TAURUS Life will throw you a fair share of curveballs later this month, but you have the skill to connect with them, knock them out of the park, and slide safely home. After the game, your friends congratulate you warmly and carry you on their shoulders off the diamond, but things will get awkward in the shower.

GEMINI You often feel ignored, actively shunned even, and you can’t figure out why. You’re polite, attentive to people’s needs, and well groomed. Might it have something to do with your garlic toothpaste? Nah…

CANCER Literature is one of your abiding passions, and you’ve made your bookshelf a reflection of your soul and an enticement to romance. You’ll connect with a certain someone who’s ready to sleep with you as soon as they see your collection of Italian renaissance love poetry. Once they notice these tomes outnumbered by “Garfield” collections, however, the deal’s off.

LEO Normally, the upcoming alignment of the stars would bode well for you. But the unusual position of Uranus will find you walking with a pronounced limp well into July.

VIRGO You find yourself more fatigued than usual this spring, and realize it may have something to do with your joints. Try packing them with less hashish and apply more linament.

LIBRA Heaven knows how you’ve managed to get this far through life unscathed. Determined journalists determine that it’s probably due to your father’s wealth and influential connections.

SCORPIO You’ve never believed in the Easter Bunny, but you’d do well to take a page from his playbook around the middle of the month. Before slipping drunkenly into bed with “Gary,” the guy you picked up after last call, be sure to hide all your eggs.

SAGITTARIUS This month finds you fulfilling your dream of visiting Bulgaria, the land of your forefathers. I recommend passing on cheap cassettes and signing up for a proper language course, or you might find yourself writing alimony checks to a goat by this time next year.

CAPRICORN If there’s one thing you can’t stand, it’s being misunderstood. You’ve made considerable progress in connecting with your peers, but none of them speak Farsi.

AQUARIUS Your love of history is what drives you to become the first member of your family to earn a master’s degree. You’re almost there, and you’re certain that your dissertation, “Hannibal and the Carthaginian Invasion of Rome,” will dazzle your professors. Check your facts, though. George Peppard never crossed the Alps on an elephant.

PISCES Acting is what you live for, but all these recent rejections are giving you second thoughts about your choice of career. Stay strong. Things will take a turn for the better in early May when, at long last, that tortured expression you wear catches the eye of an industry bigwig. Congratulations, “Pepto Bismol Customer #3″!

ARIES If ever there were a month to devote to methodical or contemplative work, March is it. Several of your blouses could be mended, the garden is overgrown, and the baby’s room needs redecorating. By the time you get finished trimming your husband’s back, ear, and nose hair, however, you won’t have much time to tackle these projects.

TAURUS Your capable mind is working well all month. You are able to quickly separate the nonessential from the essential in no time at all. A period of intellectual inspiration has dawned in your life, and expressing yourself with flair has suddenly become very important to you. This is a shame, because no one can understand what you’re saying with your jaw wired shut.

GEMINI This month you’ll find that your children are keeping you busier than normal. New solutions in dealing with this problem are sorely needed; the tried-and-true doesn’t cut it anymore. It’s the new, the revolutionary, and original that catches and holds your interest now. Boarding school is out of your budget, so you decide to build them cages out back.

CANCER A visitor in your home later this month will compliment your refined taste. This seems odd, seeing as how you haven’t cleaned since summer and your framed Megadeth poster has been faded by the sunlight coming through your broken blinds. But when you remember that you’re paying $200 an hour for her company, it all starts to make so much more sense.

LEO You know you’ve come a long way from your errant youth when you find yourself offended that the police aren’t pulling you over for driving erratically. Resist the temptation to flag them down at a checkpoint to prove that you’ve only consumed a 12-pack of O’Doul’s.

VIRGO Don’t settle for a second-class job when your skills are first-class. That’s not to say that you don’t enjoy mopping up spills in aisle 3, but unfortunately there isn’t any need for a Senior Spaghetti Sauce Jar Knocker-Over.

LIBRA There’s no doubt you have a gift, as many of your friends are quick to remind you. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. But please try to keep away from playgrounds.

SCORPIO There’s a tendency to be too strict with yourself of late, and this is counterproductive. If you’re concerned that there’s no possible way you could eat another dozen Little Debbies, think again. There can only be one “Fattest Slob in Brevard,” and you’ve never settled for second best. Sip on a milkshake and get back to work.

SAGITTARIUS Through process of elimination, you’ll find just where a problem stems from. When your life gets this chaotic, it’s important to calm down, take a deep breath, think clearly, and blame your parents.

CAPRICORN If there’s one thing you hate about the state of this country, it’s the preponderance of ill-informed talking heads glutting the airwaves. You’re so incensed about this that you agree to go on “The O’Reilly Factor” to discuss your concerns, only to be told what a pinhead you are and cut off before you can make an insightful point.

AQUARIUS Let’s put it this way: If all the parking spaces closest to the entrance of paradise were taken, you’d have no qualms about circling until the ideal spot opened up rather than walk the length of the lot. That you’ve ridden your bike there makes no difference to you. It’s the principle of the matter.

CAPRICORN: Take a break from what you’re doing. Look at what people are doing around you. Check your plans in relation to those of others and see if there’s a way you can combine forces and kill more birds with fewer stones. This shouldn’t be difficult, seeing as how slow those stupid sandhill cranes are.

AQUARIUS: Your home is your castle. Spend time fixing things up to better suit your needs. Take a look at an investment and consider installing a portcullis over the garage door. The “Occupy the Hendersons at 1611 S. Orlando Avenue” movement is rapidly gathering steam.

PISCES: It’s high time you made contact with someone you’ve been avoiding for far too long. Admit it: you’re in love with her. And why not? She’s pretty, smart, and devoted to her profession. Phoning her up will put a smile on her face. And go ahead, call her “Sweetie Pie.” “Parole Officer” is such a loaded term.

ARIES: Information is power. Keep busy by learning all you can about something you are trying to master. Networking and being receptive to different ways of doing things will help you advance in your goal, but picking up a copy of “Candyland for Dummies” might be the best place to start.

TAURUS: Participate in a cause you believe in. Reach out to people you feel can help. Collaborating will put you in a good position and help to build strong alliances. Cultivating these partnerships will be crucial to the success of your New Year’s Eve wife-swapping party.

GEMINI: This Christmas season brings a surge of memories, both good and bad. Focusing on the good ones is the key to staving off your creeping suspicion that Frosty the Snowman and God just might be fictional characters.

CANCER: Running into an old flame makes you rethink your current situation. Brush aside nagging doubts, look to the heavens for confirmation, and you’ll find that it’s written in the stars. To the naked eye, the message looks like “Love Forever.” A reasonably powerful telescope, however, shows it to read: “She’s batsh*t crazy.”

LEO: You’ve always been an avid gardener, but the severe sciatica flare-up you’ll experience later this month will spur a search for a more convenient hobby. All you’ll need are some scissors, glue, and an active imagination to join the Porn Scrapbooking Club of Rockledge.

VIRGO: People have a habit of ignoring you, but you don’t need to go overboard to get their attention. Looking back though, jumping off the bow of the casino boat was probably your only option.

LIBRA: You’ll be pulled in two different directions when it comes to emotional matters, and the stress it’s putting on you is beginning to take its toll. Take a step back to reflect, prioritize your desires, and start looking for a second mistress.

SCORPIO: You love living in Florida, but these warm December temperatures often get you down. If you find yourself dreaming of a white Christmas this year, simply put on a Bing Crosby album. It doesn’t get much whiter than Bing Crosby.

SAGITTARIUS: No one has ever doubted your worldliness or reputation as a jetsetter, so try not to show off too much this Thanksgiving. An around the world-themed feast starts well with Norwegian lox and Salade Nicoise, but falls flat when the Burmese maggot pudding comes to the table.

CAPRICORN: If you devoted as much time to your personal hygiene as you do to detailing your expensive car, you probably wouldn’t have to spend your weekends scraping boogers off the console of your limited edition Alfa Romeo.

AQUARIUS: You’re a slave to fashion — so much so that you’re shamed by a flea market vendor into buying two Abernathy & Finch t-shirts, a pair of Channel sunglasses, and a Dolce & Banana handbag.

PISCES: As a proud veteran of the U.S. Navy, you rightfully take umbrage at all the “don’t bend over for the soap” jokes you routinely hear. However, your life might be a tad easier if you refrained from wearing that purple feather boa each time you went out.

ARIES: For you, there’s never a question of as to whether the glass is half-full or half-empty so long as there’s at least a drop or two of cheap vodka in it.

TAURUS: Math has never been your strong point, but that’s no excuse for allowing many of your monthly bills to go unpaid. Your subscription to Hustler.com is still current, but it’s hard enjoying the benefits when your power’s been cut off.

