LEO: Try to think of yourself in your glowing youth: popular, charmingly handsome, and diligent in your work, because it will help you weather the icy reception you’ll receive at your upcoming high school reunion when you’re remembered as the weird-looking kid who got kicked out of detention for huffing glue from a paper bag.

VIRGO: Yes, we all know that you’re just as much of a red-blooded American patriot as the next guy, but try to refrain from burning Old Glory in front of the local VFW this July 4th. It’s unlikely anyone will come to your defense and even more unlikely that anyone will even bother to call 911 when the flames start licking the sleeves of the Rage Against the Machine concert t-shirt you paid $29.95 for.

LIBRA: If there’s one thing your friends can’t stand about you it’s your selfishness, untrustworthiness, boorishness, aggravating smugness, and shoddy appearance. So let’s make that five things your friends can’t stand about you — six, if you count your rotten teeth as a subset of your shoddy appearance. Seven, if you count your choice of attire. I’d better stop there.

SCORPIO: Every now and again a person comes along and makes a mark on us we won’t soon forget. Even rarer is when two make their mark at the exact same time. That’s two black eyes you’ve got now, champ; one from your devoted wife, and the other from your disgruntled Brazilian mistress.

SAGITTARIUS: Sad to say that things look awfully bleak for you this month. Put on your $300 Ray Bans and things look even bleaker. But at least you look cool, and isn’t that all that’s ever mattered to you anyway? Try my pair of BluBlockers on for size. You’ll look like an ass and things will still look bleak, but without the annoying glare.

CAPRICORN: You’ve got a lot to cross off your lengthy “to-do” list before begin to see any signs of progress. I recommend crumpling it up and starting from scratch. Start a new one, write “Stop making such lengthy ‘to-do’ lists” at the top, cross it out, crumple it up, and start a new one that says “Buy a waste paper basket.” Then work from there.

AQUARIUS: Potential lovers can tell a lot about you by scanning your impressive DVD library, a collection you’ve put years of thought into. “Out of Africa” and “The English Patient” paint you as a hopeless romantic when prominently displayed on your living room shelf. The stash under your bed, however, paints you in an entirely different light. “Swedish Slut Smorgasbord, Volume VII” never won any awards, and certainly won’t win you the affection of the cute dental hygienist from Stockholm you met at a convention last week.

PISCES: If happiness is so important to you, then why do you persist in associating with people whose only aim is to bring you down and tarnish your sense of self-worth? It’s a damn good question, and one I’d like to submit to your newest “BFF,” Dick Cheney.

ARIES: Efforts to curb your self-destructive addictions will come to naught next week when you realize that your life was much richer when you embraced them wholeheartedly. Closing down your Whiskey, Bacon, and Tobacco Emporium was a bad move. Especially with the economy the way it is now.

TAURUS: It takes two to tango, Bull, but as you learn later this month, it takes at least eight to dance the neighborhood wife-swap lambada. By mid-August you’ll have learned the three-man jitterbug in a concrete holding cell in Sharpes. Draw the blinds next time.

GEMINI: If I were your boss I’d have fired you months ago. Moreover, I’d make your dismissal sting even more by getting personal and pulling out the race card. Now get out of my office, you fat WASP!

CANCER: In the world of automobiles you’re most like an Alfa Romeo — sleek, classy, and prestigious. Other drivers often covet you as you speed down the road like a sexy, scarlet bullet. Right now though, you’re in the back lot behind the repair shop accruing storage fees until you can come up with the $2,000 it will take to replace your two rear tires.

LEO: No use crying over spilled milk, as they say, but your open-sluiced sobbing over the divorce you’re about to experience will be more than justified. In fact, it may even win you an Oscar in an alternate universe. Be sure to thank Beelzebub in your acceptance speech.

VIRGO: Look up at the stars. What do you see? A distant spattering of sparkling dust that shines down solely on you, or a vast, mind-boggling universe that dwarfs you into insignificance? I were you, I’d go with the latter over the former. Then I’d go and look up the difference between “latter” and “former” in some kind of book. Like the dictionary. Call me if you need any help after that.

LIBRA: Two of the most useful items in any well-stocked hardware store are the hammer and the screwdriver. They come in especially handy as I try hammering in the fact that you’re screwed, you tool.

SCORPIO: In Greek mythology, Zeus is the father of the gods — omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent. But if you think I’m going to compare you to him you’re sorely mistaken. These days you remind me of Todd, the frequently absent father of the lesser gods of Palm Bay — dumb as a box of rocks and impotent.

SAGITTARIUS: Has anyone told you lately that you’re loved and that you matter? Highly doubtful. Try picking up the phone every now and then. Your mother’s wondering where you are.

CAPRICORN: You have no problem throwing yourself into your work and putting your nose to the grindstone, but throwing yourself in front of a moving vehicle would probably make everyone much happier. The less said about your nose, the better.

AQUARIUS: In an ideal world, fans of classic comic strips would categorize you as Superman or Captain America. As it is, they’re more likely to point out your resemblance to Ziggy.

PISCES: Every now and then life gives you a gentle slap in the face to bring you back to reality. This month, expect a three-minute pummeling from a brass-knuckled fist when you suddenly realize that Sarah Palin has absolutely no idea what the hell she’s talking about.

ARIES: I’d be remiss in my capacity as a respected prognosticator if I failed to tell you to brace yourself for a big disappointment this month. But I also wouldn’t not be telling the truth if I didn’t also neglect to inform you that you haven’t been not unwarned of a big thing that you may or may not be not unhappy to hear as well. It’s still unclear what it is, but it’s not not unpositive, but neither is it particularly negative. I hope I haven’t made myself unclear.

TAURUS: Once upon a time and place people like you were put on pedestals and given medals for their impressive achievements. Distressingly, the time was 1940; the place, Nazi Germany. Try being a tad nicer, won’t you? We’d hate to see you hung for war crimes.

TAURUS: Things are looking up. That is to say people around you are looking up. See that up there? Doesn’t look like much now, but it is in fact an anvil plummeting toward you at an astonishing speed. Get out of the… Never mind.

GEMINI: When the chips are down, you’re sprawled on the floor drunkenly picking up greasy nacho shards at party no one invited you to.

