Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES You’re a stubborn optimist in even the most hopeless situations. This attitude keeps you in good stead on an upcoming vacation. But give credit where it’s due. Thanks to expensive Rémy Martin, you feel on top of the world, even though you’re in a holding cell at the bottom of the Paris hotel in Las Vegas. TAURUS Life will throw you a fair share of curveballs later this month, but you have the skill to connect with them, knock them out of the park, and slide safely home. After... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
PISCES You look for clever ways to improve your efficiency on the job. There could be some new software or some other technical expertise you could introduce to the office, but you choose to attach a foil star to your laser pointer, don flowing purple robes, and insist that your coworkers call you “Merlin.” Needless to say, this doesn’t go over too well with the branch manager. ARIES If ever there were a month to devote to methodical or contemplative work, March is it. Several of... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS: You find yourself at an impasse later this month. But don’t worry, it won’t last for long. On New Year’s Eve, a mysterious Aquarian will open the door to negotiation with a change in perspective and a fresh burst of insight. The crude shiv he brandishes will help set things in motion. CAPRICORN: Take a break from what you’re doing. Look at what people are doing around you. Check your plans in relation to those of others and see if there’s a way you can combine... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO: The leaves are changing somewhere north of here, and you’re going through some equally colorful changes of your own down south. By all means celebrate, but resist the temptation to announce your first pubic hair. It would be unseemly for a man of your advanced age. SAGITTARIUS: No one has ever doubted your worldliness or reputation as a jetsetter, so try not to show off too much this Thanksgiving. An around the world-themed feast starts well with Norwegian lox and Salade Nicoise, but... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
VIRGO: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude for a few weeks and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful. LIBRA: You may find your little heart all aflutter this month. Is it that special someone you’ve been ogling at the gym or is it a clogged artery? Only time will tell. SCORPIO: Your work habits have improved greatly these past few months but unfortunately will garner you no rewards. Now fill this cup with pee and price that case of Pop Tarts before I write... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
LEO: Feeling down? Moody and indifferent? Are you experiencing bouts of self loathing? Feeling unmotivated and unconfident? Is it hard to get out of bed and face the day? Do you visualize strangling people when they talk incessantly about unimportant issues? Me too. I think it’s going around. VIRGO: The stars support you this month and want you to take control of your future. Mel Gibson said he’s behind you all the way and that you can call him if you’re in need of a little cash... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Taurus: Looking for a surefire way to lose weight, flubberface? Try cutting down on those ice cream burritos and Snicker lasagnas. And cancel the order you placed for that new Rascal. Your mailbox isn’t as far away as it looks. Gemini: Don’t worry, Gemini. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. They just dwell in very, very low depths. So low, in fact, that when you bring them up, they can’t adjust to the change in light and temperature and promptly die when you try to lift... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Gemini: If life is getting you down, just think about all those alcoholics who waste their time sitting around in bars all day. I mean look at you. You haven’t touched a drop your entire life… and look how hopelessly boring you are. Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDI” and ending in “T”? Leo:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES It’s about time you finally implemented that new exercise regimen you’ve left sitting on the back burner for so long. Start tomorrow, Ram. Get up early, gulp a wheat grass smoothie, put on your sneakers and start making a run for it, because that old roommate whose StairMaster you pawned is on his way with three of his ultimate fighter friends. TAURUS Among all your impressive achievements, it’s your culinary skills that seem to garner the most praise this month. You make... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CAPRICORN: Things begin looking up for you this year once you choose to seek out the traumatic origins of your past failings. However, your life will take a quick downturn when your mother reveals to you that you never had a dog named “Lefty” that died. It was a goldfish, apparently, and you’re adopted. AQUARIUS: If 2010 was one of the worst years in recent memory, then brace yourself for 2011. The best you can do is hold tight for 2012, which will only be slightly less disappointing... [Read more...]