GEMINI: Your interest in genealogy provides you with both joy and abject disappointment later this month. On your father’s side, you’ll be pleased to learn that you’re distantly related to Abraham Lincoln. Too bad your mother is Steve Doocy’s sister.

CANCER: Your desire to always be first in your field is certainly commendable. Changing the name of your business from “Zorro’s Zesty Prostitutes” to “AAAA-1 Escorts” is probably the best decision you’ll ever make.

LEO: Your family has always played an important role in your life, and Thanksgiving is the time when you shine the brightest. It’s a shame your relatives don’t share your enthusiasm for humping the turkey before it gets carved.

VIRGO: If you’re unhappy about your lot in life, consider the people who have it as bad, if not worse, than you do. It’s this kind of thinking that will buoy your spirits while your yacht is in drydock for repairs.

LIBRA: You know that you’ve always been uncommonly attractive to men, but you’re puzzled by the growing number of nerds who have been hitting on you since you got that Chinese “Peace” character tattooed on your ankle. Turns out it’s not Chinese at all, but Klingon for “Space Wench.”

LIBRA: You may find your little heart all aflutter this month. Is it that special someone you’ve been ogling at the gym or is it a clogged artery? Only time will tell.

SCORPIO: Your work habits have improved greatly these past few months but unfortunately will garner you no rewards. Now fill this cup with pee and price that case of Pop Tarts before I write you up.

SAGITTARIUS: Later this month you give new meaning to supporting the troops when you carry three veterans on your back during a foot race with a gay Democrat.

CAPRICORN: Everyone makes mistakes. But it takes a stubborn, persistent schmuck like you to keep making the same ones over and over. Remember this simple equation: Fire = hot.

AQUARIUS: Your popularity with the opposite sex has somewhat ebbed this month but will soon return, putting you atop everyone’s list. To castrate.

PISCES: You have a knack for spreading good cheer and positivity. This will come in handy now that you’ve fulfilled your lifelong dream of opening your own funeral parlor.

ARIES: This month I foresee the moon moving into your house and the Star of Phoebus lingering in your kitchen. If someone knocks on your door and asks if something is burning, it is most likely the Star of Phoebus.

TAURUS: Can you go the whole month without succumbing to the distractions that stifle your motivation to accomplish anything worthwhile? Better consult your bartender before giving it a try.

GEMINI: This month you’ll finally have the courage to come out of your shell, only to find that your shell was the only thing keeping you from being crushed to death.

CANCER: You’re so used to being alone that just when you thought you’d never find “The One,” you finally meet him. Sadly, he has become so used to being alone that the two of you decide it would be better to just keep to yourselves.

LEO: You have questioned my authority more than once, but this time you should heed my warnings. Things are going to take a turn for the worse in your financial house, so stock up on toilet paper and Wheat Thins while you still have the funds. Just remember, people lived just fine without electricity in the old days.

VIRGO: The stars support you this month and want you to take control of your future. Mel Gibson said he’s behind you all the way and that you can call him if you’re in need of a little cash (unless of course you’re Jewish). Angelina Jolie left a message and said “You can do it!” but don’t call back, she’s “busy.” And Gary Busey called to say that you’re doing a great job and he’s going to need to crash on your couch for a few days.

LIBRA: Treat yourself to something nice this month. You don’t have to go overboard, just something small that will make you happy. Something small and useful. Like a midget with a great set of tools.

SCORPIO: If you’re having trouble getting started this month, don’t worry. You may just need a little jumpstart. Try mixing two cans of Red Bull, three cups of sugar, a can of minty fresh Copenhagen, three sprigs of parsley, and a pint of Irish whisky in a large blender. Add some ice and puree. Now drink. If that doesn’t work, it’s too late for you. You’re already dead. Quit your job and get married.

SAGITTARIUS: This feeling of insecurity that’s been hanging over your head stems from the fact that you’ve never really satisfied a woman, you drive like an old lady, you were never any good at sports, and even though you’re in you’re 30s, your little sister could still take you in a fist fight. Wait, don’t cry… I didn’t mean it. I was just joking! You’re the man! Seriously.

CAPRICORN: Bad decisions will play a key role in this month’s unfolding of loneliness and gloom. Keep this in mind when you opt to spend your time with a no-talent oaf with the personality of a cane toad instead of the handsome athletic hunk next door. You may want to lay off the Pina Coladas. They seem to effect your otherwise good judgment.

AQUARIUS: Your travel star shines bright this month. Go adventure to the ends of the earth. Seek new places and cultures. Drink in the strangeness of a new land. Inhale the wisdom of ancient jungles. Slap yourself with a few Bintang beers and a $5 masseuse. Just remember to pack plenty of sunscreen, aspirin, clean skivvies, and a funny hat. And, oh yeah, monkey repellant.

PISCES: Everything looks to be in your favor this month: your finances, your love life, top-notch health, and a surprise waiting just around the corner. You’ll get a special visit from a very special someone, and just when you think things can’t get any better, they get way worse. You lose your job and your lover splits. Then you find out after a routine checkup that both your hands need to be removed and you develop a sudden lisp. And that special someone turned out to be not so special. Turned out to be a pain in the ass, really.

ARIES: Don’t worry about a thing this month! Or for the rest of your life, in fact! A great fortune will befall you and you’ll have plenty of money to make sure you and everyone you love will live the remainder of their lives in ecstasy! Wait. Wrong reading. Says here you’re going to get hit by a comet. Never mind.

TAURUS: Nothing really changes for you this month. It’s going to be the same as last month. Except, maybe throw in a little food poisoning and the shingles. Yeah, everything will be pretty much the same except for the constant diarrhea and painful, itchy scabbie things. And your car might get repossessed. But that’s probably it. Everything else? The same.

GEMINI: Take good care of yourself in the coming weeks and you will notice an instant attraction from the opposite sex. Take too good of care of yourself and you will notice an instant attraction from the same sex. Know what I mean?

CANCER: This year will be somewhat of a rollercoaster. At first there will be excitement, then suspense followed by a quick thrill and then a sudden stop. Then a little dizziness when you realize all your money came out of your pocket and your hat flew off. You will leave the year with empty pockets and the feeling you’ve been taken for a ride.

Gemini: Don’t worry, Gemini. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. They just dwell in very, very low depths. So low, in fact, that when you bring them up, they can’t adjust to the change in light and temperature and promptly die when you try to lift them up onto your rusty jon boat. Maybe your bait is stale.

Cancer: Yes, in case you’re wondering, size does matter. But you knew that already, didn’t you, you jerk. I mean, you’re probably the only guy I know who’s decided to outfit his crappy, second-hand Mazda with a really wide muffler. That high-pitched buzzing sound you make when you accelerate past me at the stoplight is such a turn-on!

Leo: This next election — one of he most important of the century — will hinge solely on your vote. So who will it be, that peroxided, collagened, siliconed blonde in the string bikini, or the brunette with the big knockers wearing Brazilian dental floss? Have another rum runner and get involved!

Virgo: You take being green to another level, Virgo. Your rapacious jealousy gets you into many a tight corner with those thousands of old lovers you keep running into. Maybe you should stop recycling all those old lines and start a compost heap.

Libra: Wow, do you look like something! I mean, that tortured gaze! That impeccable posture! That sexy tilt of your head! When does the neck brace come off? And what the hell happened to you?

Scorpio: Sex appeal isn’t everything. In fact, it’s nothing as far as you’re concerned. Your taste in mates is on a par with a French sommelier with inoperable tongue cancer. If you need to know the difference between a St. Emilion ’62 and a Colt 45, just ask the guy next to you with his head down on the bar.

Sagittarius: Who says money buys happiness? Well, you sure do. Especially when happiness comes in the form of a roll of electrical tape, Vaseline, and a bootlegged copy of “Spring Break Dreams II: Wetter and Wilder.” That’ll be $24.95, you sad, sad fool.

Capricorn: Gas prices getting you down? Don’t fret. The way you consume Taco Bell’s frita suprema gordita chimichanga grandes, you could fuel a fleet of overloaded Escalades with your flatulence. Crack a window, for Pete’s sake.

Aquarius: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Your level of desperation, however, is so off the scale that a roomful of IBMs couldn’t calculate your loserhood. Things are looking up, though. This month will see you go from “groveling” to “bowing and scraping.” Well done.

Pisces: There’s something behind you, Pisces, and it ain’t your pudgy can. Yes, that’s right, it’s your past, and it’s catching up with you pretty quickly in the form of a 400-lb. Samoan mime named “Flippy.” That’ll teach you to chuck M80s at guys stuck in glass boxes.

