Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS: You find yourself at an impasse later this month. But don’t worry, it won’t last for long. On New Year’s Eve, a mysterious Aquarian will open the door to negotiation with a change in perspective and a fresh burst of insight. The crude shiv he brandishes will help set things in motion. CAPRICORN: Take a break from what you’re doing. Look at what people are doing around you. Check your plans in relation to those of others and see if there’s a way you can combine... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO: The leaves are changing somewhere north of here, and you’re going through some equally colorful changes of your own down south. By all means celebrate, but resist the temptation to announce your first pubic hair. It would be unseemly for a man of your advanced age. SAGITTARIUS: No one has ever doubted your worldliness or reputation as a jetsetter, so try not to show off too much this Thanksgiving. An around the world-themed feast starts well with Norwegian lox and Salade Nicoise, but... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
VIRGO: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude for a few weeks and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful. LIBRA: You may find your little heart all aflutter this month. Is it that special someone you’ve been ogling at the gym or is it a clogged artery? Only time will tell. SCORPIO: Your work habits have improved greatly these past few months but unfortunately will garner you no rewards. Now fill this cup with pee and price that case of Pop Tarts before I write... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
LEO: Feeling down? Moody and indifferent? Are you experiencing bouts of self loathing? Feeling unmotivated and unconfident? Is it hard to get out of bed and face the day? Do you visualize strangling people when they talk incessantly about unimportant issues? Me too. I think it’s going around. VIRGO: The stars support you this month and want you to take control of your future. Mel Gibson said he’s behind you all the way and that you can call him if you’re in need of a little cash... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Taurus: Looking for a surefire way to lose weight, flubberface? Try cutting down on those ice cream burritos and Snicker lasagnas. And cancel the order you placed for that new Rascal. Your mailbox isn’t as far away as it looks. Gemini: Don’t worry, Gemini. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. They just dwell in very, very low depths. So low, in fact, that when you bring them up, they can’t adjust to the change in light and temperature and promptly die when you try to lift... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Gemini: If life is getting you down, just think about all those alcoholics who waste their time sitting around in bars all day. I mean look at you. You haven’t touched a drop your entire life… and look how hopelessly boring you are. Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDI” and ending in “T”? Leo:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES It’s about time you finally implemented that new exercise regimen you’ve left sitting on the back burner for so long. Start tomorrow, Ram. Get up early, gulp a wheat grass smoothie, put on your sneakers and start making a run for it, because that old roommate whose StairMaster you pawned is on his way with three of his ultimate fighter friends. TAURUS Among all your impressive achievements, it’s your culinary skills that seem to garner the most praise this month. You make... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CAPRICORN: Things begin looking up for you this year once you choose to seek out the traumatic origins of your past failings. However, your life will take a quick downturn when your mother reveals to you that you never had a dog named “Lefty” that died. It was a goldfish, apparently, and you’re adopted. AQUARIUS: If 2010 was one of the worst years in recent memory, then brace yourself for 2011. The best you can do is hold tight for 2012, which will only be slightly less disappointing... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS: Holidays sometimes conjure bad memories for you. So this year, forgo drinking a whole bottle of gin by the fireplace on Christmas eve waiting for “That fat, apple-cheeked bastard.” It’s scaring the children. CAPRICORN: A potential love interest will be drawn closer to you by the impressive bulge in your trousers at the Christmas office party, but will be quickly repulsed by your misunderstanding of the term “stocking stuffer.” AQUARIUS: The cold weather... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO: This Thanksgiving might bring back some bad memories for you. Simply shake them off and get down to the task at hand, which is actually cooking the bird instead of slicing it raw for “turkey sashimi,” as you’ve done in years past. SAGITTARIUS: You like to think of yourself as a Jack-of-all-trades, but behind your back, your family refers to you as “the jackass who can barely manage to screw in a light bulb.” CAPRICORN: Is the glass half full or half empty?... [Read more...]
