at an infusion of gospel and delivers on the promise. Everything on this disc is soulful and beautifully crafted, and these 12 solid numbers are as strong as the players performing them. If you want and/or expect the slide guitar histrionics Trucks is legendary for, you’ll find some of the most beautiful leads he’s played to date. Thankfully, he’s a shrewd enough player to not let showing off get in the way of a good song. Tedeschi is blessed with a sweet, seductive and powerful voice that’s reminiscent of Bonnie Raitt’s, and when she sings you’ll believe anything she has to say. Backed by a horn-packed 11-piece band, TTB  jumps, struts, swings, and shuffles elegantly to some of the best music released in recent years. There’s Delta blues, Stax soul, Meters-style instrumentals, and ’70s funk. Even the hidden track at the end of the album is an understated workout that builds and falls away like the sound of a great band warming up a crowd for a big tent revival. Each track is pure audio honey, and Revelator should quickly make a home for itself on your permanent playlist. This is a band to keep an eye on. — M.A. Rivera

Hank III
Ghost to a Ghost/Gutter Town; Attention Deficit Domination; 3 Bar Ranch Cattle Callin’
Megaforce/Hank3 Records; 2011

Hank 3 releases three albums on four CDs, boldly stating that he’ll do as he pleases from here on out. The first, Ghost to a Ghost, keeps in step with his previous alt-country releases with songs about loss, bad women, outlaw life and heartache. Heavy with Cajun and Zydeco flourishes, it also shows considerable depth and a different part of his musical palette. “Goin’ to Guttertown” and the genre-fusing title track, “Ghost to a Ghost” are standout cuts. The third recording, Attention Deficit Domination, is doom rock at its finest. On it, H3 proudly displays his devotion to lumbering slabs of distorted noise in the vein of Sleep, the Melvins, and some of Black Flag’s slower, grinding tunes. Each song pushes forward like a fully loaded truck creeping up a steep mountain. Intense and unrelenting, the guitars drone slowly and may even rattle the fillings in your molars loose. 3 Bar Ranch Cattle Callin’, the fourth in the series, finds H3 performing speed metal with exquisite double bass work over shouting cattle auctioneers, ultimately creating a previously unheard of genre. His humor is on display with song titles like “Cow Mortal” and “Angus of Death,” but each track is a slice of intense audio adrenaline. H3 took big chances on these four albums and not every listener will be enamored with much of the material, but there’s no denying Hank has stayed true to his unique artistic vision throughout. – M.A. Rivera

The Head and the Heart
The Head and the Heart
Sub Pop; 2011

Dreams don’t always become reality, but for the members of the Head and the Heart, all those open-mic night hopes ended up being as real as their self-titled debut. This born-in-a-bar Seattle band will feel familiar to Avett Brothers fans thanks to some beautiful harmonies, smart lyrics, and a smattering of romantically realistic songs about stuff we don’t often sing along to. Mumford & Sons listeners will love the unexpected crescendos and alt-county/folk rock timbres. “Rivers and Roads” is a traveling song for star-crossed lovers and “Cats and Dogs/Coeur D’Alene” is a sweet anthem about the decision to commit. “Down in the Valley” is like drinking a bottle of liquor on a back porch– beautifully heavy and regretfully hopeful for what will come. Elsewhere, “Honey Come Home,” which is realistic as a dirty fridge, offers a story about divorce, perspective, and rebirth, and “Lost in My Mind” speaks to everyone who’s ever felt like the life they’re living is less than they bargained for. Penultimate track “Sounds Like Hallelujah,” however, honors making the right decisions for all the right reasons. The Head and the Heart sounds like a lot of things, but the real heart of its brilliance comes from the band’s ability to tell the story of how we all get where we are. — V. Bormann

Josh Miller Live at the Cottage Pub
Self-released; 2011

Anyone familiar with Josh Miller’s music knows that it’s best experienced live. And while the recently released Live at the Cottage Pub is certainly no substitute, it does an excellent job of capturing Miller and his band at their very best.

For close to five years, Cocoa Beach’s Cottage Pub (now the Shak Shack) served as Miller’s musical headquarters. Apart from being his principal venue — and often, practice space — it was also where he bartended part-time and forged lasting friendships. In its heyday, the Cottage was for Miller something akin to Pee Wee’s Saloon, the now defunct Beale Street watering hole where W.C. Handy enlisted musicians and penned some of the Blues’ most enduring tunes.

Those who witnessed some of Miller’s performances in the cozy dive will find much to enjoy here, while newcomers will wish they were in attendance. Culled from a two hour-plus set, Live at the Cottage Pub is a palpable recording of a scintillating June 2, 2007 performance.