CANCER: Your true nature will be revealed later this month when you foolishly reveal your true nature to a giggling gaggle of spring-breaking coeds after three too many boilermakers. Next time stick with your usual bran muffin and glass of grapefruit juice for breakfast.

LEO: It’s typical, isn’t it? You’re watching your favorite film with your date and just when it starts getting good, the power goes out. But instead of lighting some candles to make the best of the situation, here you are pacing around the room on your cell phone trying to get through to FPL to complain. Relax. “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” isn’t really worth it.

VIRGO: The Devil likes idle hands, but he likes busier ones even more. Please stop touching yourself in public.

LIBRA: The way things have been going lately, exotic travel might seem like an impossibility. But the laws of extradition work in mysterious ways, my good fellow. Think twice before buying a fake visa with a fake Visa. Bon voyage!

SCORPIO: With your future teetering on the edge of disaster, it would be in your best interests to immerse yourself in one of those giant bins of plastic, colored balls and stay there until December.

SAGITTARIUS: According to several studies, the aging process consists of several phases: denial, acceptance, frustration, annoyance, enraged refusal, pumping your boobs full of silicone, and then a brief spell of contentment followed by a prolonged period of tearful regret. After that, the denial kicks in again and you’ve come full circle. Try cuddling your old moth-eaten Cabbage Patch doll for comfort.

CAPRICORN: How do your closest friends describe you? Trust me, you don’t want to know. But I’ll give you a hint in the form of a spoonerism: “stack babbing.” That’ll teach you to go around describing all of your closest friends as “corthless wunts.”

AQUARIUS: On the 3-point scale of jerks, you fall somewhere between total bastard and annoying prick. And that’s number 2: totally annoying bastard prick.

PISCES: You’re an earth sign. You like to give the peace sign. As life passes you by, you never read between the lines. Don’t ever sign on the bottom line and get your shoes shined. It’s about time.

ARIES: Interestingly, despite my prior prophecy to the contrary, you’ve made good on many of the resolutions you gave yourself back in January. But in accordance with the implied tone of my prediction, all your valiant efforts will come to naught by month’s end when you read this, second guess yourself, and fall back into your miserable habits. Never underestimate the power of the stars. Or my power, for that matter.

TAURUS: You may be asking yourself questions like, “What is my purpose here?” and “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Well, you have no purpose here and bad people usually pay good money to have good things happen to them. There. Now quit cryin’ about it.

GEMINI: You tend to put yourself on a pedestal this time of year, thereby revealing your snobbish disdain for everyone else. My advice to you would be to set up your pedestal somewhere in the Persian Gulf.

CANCER: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you a fruit basket, you share with family and friends. How is it that when life gives you a good plate of pasta, you drink too much wine, undo your belt at the table, and flatulate yourself to sleep?

LEO: Feeling down? Moody and indifferent? Are you experiencing bouts of self loathing? Feeling unmotivated and unconfident? Is it hard to get out of bed and face the day? Do you visualize strangling people who talk incessantly about things that don’t matter and never will? Me too. I think it’s going around.

VIRGO: This feeling of insecurity that’s been hanging over your head stems from the the fact that you’ve never really satisfied a woman, you drive like an old lady, you were never any good at sports, and even though you’re in your mid-30s, your little sister could still take you in a fist fight. Wait, don’t cry. I didn’t mean it. I was just joking! You’re the man! Seriously.

LIBRA: You’re in a state of constant confusion and bewilderment as to what to do next, so you finally just say “Screw it!” and jump on a plane headed somewhere far away. But once you get there you realize you left the one thing that ever really made you happy: drinking at your favorite beach bar.

SCORPIO: Treat yourself to something nice this month. You don’t have to go overboard, just something small that will make you happy. Something small and useful. Like a dwarf with a great set of tools.

SAGITTARIUS: Nothing really changes for you this month. It’s going to be the same as last month. Except maybe throw in a little food poisoning and a case of the shingles. And your car might get repossessed. But that’s probably it. Everything else? The same.

CAPRICORN: A trip to the zoo with your husband will prove not only to be educational and enjoyable, but a priceless lesson for all those animals who realized that they don’t really have it that bad after all.

AQUARIUS: Bad decisions will play a key role in this month’s unfolding of loneliness and gloom. Keep this in mind when you opt to spend your time with the no-talent oaf you met at the bar instead of the handsome, athletic hunk who lives next door. You may want to lay off the piña coladas. They seem to be affecting your otherwise good judgment.

PISCES: You receive a little fame but no fortune when you’re entered in the history books as the worst beer pong player in the world.

ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches.

TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered a compliment, especially in the boxing ring. These days though, it’s seen as more of a detriment. Keep your fists up and quit trying to hug your adversaries all the time. It’s weird.

GEMINI: It’s three months into the New Year and you still haven’t made good on any of your resolutions. Lesser folks would shrug this failing off as nothing more than a minor misstep. But folks like you happen to adore smoking, drinking, and eating to excess. Go for it, you emphysemic, drunken fatty.

CANCER: God loves the person who rises above obstacles to become a purer soul. He hates, however, a smug bastard. I hear there are plenty of openings in the Church of Scientology for the likes of you.

LEO: If there’s a proverbial light at the end of every tunnel then you’re always the first to see it, lion. That figures though, what with you being in charge of the colonoscopy machine.

VIRGO: This St. Patrick’s Day I recommend staying inside and minding your own business. When you think about it, that shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how you’re doing a four-year stretch in the clink for your behavior during last year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities.

LIBRA: Travel is in the stars for you this year. Just imagine — the gothic grandeur of medieval Europe, the splendor of India, the majesty of the African plains! You manage to enjoy them all this month by tuning into the National Geographic Channel. God knows you salary at Domino’s would barely fill up your tank for a day trip to Winter Haven.

SCORPIO: Remember the good old days? No, I’m forgetting. Of course you don’t. You haven’t had a moderately good day since the honorable mention ribbon you won for your “All About the Rectum” report in your fourth grade science fair.

SAGITTARIUS: When the weather’s been as cold as it has this winter, it’s no surprise that you’ve had to resort to more creative measures to keep warm and toasty. Wearing a fishnet bodysuit under your workout gear, though, was bound to be poorly received in the YMCA changing room.