Aries: Good news, lovable ram! Everything’s coming up roses! Looking into my crystal ball, I can see that everything’s just gonna get better from here on out. Love? Check. Money? Check. Fame? Check. Happiness? Double check. Yes, life is beautiful, and come the 15th you’ll be on top of the world! Unless your name happens to be Dave. Sorry, man.

Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDI” and ending in “T”?

Leo: You’re a conservationist at heart. You recycle, you buy organic produce, and you ride your bicycle to work every day. But that’s not enough. You also need to save your breath. Stop bragging to everyone about how “green” you are and live a little why don’t you?

Virgo: You dressed yourself up, opened the door for her, held her hand, paid the bill, and drove her home. So why no hanky panky? What went wrong? Maybe taking her to Lucky Dragon Grand Buffet wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Scorpio: Feel like things are going your way finally? Don’t be so sure. I know of at least six people who’d say otherwise. One’s your priest and the other five all work in the Public Defender’s office.

Libra: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Like how does lighting always strike you whenever there’s a thunderstorm? And how did he come up with the idea of metal plates that those doctors inserted into your head?

Sagittarius: Wow! That was some night, wasn’t it? Everyone was going crazy — especially you! That was really great! You are one dancing fool! No, I mean you really are a dancing fool. You dance like a complete fool.

Capricorn: People just love ordering you around, don’t they? What is is about you that makes people feel like they can always take the upper hand? Is it your sweet disposition? Your deeply-rooted belief system? Maybe it’s the orange jumpsuit you’re always wearing.

Aquarius: If you asked me to enlist someone to record the soundtrack for the movie of your life, I’d choose either Xavier Cugat or Henry Mancini. Unfortunately, both have long since passed, so it looks like I’ll be calling Boy George.

Pisces: Travel is what you need, fish. I know your budget is tight, but there are plenty of exotic locales that don’t cost a fortune. Darvocet isn’t a city in Romania, but it’s still a pretty nice destination.

Aries: Time to stop putting off all those changes you’ve been promising to make. Time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and get yourself back in shape. I know it’s a difficult task, but it will all seem doable after two calzones and a dozen Peronis.

Taurus: Quit nitpicking about everyone else’s faults when yours are just as glaring, you sanctimonious jerk. Maybe taking up the cloth wasn’t the good idea it sounded like now that you’ve been caught with your hand in the church’s poor box.

It’s about time you finally implemented that new exercise regimen you’ve left sitting on the back burner for so long. Start tomorrow, Ram. Get up early, gulp a wheat grass smoothie, put on your sneakers and start making a run for it, because that old roommate whose StairMaster you pawned is on his way with three of his ultimate fighter friends.

TAURUS

Among all your impressive achievements, it’s your culinary skills that seem to garner the most praise this month. You make a mean chicken cacciatore, but it’s the way you’ve cooked your company’s books that keeps the auditors coming back for more.

GEMINI

Fighting for your rights is a core principle of your makeup. Wearing eye shadow, blush, and cherry red lingerie with your powdered wig and tricorn hat, however, undermines your ability to swing the local chapter of the Tea Party in favor of your “Founding Queens” offshoot group.

CANCER

If you’re confused about how to tackle the abysmal state of your financial affairs this month start by taking a closer look at your exorbitant power bills. Some amateur sleuthing might reveal that your son’s ongoing science project in the garage isn’t all it seems. Try hitting him up for some extra cash. His meth business is booming.

LEO

Your life has seen its fair share of ups and downs, but the end of the month sees you settling into a holding pattern when you find yourself stuck on the sofa clutching your genitals while watching Lawrence Welk marathons after a botched vasectomy.

VIRGO

Fools rush in, so they say, where angels fear to tread. Remember this next time you and your drinking buddies decide to fire up a jet ski in your neighbor’s pool.

LIBRA

It’s hard to put your finger on it, but something is definitely missing from your life of late. Cancel all appointments, stay home, take a good look in the mirror and you may get closer to the answer. Better yet, check your phone messages. The bar called to inform you that you left your toupee atop the urinal in the men’s room.

SCORPIO

Of all your flaws, your unwillingness to plan ahead is your most crippling. This month, however, it proves to be very beneficial once you forgo stocking your apartment with items from your hurricane survival checklist to splurge for a slightly better brand of gin. Drink up and ride it out on your futon, you obstinate genius.

SAGITTARIUS

If your sex life seems dull and lifeless it’s not just your imagination. But your overactive imagination does in fact play a strong role in your dissatisfaction. Creative sex games are all well and good, but your fetish for dressing up like Elliot Spitzer doesn’t go over well in the bedroom. It’s still too soon.

CAPRICORN

We all need our fair share of down time. The way you’ve been working lately, you’re due for at least six year’s worth of rest and relaxation. Try Angola. The Feds will never think to look for you there.

AQUARIUS

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? All your efforts to get ahead in your work have come to naught. Better days lie ahead though, when an unfortunate accident leaves you with plenty of time to sit at home and finally finish archiving your vast collection of rejection notices.

PISCES

You’ve been down in the dumps for far too long and it’s about time things took a turn for the better. Look for inspiration in the back pocket of the jeans you wore last Friday. In it you’ll find an insightful passage you clipped from a Joel Osteen book, which should burn quite nicely when you use it to roll a joint with the weed you’ll find in your front pocket.

AQUARIUS: If 2010 was one of the worst years in recent memory, then brace yourself for 2011. The best you can do is hold tight for 2012, which will only be slightly less disappointing than the six years to follow.

PISCES: You’re tired of watching everyone else’s fireworks go off on New Year’s Eve and wish you could set your own off in the bedroom to ring in 2011. But please don’t be tempted to take this suggestion literally. Your wife will appreciate the silk sheets strewn with rose petals, but might hold the Roman candles you light off against you. The fire department certainly will.

ARIES: Implementing an ambitious exercise regimen this year will go a long way toward making you feel better about yourself. Bicycling back and forth to work is definitely a good start, but that requires you finding a job, which isn’t likely. I’d just go for a sit-up or two.

TAURUS: Having doubts about whether or not you can reach your true potential this year? Well, you’re not alone. All of your friends and extended family also doubt it, as do all of your seven other personalities.

GEMINI: Alcohol consumption has always been a problem for you, and after the way this holiday season went, your family is inclined to agree that lacing your morning coffee with a generous splash of brandy will go a long way toward making you a more relaxed and agreeable person.

CANCER: There’s no denying that being lonely again this year is a depressing prospect, but once you look at the alternative, which is spending more time with your mother-in-law, alimony seems a small price to pay for happiness.

LEO: Half of me wants to see you spread your wings and fly up to that snow-capped peak of success. The other half of me has no interest in seeing what’s beneath your wings. I know you’re good at setting personal and professional goals, but the concept of personal hygiene seems to have escaped you.

VIRGO: If I were to give you one word of advice it would be: llannfarggynnyddwwainhunffenech, and old Welsh word that roughly translates into “the act of making a concerted effort to complete on a number of complicated tasks excluding driving or operating a tractor in heavy rain or fog.” But that doesn’t really cover it. I’d just learn Welsh if I were you.

LIBRA: When you awaken each morning your feet ache, your teeth tingle, your joints creak, and your eyes sting. Either you’re suffering from fibromyalgia or you’re simply an irritable bastard. Both your wife and your doctor, who seem to have been spending a lot of time together lately, come to think of it, agree with the latter diagnosis.

SCORPIO: Life isn’t nearly as dark as you make it out to be. But you have to admit that it’s hard to look on the bright side when they turn the lights out at the detox center by 8 p.m.

SAGITTARIUS: People would love to castigate you for your choice in leisure pursuits. I’m sorry, did I say “castigate”? I meant “castrate.” I suggest moving to Bangkok as soon as you get your affairs in order.

CAPRICORN: A potential love interest will be drawn closer to you by the impressive bulge in your trousers at the Christmas office party, but will be quickly repulsed by your misunderstanding of the term “stocking stuffer.”

AQUARIUS: The cold weather brings out both the best and worst in you. You feel energized, as if you had a new lease on life, and you’re finally free from the bonds of the humidity and sweltering heat. That doesn’t give you carte blanche, however, to go around jogging in that ridiculous Santa hat.

PISCES: You’ve cheated death for one more year. Almost. Keep your eye out for the midget in the elf suit drunk on schnapps. He doesn’t seem to want to be picked up, and he’s packing heat. And you were so close!

ARIES: This Christmas, be sure to affix name tags immediately after wrapping each gift. Otherwise, your girlfriend will be confused when she opens a box of Metamucil, and your grandfather will take a swing at you when he sees that you’ve given him a “personal massager.”

TAURUS: The biggest gift you bring this year is Love. And unfortunately, bringing an overweight prostitute named “Love” to your company Christmas party turns out to be a pretty bad idea.

GEMINI: Well, you have one more month until another year is wrapped up and shot to hell. Time is of the essence, so sit back, spike the eggnog, and ride it out in style.

