Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
LEO: The many who love you forgive you for your lapses in good judgment, which are just as numerous. Like, ‘member that time when you lost the family fortune in Reno? And oh yeah, that other time when you left the iron on before leaving for that month-long vacation? And last year when you filled your infant niece’s bottle with Pabst Blue Ribbon? And… On second thought, forgiveness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You just wish everyone would stop reminding you. VIRGO:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CANCER: No matter how hard I try to sugarcoat it, your July prophecy will still have a bitter aftertaste. But not to worry; in keeping with your vaunted ingenuity, you’ve set aside several gallons of cut-rate vodka to neutralize the flavor until at least late February, 2011. Get back to me then. LEO: Try to think of yourself in your glowing youth: popular, charmingly handsome, and diligent in your work, because it will help you weather the icy reception you’ll receive at your upcoming... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
GEMINI: Hear that tuneful clink of coins cascading into the slot machine tray? Of course you do, because you’re always sitting next to the guy who hits the jackpot. That’s $71.50 you spent in nickels already. Quit while you’re ahead, hotshot. CANCER: In the world of automobiles you’re most like an Alfa Romeo — sleek, classy, and prestigious. Other drivers often covet you as you speed down the road like a sexy, scarlet bullet. Right now though, you’re in the back... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Horrorscopes: May ’10 • Lance Stardancer • TAURUS: Things are looking up. That is to say people around you are looking up. See that up there? Doesn’t look like much now, but it is in fact an anvil plummeting toward you at an astonishing speed. Get out of the… Never mind. GEMINI: When the chips are down, you’re sprawled on the floor drunkenly picking up greasy nacho shards at party no one invited you to. CANCER: Your true nature will be revealed later this month when you... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES: You try and act as though nothing ever bothers you — and may very well not. Either way, your Tourette’s Syndrome will continue to ruin parties and any dates you manage to scrounge up. TAURUS: You may be asking yourself questions like, “What is my purpose here?” and “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Well, you have no purpose here and bad people usually pay good money to have good things happen to them. There. Now quit cryin’ about it. GEMINI:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
PISCES: All your friends hold you in high regard for your inventive cooking skills. Your lovers, however, find obvious fault with your infamous “Pepper Spray Chicken Cutlets” recipe. Loosen up, will you? Love is just around the corner. ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches. TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
AQUARIUS: If you find yourself in the company of wolves, don’t wear sheep’s clothing. They will try to eat you and it will be difficult to defend yourself with all that cumbersome sheep’s clothing you’ve got on. PISCES: I foresee a big party in your future. There will be many of your close friends and family in attendance. Everyone will laugh and have a great time and you will be spoken of very highly by all. I’m just letting you know because you won’t be able to hear... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CAPRICORN Most folks gauge the temperature outside with a handy thermometer, or simply by looking out the window. Unfortunately, you don’t have that luxury, seeing as how all yours are covered up with tin foil. AQUARIUS As the moon enters your 7th house, it might be pertinent to ask yourself a question: Why do you have so many houses? Two or three, I can see. But seven? No wonder your property taxes are out of control. PISCES This is the time to test your resolve on the resolutions you’ve... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS Time to start thinking about those New Year’s resolutions, Sag. I’d begin by running more frequently and much further than you have in the past. Buenos Aires isn’t as far away as it looks. CAPRICORN You’re finally getting the respect you deserve, but this is only a glimpse of what’s to come. This time next year, you’ll be wearing that tattered “Corn Hole Champion” crown with a curious mixture of accomplishment and abject embarrassment. AQUARIUS... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO Have you ever felt sexier or more in shape? In fact you have — about 23 years ago, to be exact. Quit deluding yourself and cover up your sagging midriff, for crying out loud. SAGITTARIUS The bad news? You are one boring bastard. The good news is that other boring bastards find you incredibly fascinating thanks to your exhaustive collection of “Buck Rogers” memorabilia. CAPRICORN Which celebrity do you most resemble? That’s a good question. A damn good question. Let... [Read more...]