CAPRICORN: No one faults you for having a passionate hobby, but they might blanch a bit at your choice of collectibles. Your local library offers a venue for eccentric archivists like yourself, but there’s probably no place for your favorite “Hustler” clippings in their display case.

AQUARIUS: If I had $20 to spare, I’d bet it all on you finally finding a way out of your current rut. But I’d be doing that just be out of pity. Now if I had $1 million, I’d put the lot on you backsliding into your miserable funk. Then I’d be sitting pretty, wouldn’t I?

PISCES: I foresee a big party in your future. There will be many of your close friends and family in attendance. Everyone will laugh and have a great time and you will be spoken of very highly by all. I’m just letting you know because you won’t be able to hear anything from inside the casket.

ARIES: This would be a good time to warn you about the inevitable pains you’ll encounter this month, but I don’t want to be the one to ruin your Spring Break.

TAURUS: Travel seems to be the prominent focus of your immediate future. Pack lightly and bring some antibiotics and your insurance card.

GEMINI: When you get some good news this month it will be in the form of an unexpected government check. Unfortunately, the bad news will come in the form of a 6′3″ prostitute from Belize named “Hermilla” and a weeklong case of the runs.

CANCER: Things have taken a turn for the best at the workplace due to your ability to show the boss you have what it takes — big balls of brass and a glare that would make a Nazi cringe. I would only recommend not wearing too short of a skirt from now on.

LEO: When a lion is caged, it becomes angry and impatient because it desires the freedom to roam and hunt as it was born to do. But this month, when you’re caged for drunk and disorderly conduct, you cower in the corner and quietly weep, praying you don’t awaken your cellmate again. And that makes your new friend rather grumpy.

VIRGO: Too much fun in the sun can be a bad thing. Guzzling Jägermeister and playing volleyball takes a turn for the worse when you jump into the surf and promptly drown.

LIBRA: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful.

SCORPIO: To err is human. It’s even more human to lie and try acting like it never happened. Unfortunately, your error will show up when you get your test results back from your local free clinic.

SAGITTARIUS: With your future teetering on the edge of disaster, it would be in your best interests to immerse yourself in one of those giant bins of plastic, colored balls and stay there until May.

CAPRICORN: This month you will have a clear picture of the world around you and a stiff breeze in your face. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s due to your parachute failing to open. But don’t worry, the fall will not kill you. It will be the sudden stop at the end.

AQUARIUS As the moon enters your 7th house, it might be pertinent to ask yourself a question: Why do you have so many houses? Two or three, I can see. But seven? No wonder your property taxes are out of control.

PISCES This is the time to test your resolve on the resolutions you’ve set for yourself. Climbing Everest? Maybe not. Clawing your way up the mound of dirty socks in the hallway? More likely.

ARIES 2009 was quite a roller coaster for you, wasn’t it? Aside from puking on the poor housewife sitting next to you and losing all your change in the loop-de-loop, you got kicked out of the park for trying to get on again in an alcoholic stupor. Disney is for losers. The State Fair is more your style.

TAURUS Who’s in this year? Fat chance you’re getting on the list. Who’s out? You are, that’s who. You really should have hidden all those Liza Minnelli CDs before your poker buddies arrived.

GEMINI Things couldn’t be better for you in the workplace. You get to lie and deceive without being reprimanded, you can say anything you want without fear of reprisals, and each time you voice your uninformed, idiotic opinions they triple your salary. Welcome to “Fox & Friends.”

CANCER The New Year brings much in the way of surprises for you, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. But a child you fathered at a Delaware Rainbow Gathering back in 1989? Surprise! Another surprise is that his name is “Sir Prize.” That’ll show you hippies to be more responsible and to stop choosing wacky names for your offspring.

LEO People would love to castigate you for your choice in leisure pursuits. I’m sorry, did I say “castigate”? I meant “castrate.” I suggest moving to Bangkok as soon as you get your affairs in order.

VIRGO No one cared much for 2009, yourself included. The past year brought you nothing but tears and misery, which constituted itself in unpaid late fees left over from 2005. Get with the program.

LIBRA “My love is a like a red, red rose,” said the poet Robert Burns. Sublime, to say the least. But what do you say? “My love is like a white, white robe.” Get out of that silly Klan group before you get yourself into trouble.

SCORPIO This year looks good, emotionally speaking. Financially speaking, things look pretty grim. Curbing the amount you spend on anti-depressants and therapists might ease some of the pain in your checking account, but then you’ll be absolutely miserable. You choose.

SAGITTARIUS You need more discipline. You’ve been arriving drunk to Sunday mass. It’s simple: if you’ve been drinking, stay away from church. You’re upstaging the priest.

CAPRICORN You’re finally getting the respect you deserve, but this is only a glimpse of what’s to come. This time next year, you’ll be wearing that tattered “Corn Hole Champion” crown with a curious mixture of accomplishment and abject embarrassment.

AQUARIUS The cooler weather has definitely brought out the worst in you. I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but that embroidered American flag sweater needs to be burnt, pronto.

PISCES You wouldn’t mind if a certain relationship developed a bit more quickly, but pushing won’t help. Face it, your mother doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.

ARIES The years have taken their toll on you, that much is certain. It may have something to do with the 20 years you’ve spent collecting tolls without taking so much as a two-week vacation. Get out of that booth and live a little before it’s too late.

TAURUS It’s time to shift that “take no prisoners” attitude into high gear later this month. Which works out nice, seeing as how you’ve been kicked off the police force for extortion and racketeering.

GEMINI Put some faith in your mental abilities this month. If you can manage to polish up your social graces and limit your temper tantrums, you’ll have a good chance of returning safely to the dance floor.

CANCER Time for a big overhaul of your life, crab. Might be best to start small before moving upward directly. If you’re going to get anywhere, you may want to reconsider this whole punching-people-in-the-face-for-no-reason philosophy. Things can only get better.

LEO Have you been naughty or nice this year, Leo? It’s hard to tell. But the way you blur the line between the two, it’s no wonder you’re forbidden from dressing up like Santa in the State of Florida.

VIRGO When everything starts coming up roses for you later this month, you can bet that it’s all due to the huge amount of fertilizer you’ve been spreading around for the past year.