CANCER: You realize that you’ve experienced more than the usual level of stress this season while trying to untangle the Christmas lights. It’s not untangling them that instigated this feeling, though; it’s when you realize that you forgot to tie the tree to the roof of your Smart car.

LEO: You’re showered with positivity later this month when all your complicated holiday plans finally come to fruition. Congratulations. You overcame all obstacles to get the family together for the first time in years. The problem? You now have your family together for the first time in years.

VIRGO: Go ahead, spin that dreidel one more time, but don’t be depressed when you lose your entire stash of chocolate gelt to your annoying five-year-old cousin. Introduce him to craps. The odds will work better in your favor.

LIBRA: You’ll be blessed with a new addition to the family on Christmas day, and the symbolism will not be lost on you. The three kings, in the form of your three long-lost brothers, however, will ruin the moment when they come bearing, not gold, frankincense, and myrrh, but a six-pack of Natural Ice, a gram of coke, and a half-eaten pepperoni Hot Pocket.

SCORPIO: You’re inspired this month by the tale of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, and will hold him up as an inspiration to justify your shortcomings. As eager as you are to save the day though, no one will ever have much use for “Bill, the guy with rosacea.”

SAGITTARIUS: You like to think of yourself as a Jack-of-all-trades, but behind your back, your family refers to you as “the jackass who can barely manage to screw in a light bulb.”

CAPRICORN: Is the glass half full or half empty? For you, it’s not a question of optimism vs. pessimism, but of proper drinking receptacles. They’re a cute design touch at dinner parties, but PoFolks in Panama City wants their mason jars back.

AQUARIUS: Make a list this month of all the things you want to do before you die. If I were you, I’d make sure it includes stuff you can actually do by the end of the month, if you catch my drift.

PISCES: During these balmy autumn days you often find yourself staring into the clouds. Years ago, you’d see images of elephants, fire trucks, castles, and fluffy sheep. These days you’re more likely to see outlines of Obama giving a fascist salute.

ARIES: Volumes have been written about enigmatic individuals such as yourself. Eight, in fact. Together, they’re called: “Neuroses and Acute Dementia as Exhibited in the Paranoid Megalomaniac,” published by the Cambridge University Press.

TAURUS: You have a lot to be thankful for, Bull. Remembering this is key to getting yourself through some very hard times later this month when you’ve been informed that your vision is xswiandsdnsjn.

GEMINI: Good things come in small packages, so they say. Really fantastically great things come in those tiny Ziploc baggies people who sell speed usually use.

CANCER: Ever wish you had super powers? Ever wish you could go back in time and thwart an event that resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocents? Nothing so altruistic for you, Crab. No, you’re too busy wishing you were invisible so you could watch Salma Hayek shower.

LEO: Coffee, tea or her is the question for you right now. She’s getting tired of waiting around for you to deliver in the bed department. She sure does look good in those black garters, but what sane man could resist an enticing Cinnamon Dolce Frappuccino at this time of the morning?

VIRGO: A stitch in time saves nine, but at the end of the day it’s dollars to donuts — or six of one, a half dozen of the other. I’m not quite sure what that means, but mulling it over might take your mind off the tragedy set to befall you when you foolishly decide to put all your eggs in one basket.

LIBRA: Cumbersome thoughts plague you in the weeks ahead. And by “cumbersome,” I mean how the hell you’re going to strap all of your belongings to the top of your rusted-out Ford Fiesta now that your girlfriend has kicked you out of your apartment.

SCORPIO: There will be two paths to take this month: one is long and fraught with danger; the other is short and leads straight to catastrophe. If I were you, I’d just take a long walk off a short pier.

SAGITTARIUS: The process of creation isn’t as straightforward as the recipe would have you believe. People applaud you for your bold ingenuity, but can’t quite stomach the awful fruit tart you whipped up at the last minute. Think twice next time before substituting mackerel for macerated strawberries.

CAPRICORN: In trying to come up with a suitable costume for your upcoming office Halloween party, try to steer clear of controversial themes. The director of the children’s shelter where you work might frown on your Jon Benet Ramsey costume. As a matter of fact, I think anyone would.

AQUARIUS: Whatever you do, you take the time to do it right. Whether it’s mapping out the week’s itinerary or planning the kids’ lunches for the next month, you leave nothing to chance. Which is distressing, seeing as how you’re under house arrest and your ex-wife took the children 10 years ago.

PISCES: Your hometown will decide to create a public holiday in your honor. The bad news is that no one will get the day off for “Annoying Storyteller Guy Day.”

ARIES: Ever wonder why bad things happen to good people? Well keep wondering, sister. That should keep you occupied when you’re not busy dodging the guy you met through Hannitydate.com.

TAURUS: You have a magical way of bringing people together. You haven’t seen your father’s side of the family in ages, yet here they’ll be later this month attending your sentencing for trying to run Pops over because of the grief he gave you for refusing to attend last year’s family reunion.

GEMINI: A financial bonus comes just in time to brighten the Holidays. Disappointingly, you blow it all on a new integrated aerobic exercise system which involves bouncing up and down on some overpriced, souped-up pogo sticks. Not only are you in terrible debt, you’ve also got two broken legs. So much for that Aspen ski vacation this Christmas.

CANCER: A close friendship develops on Halloween night. If you play your cards right, it could turn out to be much more than just a casual, drunken fling. Sadly, “playing your cards right” entails you wearing the same puke-encrusted clown shoes on every subsequent date. This guy’s a real catch, but he sure has a strange fetish.

LEO: You’ve been suspecting it for years, but the truth finally comes out later this month. Yes, sorry to say, you are in fact dyslexic. You were meant to go out and get an IUD, not a DUI.

VIRGO: Who in their right mind doesn’t like the odd bout of wacky behavior? The other parents at your daughter’s Halloween party, to start with. It’s you who may not be in your right mind. Bobbing for thongs? An astonishingly bad idea. And the less said about your off-color Pin the Tail on the Donkey game, the better.

LIBRA You resent being called a lazy, out-of-shape slob. Sure, you’re not the fittest guy in any given room, but what do appearances matter anyway? For you, it’s personality that matters most. And as flabby as you are, you’re constantly exercising your right to be an obnoxious ass to everyone you meet. Surely that counts for something.

SCORPIO Later this month, several windows of opportunity will open themselves up to you. The problem is choosing which one to throw yourself out of when you get nabbed for breaking and entering.

SAGITTARIUS Here we go again. What on earth did you come into the kitchen for? Damned if you can remember. Was it to turn off the oven? Was it to grab your keys? Relax. You’re not going senile. Sit down, take a deep breathe, gather your thoughts, and the solution will come to you. Had enough time? Good. Now get your car keys out of that oven and get to work. And don’t forget to wear an oven mitt; they’re piping hot.

CAPRICORN If variety is the spice of life, then yours has way too many habaneros in it right now. Congratulations. You now have not one, but eight attractive salsa instructors out for you blood. And you still can’t dance to save your life.

AQUARIUS The one who loves you with a pure and unconditional love will support your right to make a choice, even if she doesn’t agree with it. After all, that’s what you’re paying her for, right?

PISCES A complex problem will unravel itself with the perspective of distance. Wonderful job tying that tow rope, skipper. We’re very impressed with your knowledge of nautical knots. Now would you please be good enough to explain how exactly that girl in the kayak will be able to drag your houseboat off the sandbar? Put down the Busch Lite and consult your charts next time.

ARIES You’ll be nice to someone who certainly doesn’t deserve it. It’s because of your good manners and superior moral character that you do this. However, darling, the man who wants to borrow your purse for a moment probably has no intention of giving it back. The knife he held to your throat should have set off some alarms.

TAURUS Is life too long or too short? Make up your mind. Your struggle with this conundrum is keeping you from achieving your goals. Pester your dad into splurging on that “Dora the Explorer” lunchbox, consequences be damned. You can’t afford to look unfashionable on your first day of preschool.

GEMINI It’s been said that at your best you could charm the panties off a Bavarian bear. Later this month, you prove it to be true when you actually do charm the panties off a ravenous Bavarian bear. Why he was wearing panties in the first place is beside the point; the future of you circus career, however, remains in question. Didn’t it occur to you that children would be in the audience?

CANCER Whichever way you slice it, your prospects for success will diminish considerably later this month. And whichever way you slice that chicken you prepared for your boss, it still spells “salmonella.”

LEO As partiers go, you’re one of the most legendary around. You sing and dance like no one’s business, you can drink even the most hardened imbibers under the table, and you’re never at a loss for an uproariously off-color gag. Unfortunately, these skills don’t quite fly so high with the Archdiocese. And neither has your insistence that all parishioners refer to you as “Daddy.”