Backed by what many consider to be a classic lineup — Jim McKaba (piano), Miguel Hamoum (bass), Jonathan Buck (drums), Kevin Double (harmonica), and Karl Davis (guest vocals) — Miller coaxes fevered licks from his guitar as he bellows through over an hour’s worth of bona fide blues.

Among the songs featured here are opener “Back to the Chicken Shack,” “Chicago Breakdown,” “Done Got Tired,” and an infectious, evocative rendition of perennial Miller favorite “That Ain’t Right.” Closer “Guv’ner’s Boogie” pays tribute to Cottage owner Mark Proctor with all the strident rhythm and subtle humor the legendary Limey championed so tirelessly.

A must-have for any blues enthusiast and required listening for every Josh Miller fan.

Hear samples of Live at the Cottage Pub at: www.joshmillerblues.com and check for upcoming local performances. Josh Miller plays at the Beach Shack (1 Minutemen Cswy. in Cocoa Beach) on Friday, September 9 at 8 p.m.; Thursday, September 15 at 5:30 p.m. at Jump’s Tiny Tavern (201 Taft Ave., Cocoa Beach), and Friday, September 16 at 9:30 p.m. at Paddy Cassidy’s Irish Pub (2009 N. Atlantic Ave., Cocoa Beach).

LIBRA: You may find your little heart all aflutter this month. Is it that special someone you’ve been ogling at the gym or is it a clogged artery? Only time will tell.

SCORPIO: Your work habits have improved greatly these past few months but unfortunately will garner you no rewards. Now fill this cup with pee and price that case of Pop Tarts before I write you up.

SAGITTARIUS: Later this month you give new meaning to supporting the troops when you carry three veterans on your back during a foot race with a gay Democrat.

CAPRICORN: Everyone makes mistakes. But it takes a stubborn, persistent schmuck like you to keep making the same ones over and over. Remember this simple equation: Fire = hot.

AQUARIUS: Your popularity with the opposite sex has somewhat ebbed this month but will soon return, putting you atop everyone’s list. To castrate.

PISCES: You have a knack for spreading good cheer and positivity. This will come in handy now that you’ve fulfilled your lifelong dream of opening your own funeral parlor.

ARIES: This month I foresee the moon moving into your house and the Star of Phoebus lingering in your kitchen. If someone knocks on your door and asks if something is burning, it is most likely the Star of Phoebus.

TAURUS: Can you go the whole month without succumbing to the distractions that stifle your motivation to accomplish anything worthwhile? Better consult your bartender before giving it a try.

GEMINI: This month you’ll finally have the courage to come out of your shell, only to find that your shell was the only thing keeping you from being crushed to death.

CANCER: You’re so used to being alone that just when you thought you’d never find “The One,” you finally meet him. Sadly, he has become so used to being alone that the two of you decide it would be better to just keep to yourselves.

LEO: You have questioned my authority more than once, but this time you should heed my warnings. Things are going to take a turn for the worse in your financial house, so stock up on toilet paper and Wheat Thins while you still have the funds. Just remember, people lived just fine without electricity in the old days.

Dewey

Name: Dewey Niblit

Sex: Male

Birthday: April 13, 2011

Hometown: Cocoa Beach

Parents: Michele, Lauren, and Lily

Status: Single. Duh! I’m not even seven in human years yet.

About me: I was born a poor brindle Boston Terrier in Canaveral Groves. I remember the days sittin’ in the backyard with my six brothers, playin’ with palm fronds and howlin’ to the sweet sounds of Toby Keith on K92FM. At the tender age of eight weeks old my new owner came and drove me over a couple of causeways to my new home. As soon as I smelled the salt air and felt the sand under my paws, I knew that beach living was for me. I still like to chew on palm fronds, but we listen to Pandora around here.

Likes:  Chasing peacocks and bicyclists down the street, people watching at Surfinista Café, and belly rubs.

Dislikes: My leash and the vacuum.

Special talents: Stealing socks (I blame it on the dryer), and I can eat an entire queen-size quilt in less than a week!

I don’t want to admit it, but: I don’t know how to walk down stairs yet.

Life’s ambition: To slowly transfer all the mulch from the backyard into the house.

Favorite song: “Bohemian Like You” by the Dandy Warhols and “Darling Buds of May” by Viva Brother. (Best lines of both songs are the “OooOooOoooooo” parts.)

Favorite quote: “You know what they say about dogs with big ears…”

Advice for my human bros: I live in a house full of ladies, so trust me — just keep your muzzle shut and give the puppy face. It works every time.

