Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
PISCES: All your friends hold you in high regard for your inventive cooking skills. Your lovers, however, find obvious fault with your infamous “Pepper Spray Chicken Cutlets” recipe. Loosen up, will you? Love is just around the corner. ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches. TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
AQUARIUS: If you find yourself in the company of wolves, don’t wear sheep’s clothing. They will try to eat you and it will be difficult to defend yourself with all that cumbersome sheep’s clothing you’ve got on. PISCES: I foresee a big party in your future. There will be many of your close friends and family in attendance. Everyone will laugh and have a great time and you will be spoken of very highly by all. I’m just letting you know because you won’t be able to hear... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CAPRICORN Most folks gauge the temperature outside with a handy thermometer, or simply by looking out the window. Unfortunately, you don’t have that luxury, seeing as how all yours are covered up with tin foil. AQUARIUS As the moon enters your 7th house, it might be pertinent to ask yourself a question: Why do you have so many houses? Two or three, I can see. But seven? No wonder your property taxes are out of control. PISCES This is the time to test your resolve on the resolutions you’ve... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS Time to start thinking about those New Year’s resolutions, Sag. I’d begin by running more frequently and much further than you have in the past. Buenos Aires isn’t as far away as it looks. CAPRICORN You’re finally getting the respect you deserve, but this is only a glimpse of what’s to come. This time next year, you’ll be wearing that tattered “Corn Hole Champion” crown with a curious mixture of accomplishment and abject embarrassment. AQUARIUS... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO Have you ever felt sexier or more in shape? In fact you have — about 23 years ago, to be exact. Quit deluding yourself and cover up your sagging midriff, for crying out loud. SAGITTARIUS The bad news? You are one boring bastard. The good news is that other boring bastards find you incredibly fascinating thanks to your exhaustive collection of “Buck Rogers” memorabilia. CAPRICORN Which celebrity do you most resemble? That’s a good question. A damn good question. Let... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Horrorscopes Libra: You’ll have more than one admirer this month, and they might even compete with one another for your attention. At this crucial juncture, I suggest requesting a transfer to another cell. Scorpio: If you consider that time is your most precious commodity, then those who want to waste it can be aggravating killjoys. Don’t listen to them! Take that “Pilates While You Drive” class and damn the torpedoes! Sagittarius: You’ll be fascinated by people you... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES: Make a list this month of all the things you want to do before you die. If I were you, I’d make sure it includes stuff you can actually do by the end of the month, if you catch my drift. TAURUS: Are you getting tired of answering everyone’s stupid questions regarding your gender? ‘Cause if you’re not, I have a few questions myself. GEMINI: Only a ninja of the highest order could use his skills to go so completely unnoticed in life. Until you showed up. CANCER: You... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CAPRICORN: Life isn’t nearly as dark as you make it out to be. But you have to admit that it’s hard to look on the bright side when they turn the lights out at the detox center by 8 p.m. AQUARIUS: It’s clear your energy level has been running low since the beginning of the summer. Why not recharge your batteries? I think most “personal massagers” take two “D” batteries. PISCES: There’s no denying you’re good at what you do. But that’s no... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Capricorn: People just love ordering you around, don’t they? What is is about you that makes people feel like they can always take the upper hand? Is it your sweet disposition? Your deeply-rooted belief system? Maybe it’s the orange jumpsuit you’re always wearing. Aquarius: If you asked me to enlist someone to record the soundtrack for the movie of your life, I’d choose either Xavier Cugat or Henry Mancini. Unfortunately, both have long since passed, so it looks like I’ll... [Read more...]
By: Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES: This month the world will be your stage. Unfortunately, your stage is located on the set of the new reality show “America’s Biggest A-Hole” and you, my friend, are going to take top prize. TAURUS: You can’t always find your answers in the stars. If you could, we’d all be running around adopting Malawian babies, getting our tummies tucked, and sleeping around with other rich famous people. Try referring to Wikipedia instead. It has far fewer side effects. GEMINI:... [Read more...]