VIRGO: You’ll achieve every goal you’ve set for yourself later this month, and this act of concerted focus will ripple out and have a similar effect on those you don’t even know. That guy you flicked off for cutting in front of you three weeks ago had the good sense to write down your plate number, and his goal, unfortunately, is to track you down and kick your ass good and proper.

LIBRA: You didn’t run out of gas last month; you only needed a pit stop. Refreshed and refueled, you head back out onto the track a full two laps before anyone else — at least until you have to take another pit stop to void your bladder of the 2-liter Colosso-Gulp of Dr. Pepper you foolishly chose to guzzle down at the first pit stop. Coming in last does suck, but boy did that feel good.

SCORPIO: You have a gift for sensing what people are thinking long before they act. Now if you only had the foresight to study jiu-jitsu years ago you’d be able to avoid the wickedly executed leg-sweep coming your way in about five seconds.

SAGITTARIUS: You know what’s good for you and what’s not. You just need to be reminded once in a while, and right now is “once in a while.” Running for exercise is good for you; running from your jilted, bat-wielding fiancée on a full stomach of Canadian whisky and a Super Sausage Philly Cheesesteak pizza is not. Stopping, dropping, curling yourself up into a ball and playing dead is probably your best bet at this juncture.

CAPRICORN: No matter how considerate you try to be, a renter will never care so much about his dwelling as the actual owner. However, your efforts to duct tape the hole you made in the roof have not gone unnoticed. It was a well-intentioned repair, but one that also requires at least three costly permits. Expect a visitor bearing $750 worth of fines and citations.

AQUARIUS: Sometimes you can’t see the positives of a poor situation until they’re actually manifested. I mean, who could have foreseen that those M-80s would have taken your hand off? And who would have thought that having a claw was actually pretty cool? You’ll get plenty of pity and attention from curious members of the opposite sex through October, but good luck eating blueberries.

PISCES: In the coming weeks you’ll get plenty of compliments you feel you don’t deserve. But are you being too modest? Very unlikely. Daring and ambitious you undoubtedly are, but sensitive? You? Weren’t the guy who muscled your rich aunt into financing your terrible new business? Sure, you tended to her every need and gave her the attention she’d long been lacking, but $50,000 to develop a line of hormone-free kitten cutlets? Back to the drawing board.

ARIES: You’ve given yourself a complete makeover and are ready for a fresh start. You’ve never felt so good about yourself, and, quite frankly, you’ve never looked lovelier. You only wonder why cross dressing hadn’t crossed your mind earlier.

TAURUS: Things always turn out better in fairy tales, don’t they? Well, certain fairy tales. You’d like to think that the end of July will find you kissing a frog who turns into a prince or stumbling across a pot of gold in the forest. Incredibly, you’ll be lured into a witch’s gingerbread house and thrust into an oven only to escape over a bridge from under which a hungry ogre will awaken and devour you.

GEMINI: The furthest thing from your mind this month is the possibility of failure. But don’t get your hopes up, sister. Is being known as the girl who won “Honorable Mention” in the wet t-shirt contest something worthy of celebration? Not in this case. A Bolivian transvestite came in first and your obese boyfriend took home both second and third place trophies, oddly enough.

CANCER: Don’t worry, be happy! Everything about your life right now seems terrible, but look a little closer and you’ll glimpse a distant light at the end of the tunnel. It all comes down to numbers this month: Buy a lottery ticket and pick numbers based on your monthly car payment, the balance you owe in child support, and the birthday of your favorite basketball player and you’ll win another lottery ticket you’ll lose on.

LEO: Try to think of yourself in your glowing youth: popular, charmingly handsome, and diligent in your work, because it will help you weather the icy reception you’ll receive at your upcoming high school reunion when you’re remembered as the weird-looking kid who got kicked out of detention for huffing glue from a paper bag.

VIRGO: Yes, we all know that you’re just as much of a red-blooded American patriot as the next guy, but try to refrain from burning Old Glory in front of the local VFW this July 4th. It’s unlikely anyone will come to your defense and even more unlikely that anyone will even bother to call 911 when the flames start licking the sleeves of the Rage Against the Machine concert t-shirt you paid $29.95 for.

LIBRA: If there’s one thing your friends can’t stand about you it’s your selfishness, untrustworthiness, boorishness, aggravating smugness, and shoddy appearance. So let’s make that five things your friends can’t stand about you — six, if you count your rotten teeth as a subset of your shoddy appearance. Seven, if you count your choice of attire. I’d better stop there.

SCORPIO: Every now and again a person comes along and makes a mark on us we won’t soon forget. Even rarer is when two make their mark at the exact same time. That’s two black eyes you’ve got now, champ; one from your devoted wife, and the other from your disgruntled Brazilian mistress.

SAGITTARIUS: Sad to say that things look awfully bleak for you this month. Put on your $300 Ray Bans and things look even bleaker. But at least you look cool, and isn’t that all that’s ever mattered to you anyway? Try my pair of BluBlockers on for size. You’ll look like an ass and things will still look bleak, but without the annoying glare.

CAPRICORN: You’ve got a lot to cross off your lengthy “to-do” list before begin to see any signs of progress. I recommend crumpling it up and starting from scratch. Start a new one, write “Stop making such lengthy ‘to-do’ lists” at the top, cross it out, crumple it up, and start a new one that says “Buy a waste paper basket.” Then work from there.

AQUARIUS: Potential lovers can tell a lot about you by scanning your impressive DVD library, a collection you’ve put years of thought into. “Out of Africa” and “The English Patient” paint you as a hopeless romantic when prominently displayed on your living room shelf. The stash under your bed, however, paints you in an entirely different light. “Swedish Slut Smorgasbord, Volume VII” never won any awards, and certainly won’t win you the affection of the cute dental hygienist from Stockholm you met at a convention last week.

PISCES: If happiness is so important to you, then why do you persist in associating with people whose only aim is to bring you down and tarnish your sense of self-worth? It’s a damn good question, and one I’d like to submit to your newest “BFF,” Dick Cheney.

ARIES: Efforts to curb your self-destructive addictions will come to naught next week when you realize that your life was much richer when you embraced them wholeheartedly. Closing down your Whiskey, Bacon, and Tobacco Emporium was a bad move. Especially with the economy the way it is now.

TAURUS: It takes two to tango, Bull, but as you learn later this month, it takes at least eight to dance the neighborhood wife-swap lambada. By mid-August you’ll have learned the three-man jitterbug in a concrete holding cell in Sharpes. Draw the blinds next time.

GEMINI: If I were your boss I’d have fired you months ago. Moreover, I’d make your dismissal sting even more by getting personal and pulling out the race card. Now get out of my office, you fat WASP!

CANCER: In the world of automobiles you’re most like an Alfa Romeo — sleek, classy, and prestigious. Other drivers often covet you as you speed down the road like a sexy, scarlet bullet. Right now though, you’re in the back lot behind the repair shop accruing storage fees until you can come up with the $2,000 it will take to replace your two rear tires.

LEO: No use crying over spilled milk, as they say, but your open-sluiced sobbing over the divorce you’re about to experience will be more than justified. In fact, it may even win you an Oscar in an alternate universe. Be sure to thank Beelzebub in your acceptance speech.

VIRGO: Look up at the stars. What do you see? A distant spattering of sparkling dust that shines down solely on you, or a vast, mind-boggling universe that dwarfs you into insignificance? I were you, I’d go with the latter over the former. Then I’d go and look up the difference between “latter” and “former” in some kind of book. Like the dictionary. Call me if you need any help after that.

LIBRA: Two of the most useful items in any well-stocked hardware store are the hammer and the screwdriver. They come in especially handy as I try hammering in the fact that you’re screwed, you tool.

SCORPIO: In Greek mythology, Zeus is the father of the gods — omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent. But if you think I’m going to compare you to him you’re sorely mistaken. These days you remind me of Todd, the frequently absent father of the lesser gods of Palm Bay — dumb as a box of rocks and impotent.

SAGITTARIUS: Has anyone told you lately that you’re loved and that you matter? Highly doubtful. Try picking up the phone every now and then. Your mother’s wondering where you are.

CAPRICORN: You have no problem throwing yourself into your work and putting your nose to the grindstone, but throwing yourself in front of a moving vehicle would probably make everyone much happier. The less said about your nose, the better.

AQUARIUS: In an ideal world, fans of classic comic strips would categorize you as Superman or Captain America. As it is, they’re more likely to point out your resemblance to Ziggy.

PISCES: Every now and then life gives you a gentle slap in the face to bring you back to reality. This month, expect a three-minute pummeling from a brass-knuckled fist when you suddenly realize that Sarah Palin has absolutely no idea what the hell she’s talking about.

