Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SAGITTARIUS: Holidays sometimes conjure bad memories for you. So this year, forgo drinking a whole bottle of gin by the fireplace on Christmas eve waiting for “That fat, apple-cheeked bastard.” It’s scaring the children. CAPRICORN: A potential love interest will be drawn closer to you by the impressive bulge in your trousers at the Christmas office party, but will be quickly repulsed by your misunderstanding of the term “stocking stuffer.” AQUARIUS: The cold weather... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO: This Thanksgiving might bring back some bad memories for you. Simply shake them off and get down to the task at hand, which is actually cooking the bird instead of slicing it raw for “turkey sashimi,” as you’ve done in years past. SAGITTARIUS: You like to think of yourself as a Jack-of-all-trades, but behind your back, your family refers to you as “the jackass who can barely manage to screw in a light bulb.” CAPRICORN: Is the glass half full or half empty?... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
LIBRA: Instead of waiting for the muses to speak to you, summon them with your curiosity. Now if only you’d been more curious before, you’d be able to understand what Terpsichore, the ancient Greek muse of dance was telling you. Throw caution to the wind and just do “The Frug” — that’s probably what she meant. SCORPIO: There will be two paths to take this month: one is long and fraught with danger; the other is short and leads straight to catastrophe. If I were... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
VIRGO No one could accuse you of being unpatriotic. You fly the flag from your home, office, and car; you carry a copy of the Constitution in your back pocket; you give generously to several veterans’ charities, and you were among the first to order “Freedom Fries” before the trend took hold. But don’t you think your current habit of referring to bloodsucking insects as “churchsquitoes” is going a bit too far? LIBRA You resent being called a lazy, out-of-shape... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
LEO: The many who love you forgive you for your lapses in good judgment, which are just as numerous. Like, ‘member that time when you lost the family fortune in Reno? And oh yeah, that other time when you left the iron on before leaving for that month-long vacation? And last year when you filled your infant niece’s bottle with Pabst Blue Ribbon? And… On second thought, forgiveness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You just wish everyone would stop reminding you. VIRGO:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
CANCER: No matter how hard I try to sugarcoat it, your July prophecy will still have a bitter aftertaste. But not to worry; in keeping with your vaunted ingenuity, you’ve set aside several gallons of cut-rate vodka to neutralize the flavor until at least late February, 2011. Get back to me then. LEO: Try to think of yourself in your glowing youth: popular, charmingly handsome, and diligent in your work, because it will help you weather the icy reception you’ll receive at your upcoming... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
GEMINI: Hear that tuneful clink of coins cascading into the slot machine tray? Of course you do, because you’re always sitting next to the guy who hits the jackpot. That’s $71.50 you spent in nickels already. Quit while you’re ahead, hotshot. CANCER: In the world of automobiles you’re most like an Alfa Romeo — sleek, classy, and prestigious. Other drivers often covet you as you speed down the road like a sexy, scarlet bullet. Right now though, you’re in the back... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
Horrorscopes: May ’10 • Lance Stardancer • TAURUS: Things are looking up. That is to say people around you are looking up. See that up there? Doesn’t look like much now, but it is in fact an anvil plummeting toward you at an astonishing speed. Get out of the… Never mind. GEMINI: When the chips are down, you’re sprawled on the floor drunkenly picking up greasy nacho shards at party no one invited you to. CANCER: Your true nature will be revealed later this month when you... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
ARIES: You try and act as though nothing ever bothers you — and may very well not. Either way, your Tourette’s Syndrome will continue to ruin parties and any dates you manage to scrounge up. TAURUS: You may be asking yourself questions like, “What is my purpose here?” and “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Well, you have no purpose here and bad people usually pay good money to have good things happen to them. There. Now quit cryin’ about it. GEMINI:... [Read more...]
Lance Stardancer
Article Category: Horrorscopes
PISCES: All your friends hold you in high regard for your inventive cooking skills. Your lovers, however, find obvious fault with your infamous “Pepper Spray Chicken Cutlets” recipe. Loosen up, will you? Love is just around the corner. ARIES: People flock around you for your sunny disposition, but flee in droves from your frequent rainy periods. Your incontinence has ruined far too many of their couches. TAURUS: There was a time when being called “cocksure” was considered... [Read more...]