LIBRA Your life is like a big Hollywood blockbuster full of romance, action, mystery, suspense, hot sex, and uproarious comedy. So what’s the problem? You asked Jerry Lewis to direct.

SCORPIO You are one terrible judge of character, Scorp. You should have known that selling drugs to a man who calls himself “The Sheriff” would only end in heartache.

SAGITTARIUS The bad news? You are one boring bastard. The good news is that other boring bastards find you incredibly fascinating thanks to your exhaustive collection of “Buck Rogers” memorabilia.

CAPRICORN Which celebrity do you most resemble? That’s a good question. A damn good question. Let me think… Does the name Shecky Greene mean anything to you?

AQUARIUS It’s said that love is blind. It’s rarely said that love is shortsighted, and almost never said that love is myopic. Quit showing off your ophthalmology degree and there’s a chance you just might get laid.

PISCES Obsessiveness, contrary to popular opinion, has its benefits. The way you’ve organized the heap of unwashed undergarments in your bedroom into little sub-heaps according to degrees of soiledness could be seen as rather admirable.

ARIES People love underdogs like yourself, but they seem to love the dog who is comically mounting you from behind a whole lot more.

TAURUS God certainly has his favorites, gentle bull, and you’re one of them. Just be sure to follow his orders or he’ll smite you down with fists of searing brimstone and hellish flame.

GEMINI No one likes a jerk, Gemini. Especially jerks at the bank who are always escorting you out for coming in without pants.

CANCER People love your sense of humor and ebullient, outgoing personality. Who those people are, however, has yet to be determined.

LEO Misfortune follows you around like a puppy you rescued from certain death. Want things to improve? To earn your freedom, you must kill this puppy.

VIRGO Heaven knows how you’ve managed to get this far through life unscathed. Determined journalists know that it’s probably due to your father’s ties to the Mafia.

LIBRA It’s not a question of which tree best describes you, but which weed. Replace that Rogaine spray with some Roundup and you may find yourself making some headway.

Horrorscopes

Libra: You’ll have more than one admirer this month, and they might even compete with one another for your attention. At this crucial juncture, I suggest requesting a transfer to another cell.

Scorpio: If you consider that time is your most precious commodity, then those who want to waste it can be aggravating killjoys. Don’t listen to them! Take that “Pilates While You Drive” class and damn the torpedoes!

Sagittarius: You’ll be fascinated by people you don’t know and learn much from acting like a fly on the wall. Just be careful not to snicker too loudly at the conversations you overhear at “Lou’s Lounge” or you may end up being a fly on the windshield.

Capricorn: There’s something you can do to make your life more comfortable, and it has nothing to with your currently lousy housing situation. It does, however, have everything to do with getting those pesky hemorrhoids taken care of, pronto. Moving out of the dumpster can wait till later.

Aquarius: You’re still deciding if you want to get into a certain venture. The numbers look good, and the returns look too fantastic to be true. Better Google “Ponzi” though, just to make sure.

Pisces: You’ll be prompted to remember your past, and something painful about it might come to mind. That dusty old trophy you found up in the attic? I’d think twice about advertising having won 1st Place in a Liberace look-alike contest.

Aries: The object of your affection sees something very attractive in you. I’m willing to bet it’s all the squeaky toys you shower her with.

Taurus: You’ll meet someone who knows a great deal about a subject you are extremely interested in. Sadly, that person is the ATF officer who’ll be grilling you about your “chemistry experiments” in a few weeks time.

Gemini: You are not lacking in artistic imagination, that’s for certain. But it is unlikely anyone will cough up $300 for your latest seagull poop painting.

Cancer: You’re amazingly curious and will have access to a stock of information this month once you break down and finally become a member of bondagebabes.com.

Leo: You are feeling more sensitive than usual to your environment and the people around you. Don’t take on their pain or problems. Keep stressing that there’s only room enough for you in that life raft.

Virgo: Future events show you proving what you’re made of. A skilled lab technician goes one further by revealing that it amounts to about 50% piss, 30% vinegar, and 20% peppermint schnapps.

ARIES: Make a list this month of all the things you want to do before you die. If I were you, I’d make sure it includes stuff you can actually do by the end of the month, if you catch my drift.

TAURUS: Are you getting tired of answering everyone’s stupid questions regarding your gender? ‘Cause if you’re not, I have a few questions myself.

GEMINI: Only a ninja of the highest order could use his skills to go so completely unnoticed in life. Until you showed up.

CANCER: You may not be the jack-of-all-trades most women are looking for, but take solace in the fact that you are the jack-of-all-asses who still lives with his mother.

LEO: This month will be like a beautiful dance for you, Leo. And by “beautiful dance,” I mean “horrible train wreck.”

VIRGO: You go from high to low in a flash this month when your friends and peers hoist you high above their heads in praise only to learn of your fear of heights when you crap your pants and are thus immediately dropped back down to earth.

LIBRA: This is a time of rest and revitalization for both you and your loved one. While you’re resting, your neighbor will be revitalizing your loved one’s libido.

SCORPIO: Your finances are in shambles. Before things get completely out of control, you may want to consult an expert. This does not, however, translate into taking what money you have left and hiring a hooker.

SAGITTARIUS: Setting goals way out of your reach is a great way to throw out your back again.

CAPRICORN: Things could become hectic on the sea of love this month when the winds pick up out of the east, capsizing your boat and leaving you a delicious-looking snack for the rare, yet lovely giant squid.

AQUARIUS: You will be flying high this month when you finally get that raise at work. After a long night of celebrating with your co-workers, you’re packed into the business end of a catapult and flung ass-over-tit well up into the night sky.

PISCES: Behind every good man is an embarrassing catastrophe waiting to happen.

AQUARIUS: It’s clear your energy level has been running low since the beginning of the summer. Why not recharge your batteries? I think most “personal massagers” take two “D” batteries.

PISCES: There’s no denying you’re good at what you do. But that’s no reason to strut about like you’re the cock of the walk. Or the cock of anything, for that matter.

ARIES: There’s no turning back now. You must forge ahead. Keep your balance and move forward. Like riding a bike. Only this time pretend like the bike is your wife and not a hooker.

TAURUS: There are better things in life than what you’ve got going on. I don’t know exactly what it is your doing, but surely there have got to be better things out there.