ARIES: I’d be remiss in my capacity as a respected prognosticator if I failed to tell you to brace yourself for a big disappointment this month. But I also wouldn’t not be telling the truth if I didn’t also neglect to inform you that you haven’t been not unwarned of a big thing that you may or may not be not unhappy to hear as well. It’s still unclear what it is, but it’s not not unpositive, but neither is it particularly negative. I hope I haven’t made myself unclear.

TAURUS: Once upon a time and place people like you were put on pedestals and given medals for their impressive achievements. Distressingly, the time was 1940; the place, Nazi Germany. Try being a tad nicer, won’t you? We’d hate to see you hung for war crimes.

TAURUS: Things are looking up. That is to say people around you are looking up. See that up there? Doesn’t look like much now, but it is in fact an anvil plummeting toward you at an astonishing speed. Get out of the… Never mind.

GEMINI: When the chips are down, you’re sprawled on the floor drunkenly picking up greasy nacho shards at party no one invited you to.

CANCER: Your true nature will be revealed later this month when you foolishly reveal your true nature to a giggling gaggle of spring-breaking coeds after three too many boilermakers. Next time stick with your usual bran muffin and glass of grapefruit juice for breakfast.

LEO: It’s typical, isn’t it? You’re watching your favorite film with your date and just when it starts getting good, the power goes out. But instead of lighting some candles to make the best of the situation, here you are pacing around the room on your cell phone trying to get through to FPL to complain. Relax. “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” isn’t really worth it.

VIRGO: The Devil likes idle hands, but he likes busier ones even more. Please stop touching yourself in public.

LIBRA: The way things have been going lately, exotic travel might seem like an impossibility. But the laws of extradition work in mysterious ways, my good fellow. Think twice before buying a fake visa with a fake Visa. Bon voyage!

SCORPIO: With your future teetering on the edge of disaster, it would be in your best interests to immerse yourself in one of those giant bins of plastic, colored balls and stay there until December.

SAGITTARIUS: According to several studies, the aging process consists of several phases: denial, acceptance, frustration, annoyance, enraged refusal, pumping your boobs full of silicone, and then a brief spell of contentment followed by a prolonged period of tearful regret. After that, the denial kicks in again and you’ve come full circle. Try cuddling your old moth-eaten Cabbage Patch doll for comfort.

CAPRICORN: How do your closest friends describe you? Trust me, you don’t want to know. But I’ll give you a hint in the form of a spoonerism: “stack babbing.” That’ll teach you to go around describing all of your closest friends as “corthless wunts.”

AQUARIUS: On the 3-point scale of jerks, you fall somewhere between total bastard and annoying prick. And that’s number 2: totally annoying bastard prick.

PISCES: You’re an earth sign. You like to give the peace sign. As life passes you by, you never read between the lines. Don’t ever sign on the bottom line and get your shoes shined. It’s about time.

ARIES: Interestingly, despite my prior prophecy to the contrary, you’ve made good on many of the resolutions you gave yourself back in January. But in accordance with the implied tone of my prediction, all your valiant efforts will come to naught by month’s end when you read this, second guess yourself, and fall back into your miserable habits. Never underestimate the power of the stars. Or my power, for that matter.

TAURUS: You may be asking yourself questions like, “What is my purpose here?” and “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Well, you have no purpose here and bad people usually pay good money to have good things happen to them. There. Now quit cryin’ about it.

GEMINI: You tend to put yourself on a pedestal this time of year, thereby revealing your snobbish disdain for everyone else. My advice to you would be to set up your pedestal somewhere in the Persian Gulf.

CANCER: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you a fruit basket, you share with family and friends. How is it that when life gives you a good plate of pasta, you drink too much wine, undo your belt at the table, and flatulate yourself to sleep?

LEO: Feeling down? Moody and indifferent? Are you experiencing bouts of self loathing? Feeling unmotivated and unconfident? Is it hard to get out of bed and face the day? Do you visualize strangling people who talk incessantly about things that don’t matter and never will? Me too. I think it’s going around.

VIRGO: This feeling of insecurity that’s been hanging over your head stems from the the fact that you’ve never really satisfied a woman, you drive like an old lady, you were never any good at sports, and even though you’re in your mid-30s, your little sister could still take you in a fist fight. Wait, don’t cry. I didn’t mean it. I was just joking! You’re the man! Seriously.

LIBRA: You’re in a state of constant confusion and bewilderment as to what to do next, so you finally just say “Screw it!” and jump on a plane headed somewhere far away. But once you get there you realize you left the one thing that ever really made you happy: drinking at your favorite beach bar.

SCORPIO: Treat yourself to something nice this month. You don’t have to go overboard, just something small that will make you happy. Something small and useful. Like a dwarf with a great set of tools.

SAGITTARIUS: Nothing really changes for you this month. It’s going to be the same as last month. Except maybe throw in a little food poisoning and a case of the shingles. And your car might get repossessed. But that’s probably it. Everything else? The same.

CAPRICORN: A trip to the zoo with your husband will prove not only to be educational and enjoyable, but a priceless lesson for all those animals who realized that they don’t really have it that bad after all.

AQUARIUS: Bad decisions will play a key role in this month’s unfolding of loneliness and gloom. Keep this in mind when you opt to spend your time with the no-talent oaf you met at the bar instead of the handsome, athletic hunk who lives next door. You may want to lay off the piña coladas. They seem to be affecting your otherwise good judgment.

PISCES: You receive a little fame but no fortune when you’re entered in the history books as the worst beer pong player in the world.

ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches.

TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered a compliment, especially in the boxing ring. These days though, it’s seen as more of a detriment. Keep your fists up and quit trying to hug your adversaries all the time. It’s weird.

GEMINI: It’s three months into the New Year and you still haven’t made good on any of your resolutions. Lesser folks would shrug this failing off as nothing more than a minor misstep. But folks like you happen to adore smoking, drinking, and eating to excess. Go for it, you emphysemic, drunken fatty.

CANCER: God loves the person who rises above obstacles to become a purer soul. He hates, however, a smug bastard. I hear there are plenty of openings in the Church of Scientology for the likes of you.

LEO: If there’s a proverbial light at the end of every tunnel then you’re always the first to see it, lion. That figures though, what with you being in charge of the colonoscopy machine.

VIRGO: This St. Patrick’s Day I recommend staying inside and minding your own business. When you think about it, that shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how you’re doing a four-year stretch in the clink for your behavior during last year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities.

LIBRA: Travel is in the stars for you this year. Just imagine — the gothic grandeur of medieval Europe, the splendor of India, the majesty of the African plains! You manage to enjoy them all this month by tuning into the National Geographic Channel. God knows you salary at Domino’s would barely fill up your tank for a day trip to Winter Haven.

SCORPIO: Remember the good old days? No, I’m forgetting. Of course you don’t. You haven’t had a moderately good day since the honorable mention ribbon you won for your “All About the Rectum” report in your fourth grade science fair.

SAGITTARIUS: When the weather’s been as cold as it has this winter, it’s no surprise that you’ve had to resort to more creative measures to keep warm and toasty. Wearing a fishnet bodysuit under your workout gear, though, was bound to be poorly received in the YMCA changing room.

CAPRICORN: No one faults you for having a passionate hobby, but they might blanch a bit at your choice of collectibles. Your local library offers a venue for eccentric archivists like yourself, but there’s probably no place for your favorite “Hustler” clippings in their display case.

AQUARIUS: If I had $20 to spare, I’d bet it all on you finally finding a way out of your current rut. But I’d be doing that just be out of pity. Now if I had $1 million, I’d put the lot on you backsliding into your miserable funk. Then I’d be sitting pretty, wouldn’t I?

PISCES: I foresee a big party in your future. There will be many of your close friends and family in attendance. Everyone will laugh and have a great time and you will be spoken of very highly by all. I’m just letting you know because you won’t be able to hear anything from inside the casket.

ARIES: This would be a good time to warn you about the inevitable pains you’ll encounter this month, but I don’t want to be the one to ruin your Spring Break.

TAURUS: Travel seems to be the prominent focus of your immediate future. Pack lightly and bring some antibiotics and your insurance card.

GEMINI: When you get some good news this month it will be in the form of an unexpected government check. Unfortunately, the bad news will come in the form of a 6’3″ prostitute from Belize named “Hermilla” and a weeklong case of the runs.

CANCER: Things have taken a turn for the best at the workplace due to your ability to show the boss you have what it takes — big balls of brass and a glare that would make a Nazi cringe. I would only recommend not wearing too short of a skirt from now on.

LEO: When a lion is caged, it becomes angry and impatient because it desires the freedom to roam and hunt as it was born to do. But this month, when you’re caged for drunk and disorderly conduct, you cower in the corner and quietly weep, praying you don’t awaken your cellmate again. And that makes your new friend rather grumpy.