Dear Romeo,

My girlfriend Angie is a great looking girl and attracts stares from guys every time we go out. I admit I get a thrill out of showing her off because it reminds me of how lucky I am. Angie has always been a conservative dresser. She could go out in an ankle-length parka and muddy galoshes and still get attention. But since she turned 35 this past June, she’s taken to wearing more revealing clothing — sometimes too revealing, in my opinion. This summer has been one of the hottest on record, I’ll give her that, but I also think she may be starting to feel self-conscious about her age and is over compensating. Personally, I think she’s too old and classy to be dressing like a 15-year-old tramp, wearing what’s become her new favorite combo, a small, tight tank top and the top of her thong peeking out of her short shorts. She thinks I’m being prudish. What’s your opinion?

“Ron”
Cocoa Beach

In my humble opinion, Desmond, a girl of any age wearing short shorts with the top of her thong sticking out is guilty of some very cheeky behavior. It makes me wonder what young girls will be wearing 10 years from now. Your lady friend would be right in thinking that you’re being prudish, however. If you love her for her looks and her body and want to support her as she goes through this difficult time, I suggest that you let her show her whale tail. Just be sure she covers her blowhole. Ahoy!

Romeo,

I’m a girl who loves the outdoors. I mean really, really loves the outdoors. I’ve been with lots of guys who share my passion for hiking and camping, but all of them eventually get fed up with my constant need to sleep out under the stars. They usually split around this time of year when the temperatures get hotter and the mosquitoes start swarming. Honestly, all that has never bothered me at all. And I always sleep in the buff! Where have all the real men gone?

Kate S.
Merritt Island

Right here! I’m a real man! Even though I routinely shave my legs and chest and spend an inordinate amount of time on my hair, you will not find a man more in love with the outdoors and camping than I. Call me sometime. I am always pitching a tent!

Romeo,

Recently, while cleaning some computer files, I discovered that my husband has been visiting a slew of disgusting porn sites on a daily basis. I feel cheated and betrayed. Plus, all of these sites deal with some very strange and disturbing fetishes. Why are men obsessed with porn? Can you explain this phenomenon?

Martha D.
Cocoa

This is a terrible calamity of which you speak. Sex is a natural function, but it shouldn’t be shown in an ugly way that ignores romance. Porn is just a mechanical thing that has no place in sex. Every man has at least one fetish, but it sounds like your husband has too many to control. I can’t give you much assistance, but you can visit my informational blog on this distressing subject at: www.romeoshotgirlongirlaction.com. Enter!

Romeo,

I’m trying to plan a sexy-themed party for dear friend who’s finally getting married and all my fellow bridesmaids. We’ve decided that we’re totally not into creepy male strippers, but we’re still having a hard time coming up with a racy alternative. Any ideas?

Janice K.
Cocoa Beach

Dear woman, how about letting me help you organize a furniture party? I know it doesn’t sound very sexy, but just wait and see. After a few pink martinis, you’ll all be showing me your chests! I’ll even let you look in my drawers!

Dear Romeo,

I am so fed up with guys who think saying “That’s what she said!” is funny. Every time I go out with my girlfriends we always meet some jerk who think it’s hilarious to add it on after we say something unintentionally suggestive. What’s worse is that some of these idiots are well into their 40s. Please tell your male readers to stop this annoying habit.

Tracy G.
Cape Canaveral

Naomi, you’re not the only girl who has written to me about this. I get loads of letters about this very topic every day. As a matter of fact, I’ve created a special email account devoted solely to such missives. Every time I turn around, my box is full… which, coincidentally, is exactly what she said.

Bartender of the Month: Ryan Hall of Coconuts on the Beach
By Paddy McDrinskey

Being an Irish-Floridian wasn’t easy for me at first, what with my ivory complexion and all.

The McDrinskeys have always been famous for being the wrong shade of sickly pale. (We once lost me gran in a pile of her freshly bleached lace doilies. If it weren’t for her cursing, we’d never have found her.) But I’ve been here seven years now, and I’m beginning to look a tad healthier.

My first attempts at tanning were disastrous. I was going for a Corinthian leather, Ricardo Montalban-type look at first, but always came out looking like a cross between Rick Astley and a boiled Dublin prawn.

What I needed, I figured, wasn’t full, unremitting sun exposure, but the kind of healthy blush afforded by a shaded outdoor patio — the kind that makes Coconuts such a popular watering hole. And I’ve found the Coconuts patio to be the perfect place for my regular sunnings.

Ryan, the bartender at the tiki bar there, keeps my caipirinhas coming as I gaze longingly at the passing parade of bouncy bronzed bums and bosoms.