GEMINI: This month, disaster could be averted with some quick thinking and a positive outlook. And those are just two of many things you do not possess.

CANCER: The economy is in the dump, your love life is a sham and your dog is constantly attempting escape. Things could be worse. And they will be. Way worse.

LEO: So that special someone you met the other night didn’t call. Big deal. If my calculations are correct, there’s a slim-to-none chance that that special someone wasn’t all that special to begin with.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to stock up on your hurricane supplies. Not because of any looming tropical disaster, but you will need plenty of food and water when you’re evicted from your home.

SCORPIO: You’ve tried everything. Shaving, waxing, lasers. Stay tenacious Scorpio, having a hairless cat is well worth the wait.

LIBRA: Finding fault with everything your partner is not going to change the fact that everything they do is wrong. Instead of finding fault, just tell them how stupid they are.

SAGITTARIUS: So you didn’t quite get yourself in the best shape for your summer swimsuit. What really matters is how hard you tried. This doesn’t mean you should try as hard to fit into it anyway though.

Aquarius: If you asked me to enlist someone to record the soundtrack for the movie of your life, I’d choose either Xavier Cugat or Henry Mancini. Unfortunately, both have long since passed, so it looks like I’ll be calling Boy George.

Pisces: Travel is what you need, fish. I know your budget is tight, but there are plenty of exotic locales that don’t cost a fortune. Darvocet isn’t a city in Romania, but it’s still a pretty nice destination.

Aries: Time to stop putting off all those changes you’ve been promising to make. Time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and get yourself back in shape. I know it’s a difficult task, but it will all seem doable after two calzones and twelve Peronis.

Taurus: Quit nitpicking about everyone else’s faults when yours are just as glaring, you sanctimonious jerk. Maybe taking up the cloth wasn’t the good idea it sounded like now that you’ve been caught with your hand in the church’s poor box.

Gemini: If life is getting you down, just think about all those alcoholics who waste their time sitting around in bars all day. I mean look at you — you haven’t touched a drop your entire life. And look how hopelessly boring you are.

Cancer: You’ve hit a dead end. You don’t know where to turn. You’re desperate. You’re ready to crack. What in the hell is a five-letter word for “Dolt” beginning with “IDIO” and ending in “T”?

Leo: You’re a conservationist at heart. You recycle, you buy organic produce, and you ride your bicycle to work every day. But that’s not enough. You also need to save your breath. Stop bragging to everyone about how “green” you are and live a little why don’t you?

Virgo: You dressed yourself up, opened the door for her, held her hand, paid the bill, and drove her home. So why no hanky panky? What went wrong? Maybe taking her to Lucky Dragon Grand Buffet wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Scorpio: Feel like things are going your way finally? Don’t be so sure. I know of at least six people who’d say otherwise. One’s your priest and the other five all work in the Public Defender’s office.

Libra: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Like how does lighting always strike you whenever there’s a thunderstorm? And how did he come up with the idea of metal plates that those doctors inserted into your head?

Sagittarius: Wow! That was some night, wasn’t it? Everyone was going crazy — especially you! That was really great! You are one dancing fool! No, I mean you really are a dancing fool. You dance like a complete fool.

ARIES: This month the world will be your stage. Unfortunately, your stage is located on the set of the new reality show “America’s Biggest A-Hole” and you, my friend, are going to take top prize.

TAURUS: You can’t always find your answers in the stars. If you could, we’d all be running around adopting Malawian babies, getting our tummies tucked, and sleeping around with other rich famous people. Try referring to Wikipedia instead. It has far fewer side effects.

GEMINI: You’ve been eyeballing that certain someone for far too long. You’ve completely creeped them out and have ruined your chances of participating in any other kinds of balling with them.

CANCER: If you thought last month was rough, now would be a good time to grow a pair.

LEO: No one can blame you for wanting to have a good time during Spring Break, but most of the people who celebrate Spring Break have jobs, go to school and are usually 15 years younger than you.

VIRGO: You’ve given yourself a complete make-over and are ready for a fresh start. You only wonder why cross dressing hadn’t crossed your mind earlier.

LIBRA: This month you’ll find all sorts of new doors opening up for you. Just don’t go through the one with the Sham-Wow guy sitting on the other side.

SCORPIO: Hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20. But you may find that only pertains to people with eyes in the back of their head.

SAGITTARIUS: Somewhere down the line you made a wrong turn. Perhaps you went south when you should have gone north. You’ve got the feeling you’ve lost something. It was your sense of direction. It’s back at the Texaco Station just where you left it in 1984.

CAPRICORN: This month you’ll finally have the courage to come out of your shell, only to find that your shell was the only thing keeping you from being crushed to death.

AQUARIUS: It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. It also takes a big man to move a sofa bed all by himself. It’s takes an even bigger man to admit that moving it may have not been such a great idea after all.

PISCES: You’ve lied and cheated your way to the top. This would normally be frowned upon, but the top of the dung heap seems the perfect place for you.

AQUARIUS: If I had a nickel for every time you said something brilliant, water bearer, then I’d have about 17 cents. I threw in my own two cents to give you a leg up. Too bad it doesn’t help.

PISCES: You know what your problem is, fish? Absolutely nothing. You’re sitting pretty in the catbird seat on top of the world. Which is exactly why no one can stand your company for more than two minutes at a time. Shut up, will ya?

ARIES: Oh, ram. Your life is in dire need of improvement. Start by figuring out which gender you actually are and the rest should fall into place.

TAURUS: Boy are you a piece of work. Never in all my days as an astrologer have I come across such a sick individual. Take 43 aspirin and don’t bother to call me in the morning.

GEMINI: When life gives you lemons, you make a really terrible batch of lemonade. Seriously, it’s too acidic. And there’s seeds swimming around in there. Haven’t you ever heard of Country Time? Jeesh.

CANCER: You’re never satisfied, are you crab? Things could always be better at work, at home, at school, and in bed. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the penitentiary wall.

LEO: You’ve been down for quite some time, haven’t you? Everything looks bleak, dark and foreboding. What you need is a good dose of religion. Unfortunately, no one will accept you into their ranks but the Scientologists. I suggest renting “Battlefield Earth.”