VIRGO: Too much fun in the sun can be a bad thing. Guzzling Jägermeister and playing volleyball takes a turn for the worse when you jump into the surf and promptly drown.

LIBRA: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful.

SCORPIO: To err is human. It’s even more human to lie and try acting like it never happened. Unfortunately, your error will show up when you get your test results back from your local free clinic.

SAGITTARIUS: With your future teetering on the edge of disaster, it would be in your best interests to immerse yourself in one of those giant bins of plastic, colored balls and stay there until May.

CAPRICORN: This month you will have a clear picture of the world around you and a stiff breeze in your face. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s due to your parachute failing to open. But don’t worry, the fall will not kill you. It will be the sudden stop at the end.

AQUARIUS As the moon enters your 7th house, it might be pertinent to ask yourself a question: Why do you have so many houses? Two or three, I can see. But seven? No wonder your property taxes are out of control.

PISCES This is the time to test your resolve on the resolutions you’ve set for yourself. Climbing Everest? Maybe not. Clawing your way up the mound of dirty socks in the hallway? More likely.

ARIES 2009 was quite a roller coaster for you, wasn’t it? Aside from puking on the poor housewife sitting next to you and losing all your change in the loop-de-loop, you got kicked out of the park for trying to get on again in an alcoholic stupor. Disney is for losers. The State Fair is more your style.

TAURUS Who’s in this year? Fat chance you’re getting on the list. Who’s out? You are, that’s who. You really should have hidden all those Liza Minnelli CDs before your poker buddies arrived.

GEMINI Things couldn’t be better for you in the workplace. You get to lie and deceive without being reprimanded, you can say anything you want without fear of reprisals, and each time you voice your uninformed, idiotic opinions they triple your salary. Welcome to “Fox & Friends.”

CANCER The New Year brings much in the way of surprises for you, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. But a child you fathered at a Delaware Rainbow Gathering back in 1989? Surprise! Another surprise is that his name is “Sir Prize.” That’ll show you hippies to be more responsible and to stop choosing wacky names for your offspring.

LEO People would love to castigate you for your choice in leisure pursuits. I’m sorry, did I say “castigate”? I meant “castrate.” I suggest moving to Bangkok as soon as you get your affairs in order.

VIRGO No one cared much for 2009, yourself included. The past year brought you nothing but tears and misery, which constituted itself in unpaid late fees left over from 2005. Get with the program.

LIBRA “My love is a like a red, red rose,” said the poet Robert Burns. Sublime, to say the least. But what do you say? “My love is like a white, white robe.” Get out of that silly Klan group before you get yourself into trouble.

SCORPIO This year looks good, emotionally speaking. Financially speaking, things look pretty grim. Curbing the amount you spend on anti-depressants and therapists might ease some of the pain in your checking account, but then you’ll be absolutely miserable. You choose.

SAGITTARIUS You need more discipline. You’ve been arriving drunk to Sunday mass. It’s simple: if you’ve been drinking, stay away from church. You’re upstaging the priest.

CAPRICORN You’re finally getting the respect you deserve, but this is only a glimpse of what’s to come. This time next year, you’ll be wearing that tattered “Corn Hole Champion” crown with a curious mixture of accomplishment and abject embarrassment.

AQUARIUS The cooler weather has definitely brought out the worst in you. I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but that embroidered American flag sweater needs to be burnt, pronto.

PISCES You wouldn’t mind if a certain relationship developed a bit more quickly, but pushing won’t help. Face it, your mother doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.

ARIES The years have taken their toll on you, that much is certain. It may have something to do with the 20 years you’ve spent collecting tolls without taking so much as a two-week vacation. Get out of that booth and live a little before it’s too late.

TAURUS It’s time to shift that “take no prisoners” attitude into high gear later this month. Which works out nice, seeing as how you’ve been kicked off the police force for extortion and racketeering.

GEMINI Put some faith in your mental abilities this month. If you can manage to polish up your social graces and limit your temper tantrums, you’ll have a good chance of returning safely to the dance floor.

CANCER Time for a big overhaul of your life, crab. Might be best to start small before moving upward directly. If you’re going to get anywhere, you may want to reconsider this whole punching-people-in-the-face-for-no-reason philosophy. Things can only get better.

LEO Have you been naughty or nice this year, Leo? It’s hard to tell. But the way you blur the line between the two, it’s no wonder you’re forbidden from dressing up like Santa in the State of Florida.

VIRGO When everything starts coming up roses for you later this month, you can bet that it’s all due to the huge amount of fertilizer you’ve been spreading around for the past year.

LIBRA Your life is like a big Hollywood blockbuster full of romance, action, mystery, suspense, hot sex, and uproarious comedy. So what’s the problem? You asked Jerry Lewis to direct.

SCORPIO You are one terrible judge of character, Scorp. You should have known that selling drugs to a man who calls himself “The Sheriff” would only end in heartache.

SAGITTARIUS The bad news? You are one boring bastard. The good news is that other boring bastards find you incredibly fascinating thanks to your exhaustive collection of “Buck Rogers” memorabilia.

CAPRICORN Which celebrity do you most resemble? That’s a good question. A damn good question. Let me think… Does the name Shecky Greene mean anything to you?

AQUARIUS It’s said that love is blind. It’s rarely said that love is shortsighted, and almost never said that love is myopic. Quit showing off your ophthalmology degree and there’s a chance you just might get laid.

PISCES Obsessiveness, contrary to popular opinion, has its benefits. The way you’ve organized the heap of unwashed undergarments in your bedroom into little sub-heaps according to degrees of soiledness could be seen as rather admirable.

ARIES People love underdogs like yourself, but they seem to love the dog who is comically mounting you from behind a whole lot more.

TAURUS God certainly has his favorites, gentle bull, and you’re one of them. Just be sure to follow his orders or he’ll smite you down with fists of searing brimstone and hellish flame.

GEMINI No one likes a jerk, Gemini. Especially jerks at the bank who are always escorting you out for coming in without pants.

CANCER People love your sense of humor and ebullient, outgoing personality. Who those people are, however, has yet to be determined.

LEO Misfortune follows you around like a puppy you rescued from certain death. Want things to improve? To earn your freedom, you must kill this puppy.

VIRGO Heaven knows how you’ve managed to get this far through life unscathed. Determined journalists know that it’s probably due to your father’s ties to the Mafia.

LIBRA It’s not a question of which tree best describes you, but which weed. Replace that Rogaine spray with some Roundup and you may find yourself making some headway.

Horrorscopes

Libra: You’ll have more than one admirer this month, and they might even compete with one another for your attention. At this crucial juncture, I suggest requesting a transfer to another cell.

Scorpio: If you consider that time is your most precious commodity, then those who want to waste it can be aggravating killjoys. Don’t listen to them! Take that “Pilates While You Drive” class and damn the torpedoes!

Sagittarius: You’ll be fascinated by people you don’t know and learn much from acting like a fly on the wall. Just be careful not to snicker too loudly at the conversations you overhear at “Lou’s Lounge” or you may end up being a fly on the windshield.

Capricorn: There’s something you can do to make your life more comfortable, and it has nothing to with your currently lousy housing situation. It does, however, have everything to do with getting those pesky hemorrhoids taken care of, pronto. Moving out of the dumpster can wait till later.

Aquarius: You’re still deciding if you want to get into a certain venture. The numbers look good, and the returns look too fantastic to be true. Better Google “Ponzi” though, just to make sure.

Pisces: You’ll be prompted to remember your past, and something painful about it might come to mind. That dusty old trophy you found up in the attic? I’d think twice about advertising having won 1st Place in a Liberace look-alike contest.

Aries: The object of your affection sees something very attractive in you. I’m willing to bet it’s all the squeaky toys you shower her with.

Taurus: You’ll meet someone who knows a great deal about a subject you are extremely interested in. Sadly, that person is the ATF officer who’ll be grilling you about your “chemistry experiments” in a few weeks time.

Gemini: You are not lacking in artistic imagination, that’s for certain. But it is unlikely anyone will cough up $300 for your latest seagull poop painting.

Cancer: You’re amazingly curious and will have access to a stock of information this month once you break down and finally become a member of bondagebabes.com.

Leo: You are feeling more sensitive than usual to your environment and the people around you. Don’t take on their pain or problems. Keep stressing that there’s only room enough for you in that life raft.

Virgo: Future events show you proving what you’re made of. A skilled lab technician goes one further by revealing that it amounts to about 50% piss, 30% vinegar, and 20% peppermint schnapps.

ARIES: Make a list this month of all the things you want to do before you die. If I were you, I’d make sure it includes stuff you can actually do by the end of the month, if you catch my drift.

TAURUS: Are you getting tired of answering everyone’s stupid questions regarding your gender? ‘Cause if you’re not, I have a few questions myself.