Thanks, Ryan, for assisting me in my tanning endeavors. It’s due to your support that my neck, arms, and legs have the warm glow of spiced Jamaican rum. My torso and backside, however, still look like a two-day-old puddle of spilt goat’s milk…

Congratulations, Ryan! Welcome to the “Bartender of the Month” fold.

Where are you from originally? What do you like to do on your days off?

I grew up in Baltimore, Maryland. I moved down to Florida with my family 14 years ago. I like to surf and golf when I’m not working.

How long have you been tending bar?

For about five years now.

What’s your least favorite thing about the job?   

Dealing with drunk idiots.

The thing you like most about the profession?

Talking to all the locals and tourists. We get people from all over the country. The money isn’t bad either!

What’s the strangest thing you’ve witnessed from behind the bar?

A group from out of town came in one Sunday dressed up as the “Baywatch” characters. It was pretty entertaining.

What’s the strangest drink you’ve ever been asked to make?

A shot called a “Blackout” — Jäger and José Cuervo. The name seems fitting!

What’s your own drink of choice?   

Crown and ginger.

Can you recommend a trusty hangover cure?

Fruit, Gatorade, and a day off.

If you could serve any celebrity, living or dead, whom would it be and what would you serve them?

Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. I’d serve him a shot of Crown and a beer. Seems like a real chill guy.

What would you order for your last meal?

My mom’s homemade spaghetti and sauce.

What would you like to come back as in your next life?    

I’d like to come back as a pro golfer and travel around the world playing the best golf courses for millions of dollars. Sounds good to me!

If you could own your own bar, what would you call it and what would it be like?

It would be a beach bar in Hawaii called “Surf Break.”

What would you do if you were president for a day?

I’d take Air Force One and pick up all my friends and family and have a huge party at the White House.

Any parting words of wisdom?

Live each day like it’s your last. R.I.P Lisa, Winky, Uncle Billy, Pam, and Al. Forever missed!

Visit Ryan at Coconuts on the Beach (2 Minutemen Cswy., Cocoa Beach). They’re open Sunday through Thursday from 11 a.m. to 12 a.m., and Friday and Saturday from 11 a.m. to 2 a.m. Happy Hour is Monday through Friday from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., with half-price wells, calls, beer, and house wines. They host live entertainment Wednesday through Sunday (check this issue’s calendar listing for more details). Call Coconuts at 784-1422 or visit them online at www.coconutsonthebeach.com

My family and I lived in Singapore for a couple of years when I was in elementary school. On the weekends we’d go to eat at the outdoor food stalls in town. The smells from the sizzling woks were amazing, and the variety of foods incredible. Singapore is quite a mixture of cultures — Chinese, Malaysian, Indian, and Pakistani with a wee bit of British thrown in.

Here are a few of my favorite dishes from that time. The first, egg drop soup, is also known as egg flower soup. I used to watch my dad make it; the key is to pour the eggs slowly!

Egg Drop Soup

4 cups beef, chicken, or vegetable stock
2 eggs
2 teaspoons coconut oil
2 chopped scallions
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon vinegar
A few pinches of salt and pepper

Bring the broth to a boil. Beat the eggs and oil together and pour into the broth in a slow stream. Stir in the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil again. Reduce heat and serve. (I like to add more scallions to my bowl and some crunchy wontons or chow mein noodles.)

Cabbage In Coconut Milk (Masak Lemak)

1 1/2 cups coconut milk
3/4 cup chopped onions
2 minced garlic cloves
2 teaspoons anchovy paste
1/4 teaspoon dried chili peppers
3 lbs. of shredded cabbage

Put all ingredients, except for the cabbage, in a large pot and bring the mixture to a boil. Then add the cabbage, mixing well. Cover with a lid and reduce heat to low for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. This goes very well with a curry dish.

Vegetable Salad (Gado-Gado)

Heat 2 tablespoons of coconut oil in a skillet. In the oil, sauté 1/4 cup chopped onion and 3 minced garlic cloves for a few minutes. When onion is translucent and garlic is browned, stir in 1/2 cup of peanut butter, 1 teaspoon raw sugar, a pinch of salt, two pinches of dried chili peppers, and 2 teaspoons of lemon rind. Gradually add 3/4 cup milk and 3/4 cup water and simmer for a few minutes, stirring constantly. Set this dressing aside to cool. Arrange mixed greens on a platter and then cover with 1 cup shredded cabbage, 1 cup green beans, 2 cups diced tomatoes, and 2 cups sliced cucumber. Top with 1 cup chopped, boiled egg and some peanuts. Drizzle dressing over the top and serve.