VIRGO: The good news is that you’re due to inherit a crapload of currency. No, really — a crapload. Luckily, feces is still considered legal tender in certain areas of Burundi.

SCORPIO: As the sexiest sign in the Zodiac, you always dress to impress. Your taste in lingerie, however, leaves a lot to be desired. Instead of browsing the racks at Frederick’s of Hollywood, you’re ordering online from Ralph’s of Anaheim.

LIBRA: What’s the one thing that keeps you from attaining your goals? What is it that’s cramping your style? And why can’t those lousy scissors cut through your alcohol detection anklet?

SAGITTARIUS: Where did February go? What happened to all those plans you made? That to-do list is still hanging on your fridge and not one task has been crossed off. Why not start off small, like by changing your socks and burying all those dead cats piled up in the living room?

CAPRICORN: Once again your lack of communication skills will send you diving headlong into a deep state of self-loathing. Knowing your drink order prior to the bartender’s arrival is essential this spring. Be considerate with your degree of drink difficulty and tip accordingly.

AQUARIUS: Keep your fake ID in a separate wallet than the one you carry for everyday use. This way, you don’t hand over the wrong license to the kindly officer protecting and serving the township or city in which you are currently incarcerated in.
PISCES: Imagination and creativity should only apply to you when you’re dressing up for a big night at home alone. Keep your avocado and cottage cheese peanut butter sandwiches on banana nut bread to yourself. Stay away from the kitchen and don’t touch the grill on Sunday!
ARIES: This month will bring you to a place you’ve never been before. If you’ve completed all the tasks properly, you could possibly find all your dreams and aspirations within reach. Be sure to bring the beer bong and the baby oil, but whatever you do, leave the iguana at home with the thong- wearing spider monkey.
TAURUS: Even though you lost an hour this month due to daylight savings and you might not be able to make that up on your paycheck, if you haven’t crapped out on your New Year resolutions yet, you have one less hour of commitment to yourself.
GEMINI: This is a beautiful month for you to take some advice and listen to what other people have to say about what they think you should do with your life and then do the opposite just to spite them because you’re far more experienced in everything than everyone else.
CANCER: When everything is coming up roses around a particular person with a large degree of consistency, you can usually bet that there is a huge ammount of fertilizer being layed out by this individual.
LEO: Set this month’s goals a tad lower than usual and you will be guaranteed more positive results. You should also try to refrain from being so hard on yourself. You of all people should know how lame you are, even with your over-exaggerated sense of self worth.
VIRGO: At this point, does it not seem useless to keep trying and failing? You will never get your VCR to record the crap you want it to and you probably still don’t know how to save phone numbers in your cell phone. Perhaps you should just move west a few cities and retire.
SCORPIO: Living life one setback at a time may seem proper for you during the winter, but come spring, when everything speeds back up and you’re still hovering over 3-for-5 dollar pizza boxes and bbq Cheetos, everyone else will be scoring dates with spray-on tans.
LIBRA: You will face many difficult problems while having to make responsible, thoughtful and critical decisions regarding your path to success. For some, sleeping your way to the top could be a choice; unfortunately, you’re old and unattractive.
SAGITTARIUS: You should have a fantastic amount of faith in your mental abilities this month. If you could balance your social graces and limit your temper tantrums, you might then return safely to the dance floor.

ARIES: Oh, what joys lie ahead for you in the New Year. Romance, intrigue, steamy sex with multiple partners, brain surgeries… no wait. That’s the next season of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Sorry.

TAURUS: Fortune will befall you this year, there is no doubt about that. Or will fortune fall on you. It’s a little foggy. Just to be safe, stay away from tall buildings and wear a hard hat.

GEMINI: 2009 will bring unexpected joy when a distant relative dies and leaves you a great fortune. The only downside is the hereditary gene you share that killed him at the age you are now.

CANCER: Things get a little topsy turvy at the beginning of the year, but eventually smooth out once you’re admitted to a mental health facility and receive a regular dose of heavy sedation.

LEO: Don’t get too concerned when you go broke, lose your significant other in a ugly divorce and break both legs in a freak bocce accident. Everything will be all better when a friend passes along her copy of “The Secret.”

VIRGO: Distraction will play an important role in your ability to make the best of what this year will bring you. And by distraction, I mean abusive relationships, hard drugs and an solid regimen of hard booze. They should all do the trick.

LIBRA: Your scales will be tipped and your balance will be thrown off when you decide to enter a pie eating contest on a high wire.

SCORPIO: No matter what happens, you’re a good person and you deserve the best in life. This is what you keep telling yourself all the way up to your sentence hearing.

SAGITTARIUS: You work hard to keep those abs taught and your your pecs popping. Fitness bells ring in this New year for you, but unfortunately in the bedroom you will only hear a little ding-a-ling.

CAPRICORN: This could be the year of you finally becoming that confident, independent person you’ve always striven to be. So come out of the closet and move out of your mother’s house.

AQUARIUS: The demons you wrestled with last year come back to haunt you and it looks like they’ve been training and may possibly be on steroids. They’re also wearing some pretty fruity outfits which will make your defeat that much worse.

PISCES: In an unexpected unfortunate event, you will suffer some serious burns in a kitchen fire while working the grill at your local Outback, leaving you brown on the outside but still a little pink in the middle.

ARIES: What do you get for Christmas, Ram? A good ramming in the gonads for what you did last Christmas, that’s what.

TAURUS: And what about you, you frisky Bull? What will you find in your stocking? I figure you’ll find out that it’s about $20 in quarters when your ex slaps you across the jaw with one for what you did with that Aries last Christmas.

GEMINI: What do the Twins get for the Holidays? Double of everything, as your silly sign warrants. Sure, you get to bang two sexy twins before December 25th, but they both happen to own a Waffle House franchise. Which means you’ll be enjoying a double bypass operation before the New Year rings in.

CANCER: And what about you, you crusty crab? What do you get for Christmas? A case of the crusty crabs, unfortunately.

LEO: ROAR! That’s what you courageous Lions growl on a regular basis. But come the 22nd, you’ll be whimpering “Mommy” when your Doctor finds a polyp in your REAR.