GEMINI: Only a ninja of the highest order could use his skills to go so completely unnoticed in life. Until you showed up.

CANCER: You may not be the jack-of-all-trades most women are looking for, but take solace in the fact that you are the jack-of-all-asses who still lives with his mother.

LEO: This month will be like a beautiful dance for you, Leo. And by “beautiful dance,” I mean “horrible train wreck.”

VIRGO: You go from high to low in a flash this month when your friends and peers hoist you high above their heads in praise only to learn of your fear of heights when you crap your pants and are thus immediately dropped back down to earth.

LIBRA: This is a time of rest and revitalization for both you and your loved one. While you’re resting, your neighbor will be revitalizing your loved one’s libido.

SCORPIO: Your finances are in shambles. Before things get completely out of control, you may want to consult an expert. This does not, however, translate into taking what money you have left and hiring a hooker.

SAGITTARIUS: Setting goals way out of your reach is a great way to throw out your back again.

CAPRICORN: Things could become hectic on the sea of love this month when the winds pick up out of the east, capsizing your boat and leaving you a delicious-looking snack for the rare, yet lovely giant squid.

AQUARIUS: You will be flying high this month when you finally get that raise at work. After a long night of celebrating with your co-workers, you’re packed into the business end of a catapult and flung ass-over-tit well up into the night sky.

PISCES: Behind every good man is an embarrassing catastrophe waiting to happen.

AQUARIUS: It’s clear your energy level has been running low since the beginning of the summer. Why not recharge your batteries? I think most “personal massagers” take two “D” batteries.

PISCES: There’s no denying you’re good at what you do. But that’s no reason to strut about like you’re the cock of the walk. Or the cock of anything, for that matter.

ARIES: There’s no turning back now. You must forge ahead. Keep your balance and move forward. Like riding a bike. Only this time pretend like the bike is your wife and not a hooker.

TAURUS: There are better things in life than what you’ve got going on. I don’t know exactly what it is your doing, but surely there have got to be better things out there.

GEMINI: This month, disaster could be averted with some quick thinking and a positive outlook. And those are just two of many things you do not possess.

CANCER: The economy is in the dump, your love life is a sham and your dog is constantly attempting escape. Things could be worse. And they will be. Way worse.

LEO: So that special someone you met the other night didn’t call. Big deal. If my calculations are correct, there’s a slim-to-none chance that that special someone wasn’t all that special to begin with.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to stock up on your hurricane supplies. Not because of any looming tropical disaster, but you will need plenty of food and water when you’re evicted from your home.

SCORPIO: You’ve tried everything. Shaving, waxing, lasers. Stay tenacious Scorpio, having a hairless cat is well worth the wait.

LIBRA: Finding fault with everything your partner is not going to change the fact that everything they do is wrong. Instead of finding fault, just tell them how stupid they are.

SAGITTARIUS: So you didn’t quite get yourself in the best shape for your summer swimsuit. What really matters is how hard you tried. This doesn’t mean you should try as hard to fit into it anyway though.

Aquarius: If you asked me to enlist someone to record the soundtrack for the movie of your life, I’d choose either Xavier Cugat or Henry Mancini. Unfortunately, both have long since passed, so it looks like I’ll be calling Boy George.

Pisces: Travel is what you need, fish. I know your budget is tight, but there are plenty of exotic locales that don’t cost a fortune. Darvocet isn’t a city in Romania, but it’s still a pretty nice destination.

Aries: Time to stop putting off all those changes you’ve been promising to make. Time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and get yourself back in shape. I know it’s a difficult task, but it will all seem doable after two calzones and twelve Peronis.

Taurus: Quit nitpicking about everyone else’s faults when yours are just as glaring, you sanctimonious jerk. Maybe taking up the cloth wasn’t the good idea it sounded like now that you’ve been caught with your hand in the church’s poor box.

Gemini: If life is getting you down, just think about all those alcoholics who waste their time sitting around in bars all day. I mean look at you — you haven’t touched a drop your entire life. And look how hopelessly boring you are.

Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDIO” and ending in “T”?

Leo: You’re a conservationist at heart. You recycle, you buy organic produce, and you ride your bicycle to work every day. But that’s not enough. You also need to save your breath. Stop bragging to everyone about how “green” you are and live a little why don’t you?

Virgo: You dressed yourself up, opened the door for her, held her hand, paid the bill, and drove her home. So why no hanky panky? What went wrong? Maybe taking her to Lucky Dragon Grand Buffet wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Scorpio: Feel like things are going your way finally? Don’t be so sure. I know of at least six people who’d say otherwise. One’s your priest and the other five all work in the Public Defender’s office.

Libra: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Like how does lighting always strike you whenever there’s a thunderstorm? And how did he come up with the idea of metal plates that those doctors inserted into your head?

Sagittarius: Wow! That was some night, wasn’t it? Everyone was going crazy — especially you! That was really great! You are one dancing fool! No, I mean you really are a dancing fool. You dance like a complete fool.

ARIES: This month the world will be your stage. Unfortunately, your stage is located on the set of the new reality show “America’s Biggest A-Hole” and you, my friend, are going to take top prize.

TAURUS: You can’t always find your answers in the stars. If you could, we’d all be running around adopting Malawian babies, getting our tummies tucked, and sleeping around with other rich famous people. Try referring to Wikipedia instead. It has far fewer side effects.

GEMINI: You’ve been eyeballing that certain someone for far too long. You’ve completely creeped them out and have ruined your chances of participating in any other kinds of balling with them.

CANCER: If you thought last month was rough, now would be a good time to grow a pair.

LEO: No one can blame you for wanting to have a good time during Spring Break, but most of the people who celebrate Spring Break have jobs, go to school and are usually 15 years younger than you.

VIRGO: You’ve given yourself a complete make-over and are ready for a fresh start. You only wonder why cross dressing hadn’t crossed your mind earlier.

LIBRA: This month you’ll find all sorts of new doors opening up for you. Just don’t go through the one with the Sham-Wow guy sitting on the other side.

SCORPIO: Hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20. But you may find that only pertains to people with eyes in the back of their head.

SAGITTARIUS: Somewhere down the line you made a wrong turn. Perhaps you went south when you should have gone north. You’ve got the feeling you’ve lost something. It was your sense of direction. It’s back at the Texaco Station just where you left it in 1984.

CAPRICORN: This month you’ll finally have the courage to come out of your shell, only to find that your shell was the only thing keeping you from being crushed to death.

AQUARIUS: It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. It also takes a big man to move a sofa bed all by himself. It’s takes an even bigger man to admit that moving it may have not been such a great idea after all.

PISCES: You’ve lied and cheated your way to the top. This would normally be frowned upon, but the top of the dung heap seems the perfect place for you.

AQUARIUS: If I had a nickel for every time you said something brilliant, water bearer, then I’d have about 17 cents. I threw in my own two cents to give you a leg up. Too bad it doesn’t help.

PISCES: You know what your problem is, fish? Absolutely nothing. You’re sitting pretty in the catbird seat on top of the world. Which is exactly why no one can stand your company for more than two minutes at a time. Shut up, will ya?

ARIES: Oh, ram. Your life is in dire need of improvement. Start by figuring out which gender you actually are and the rest should fall into place.

TAURUS: Boy are you a piece of work. Never in all my days as an astrologer have I come across such a sick individual. Take 43 aspirin and don’t bother to call me in the morning.

GEMINI: When life gives you lemons, you make a really terrible batch of lemonade. Seriously, it’s too acidic. And there’s seeds swimming around in there. Haven’t you ever heard of Country Time? Jeesh.

CANCER: You’re never satisfied, are you crab? Things could always be better at work, at home, at school, and in bed. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the penitentiary wall.

LEO: You’ve been down for quite some time, haven’t you? Everything looks bleak, dark and foreboding. What you need is a good dose of religion. Unfortunately, no one will accept you into their ranks but the Scientologists. I suggest renting “Battlefield Earth.”

VIRGO: The good news is that you’re due to inherit a crapload of currency. No, really — a crapload. Luckily, feces is still considered legal tender in certain areas of Burundi.

SCORPIO: As the sexiest sign in the Zodiac, you always dress to impress. Your taste in lingerie, however, leaves a lot to be desired. Instead of browsing the racks at Frederick’s of Hollywood, you’re ordering online from Ralph’s of Anaheim.

LIBRA: What’s the one thing that keeps you from attaining your goals? What is it that’s cramping your style? And why can’t those lousy scissors cut through your alcohol detection anklet?

SAGITTARIUS: Where did February go? What happened to all those plans you made? That to-do list is still hanging on your fridge and not one task has been crossed off. Why not start off small, like by changing your socks and burying all those dead cats piled up in the living room?