VIRGO: If ever there ever were a nubile, innocent Virgin in this world, she certainly never crossed your path, much less your zip code. I hope to God you get some leg warmers this Christmas — those ones that cover your entire legs up to your pelvic region and seal tightly with a padlock around your groin. That should do the trick.

LIBRA: How in the world do you balance sex appeal with fame? Well, take away your obvious lack of sex appeal, for one, and your pitiful unpopularity will begin making some semblance of sense.

SCORPIO: You’re the sex sign, right? Wrong. The only sex you manage to get is when your bank charges you your final overdraft fee for screwing up your balance. That’d be six, not sex. Six whole dollars. That’s minus six dollars. Not very sexy at all, if you ask me.

SAGITTARIUS: Lord knows what to do with you, Sag. This Christmas, I recommend burying yourself in Cancer’s lap and crying yourself to sleep. Just watch out for the crabs.

CAPRICORN: You know what gets the Goat’s goat? Three camouflaged guys under cover of night with some very strong wire cutters, that’s what. Your goat is gone, Goat. What are you gonna do about it? Not much, that’s for sure. You’ve always been a big wimp anyway.

AQUARIUS: Ah, the Water Bearer. One of the most complex and compelling of signs. What is it that makes you so appealing to people? What makes you so inscrutable, fascinating, and mysterious? Don’t ask me, I’m busy spending time with the other eleven members of the Zodiac complaining about how inscrutable, fascinating, and mysterious all the other idiots out there think you are.

PISCES: Now the Fish — that’s a sign to be proud of. A fish. A freaking smelly, slimy fish that tastes like fish. You’ve already legally changed your name to “Dylan” to make yourself sound more enticing, so why not try changing your sign to to something slightly more attractive than a freaking fish.

ARIES:  You’ve always been a patient person, but how long does it take for someone to wait for a freakin’ pizza delivery in this town? I mean, seriously.

TAURUS: Toward the end of this month you may be feeling bitter and impulsive. This will soon pass, but not without at least one day spent rollerblading angrily through your neighborhood while swearing loudly at children and birds.

GEMINI: When faced with adversity, you never go down without a fight. But yet somehow, you always wind up going down all the same.

CANCER: If you don’t tone down this air of overconfidence you’ve been parading all over town, you may end up being exposed as the simple bean farmer from Chile that you really are.

LEO: The stars are on your side this month, which normally would be a good thing, but Danny Bonaduce, Gary Coleman and Charro aren’t going to win you many points.

VIRGO: If you think drinking and smoking are your only vices, you may be disappointed when in mid-month you suddenly become obsessed with crystal meth and “Guitar Hero.”

LIBRA: It’s good to stand up for something you believe in. But if you’re going to do it, do it before next week when you will lose your legs due to a freak turkey bowling accident at your local bar.

SCORPIO: This year’s family Thanksgiving dinner will best be forgotten when while going around the table, revealing what you’re most thankful for, the only thing you can think of to say is “Boobies.”

SAGITTARIUS: As the holidays approach and you begin to think of gifts to give and gifts you’ll receive, your elation will turn quickly into horror when you realize you’ve been living in the sewer system and haven’t had any human contact in years.

CAPRICORN: Now that you’ve gotten out your vote, it’s time to turn your attention back the drama unfolding on MTV’s “The Hills.”

AQUARIUS: Being an Aquarius doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re so easily pegged as the biggest tool in town. It’s the way you dress and act after three beers that gives you away.

PISCES: You may feel a bit drowsy toward the end of the month and there’s a good chance to could lose your cell phone. Other than that, looks like smooth sailing, champ.

ARIES: Some scientists say that there’s an ideal mate for everyone somewhere out there. It’s just a matter of chemistry. Oh yeah? Well if they’re so smart, why haven’t they created a chemical that can successfully remove that useless nipple from the your neck?

TAURUS: After a terrible accident this month you’ll need surgery. But just as you’re about to be put under, the doctor tells you that you don’t really need surgery and that it wasn’t even you who was in the accident. I know, right? Freaky.

GEMINI: You’ve felt this feeling welling up from somewhere deep inside for a long time. This is a growing feeling that can’t be ignored. It all seems so exciting until you suddenly start spitting up blood and an alien creature exits your body through your chest.

CANCER: This Halloween it might be best to just rent a couple of  terrifying horror movies, take way too much LSD and just chill.

LEO: This month, your idea to dress up in costume and wait until dark to silently stalk children and women on the street on All Hallow’s Eve will prove to not only be incredibly creepy and weird, but fatal as well.

VIRGO:  You were called a slut last year for going home with the ‘donkey’ at last years costume ball but how were you supposed to know there’d be two men in there?

LIBRA: The pace of life has slowed some this month and with all your constant crying it will accelerate quickly into an uncontrollable disaster after it hydroplanes on all of your tears.

SCORPIO: Gambling hasn’t always been your thing, but it won’t hurt to buy a lottery ticket or two and start using two bullets instead of one while playing your nightly game of Russian Roulette.

SAGITTARIUS: Seems like things are always brighter on the other side of the fence. Or no, wait. The grass is greener on the bright side of the coin right? No, no. That’s not it. What’s that saying? Oh yeah. You’re really up a creek of raw sewage without a paddle and bound to get some kind of nasty infection.

CAPRICORN: Living beachside has some great benefits for a stressful life like yours. Try laying quietly on the warm sands and breathe easily as the waves gently lap at the shore. Only this time, try it without getting drunk and passing out in front of Coconuts.

AQUARIUS: It’s hard to break out of your daily routine and just get out and have some fun. However, you may find it easier in three to five years with good behavior.

PISCES: Enjoy yourself this Halloween. After all, it is the one day that you can scare the bejeezus out of women and children without the mask.

TAURUS: After spending the last few days of sanity you had left watching the Republican convention, you are now free to wander the country in Dockers with a latte in hand blaming the less fortunate for their lack of enthusiasm in the democratic process and their unwillingness to take the advice of the wealthy and prosperous to simply “go out and get a job.”

GEMINI: The slump in your sex life will continue this month, only it’ll be much slumpier and without any form of sexual contact with another human being.

CANCER: You’ve always thought you were long overdue for some good luck, and you are. Just not yet. Or anytime soon, either. Hang in there, champ.

LEO: You finally have things in order. Your bills are up to date, your laundry is done, you’ve been working out, and your better half is enjoying the best sex of their life. And in 20 short years when you’re let out of prison, everything will seem brand new!

VIRGO: You know, Virgos usually get a bad rap for being less-than-genuine self promoting morons because of people just like you.

LIBRA: Your wildest dreams of having a normal life are constantly crushed by your amazing ability to make the dumbest decisions ever made by someone who wants a normal life.

SCORPIO: You’ll have the desire to challenge your fears this month and look death in the eye. You will then suddenly have the desire to pee your pants and desire that you’d never come up with such a silly notion and just try and forget about the whole thing.

SAGITTARIUS: Grown men sometimes cry. So do grown women. And also little girls who don’t get their way. You will fall under the category of the latter when you’re refused entry into a popular nightclub for not being all that great looking.

CAPRICORN: The next time you’re out late gazing at the stars above and you see that falling star, make a wish. I would recommend making a wish that you weren’t standing in the spot where that giant fireball from space lands when it fails to break up in the Earth’s atmosphere.

AQUARIUS: At some point in everyone’s life, some sacrifices have to be made. But killing a goat in your apartment complex courtyard is starting to really freak out the neighbors.

PISCES: You’ve never quite understood what this crazy thing called life was really all about. This month, when you’re suddenly attacked by an angry mob and beaten into a coma, you won’t ever have to worry about that kind of stuff again.

TAURUS: Your life has had a plan since the beginning. Your fate is being controlled by your destiny. But fate is driving drunk and hasn’t changed the oil in your destiny in months.

GEMINI: Things haven’t always been this good. Look back and recall when times weren’t so nice and appreciate how things are now. It’s like you were a different person. Kiss it all goodbye this month when you realize the identity you’ve stolen is wanted for two counts of sexual misconduct at a petting zoo.

CANCER: Sometimes it feels as though life is quickly slipping through your fingers. It’s not just the crystal meth that makes time go by so fast, but it certainly helps.

LEO: How you’re able to deal with all the failures, setbacks and bad luck this month showers upon you is a damn miracle.

VIRGO: Stop worrying about hair loss and acne. Don’t bother going to the gym. Eat whatever you want. Go shopping and buy yourself something you’ve always wanted. Following this advice will guarantee you some last moments of happiness before you’re suddenly struck in the crotch by a giant meteor.

LIBRA: If it’s happiness you’re after, look no further. You’ve been blinded by stupidity.

SCORPIO: Look, I don’t have all the answers all the time. Do you know how much stress I have to deal with? I didn’t ask for this power to see into the future. How would you like it if I depended on you for planning my month?

SAGITTARIUS: Sex and money have never been problems for you until this month when you’re arrested for paying an undercover midget cop for funny business in the restroom of your local bank.

CAPRICORN: You were born alone, but you will not die alone. You will die with the rest of your fruit loop church group when you all decide to drink poisoned jello shots just in time to float up through God’s chimney and catch the holy trolley to your greatest disappointment in the sky.

AQUARIUS: Sometimes it seems as though no one is listening to you. You can talk until you’re blue in the face, but it never does any good. Unless you turn blue in the face because no one wanted to revive you.

PISCES: You will become a victim of crime this month. Don’t worry, it’s a crime of passion and it’s the most action you’ve had in months.

Taurus: Looking for a surefire way to lose weight, flubberface? Try cutting down on those ice cream burritos and Milky Way lasagnas. And cancel the order you placed for that new Rascal. Your mailbox isn’t as far away as it looks.

Gemini: Don’t worry, Gemini. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. They just dwell in very, very low depths. So low, in fact, that when you bring them up, they can’t adjust to the change in light and temperature and promptly die when you try to lift them up onto your rusty john boat. Maybe your bait is stale.

Cancer: Yes, in case you’re wondering, size does matter. But you knew that already, didn’t you, you jerk. I mean, you’re probably the only guy I know who’s decided to outfit his crappy, second-hand Mazda with a really wide muffler. That high-pitched buzzing sound you make when you accelerate past me at the stoplight is such a turn-on!

Leo: This next election — one of he most important of the century — will hinge solely on your vote. So who will it be, that peroxided, collagened, siliconed blonde in the string bikini, or the brunette with the big knockers wearing Brazilian dental floss? Have another rum runner and get involved!

Virgo: You take being green to another level, Virgo. Your rapacious jealousy gets you into many a tight corner with those thousands of old lovers you keep running into. Maybe you should stop recycling all those old lines and start a compost heap.

Libra: Wow, do you look like something! I mean, that tortured gaze! That impeccable posture! That sexy tilt of your head! When does the neck brace come off? And what the hell happened?

Scorpio: Sex appeal isn’t everything. In fact, it’s nothing as far as you’re concerned. Your taste in mates is on a par with a French sommelier with inoperable tongue cancer. If you need to know the difference between a St. Emilion ‘62 and a Colt 45, just ask the guy next to you with his head down on the bar.

Sagittarius: Who says money buys happiness? Well, I do, for one. Especially when happiness comes in the form of a roll of electrical tape, a jar of Vaseline, and a bootlegged copy of “Spring Break Dreams II: Wetter and Wilder.” That’ll be $24.95, you sad, sad fool.

Capricorn: Gas prices getting you down? Don’t fret. The way you consume Taco Bell’s frita suprema gordita chimichanga grandes, you could fuel a fleet of overloaded Escalades with your flatulence. Crack a window, for Pete’s sake.

Aquarius: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Your level of desperation, however, is so off the scale that a roomful of IBMs couldn’t calculate your loserhood. Things are looking up, though. This month will see you go from “groveling” to “bowing and scraping.” Well done.

Pisces: There’s something behind you, Pisces, and it ain’t your pudgy can. Yes, that’s right, it’s your past — and it’s catching up with you pretty quickly in the form of a 400-lb. Samoan mime named “Flippy.” That’ll teach you to chuck M80s at guys stuck in glass boxes.

Aries: Good news, lovable ram! Everything’s coming up roses! Looking into my crystal ball, I can see that everything’s just gonna get better from here on out. Love? Check. Money? Check. Fame? Check. Happiness? Double check. Yes, life is beautiful, and come the 15th you’ll be on top of the world! Unless your name happens to be Dave. Sorry, man.