Bra Wars Bra Wars
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

I picked up a magazine while waiting at the dentist the other day, and before the torturous hygienist beckoned me to her chamber, I learned something important. Did you know that fashions have gone completely bohemian hippy chick? The four-page spread I browsed could have been shot on Satellite Beach. Apparently, I’m lucky to live beachside because whether I might prefer shopping, clubbing, or strolling along the shoreline, a softly blowing, sea-sprayed environment makes the whole casual... [Read more...]

Morning Time Travel Morning Time Travel
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

Shhh! Don’t be alarmed, but I’m here to tell you that there is a secret society afoot in the Space Coast you should be aware of. Our members generally meet in the early mornings. Some arrive in spandex, sipping bottled water. Others, like me, sport baggy sweats and slug back nonfat mochas. All of us come in from the too-hot, or too-humid, or too-much-du jour that our weather can be around here and begin walking through the empty, echoing halls. Our reflections follow us, skipping silently... [Read more...]

Fair Is In The Eye Of The Holder Fair Is In The Eye Of The Holder
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

‘I made up my mind in a split second. I had to have you. Hold you.’ The other evening it dawned on me that I was way past due for my semi-annual house cleaning. I dragged out the vacuum and hosed and bagged enough sand to reverse erosion along the beach a mile in either direction, then I got down to my favorite part of the job. I took all my “junk” off the shelves, lined it up on the kitchen table, grabbed a glass of chardonnay, some rags, glass cleaner, and Goo-Gone,... [Read more...]

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Or: Help! Aliens want our Gold and Silver Jewelry! My husband was out of town for a couple of weeks recently and I decided to re-do our master bedroom and bath. You know, new bedding, towels, and a general re-arranging of furniture and junk. It gave me something creative to do while the guy was away, with the added benefit that he’d be tripping all over stuff for a few days on his return. I guess what they say about payback is true. Anyway, during my furniture-shoving,... [Read more...]

We Won’t Get Tools Again We Won’t Get Tools Again
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

We Won’t Get Tools Again Twenty-ish years ago after our youngest son was born, tallying our family up to its final five, we bought a minivan. Not only was it our first big vehicle, it was also our first brand new car. And the coolest thing about the huge grey beast was its cassette player. My husband has eclectic taste in music, but back then his eccentricities didn’t stretch to embrace children’s tunes. No Raffi, Barney, or Muppet covers of the Beach Boys would be played in our... [Read more...]

The Computer Wore MY Tennis Shoes The Computer Wore MY Tennis Shoes
By: Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

I was frightened. Terrified, actually. My husband said it was a fluke. “Judy, it’s just your wacky current.” “My what?” “You know, your personal electromagnetic vibes. It’s not like they’re strong enough to drop  planes from the sky…” “Or foul up a beach side cop’s radar gun…” “Right, but they’re obviously strong enough to mess with anything around here that runs on electricity. Aren’t you always telling me the microwave beeps at you mindlessly?... [Read more...]

The Big 5 – 0 The Big 5 – 0
By Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

When I turned in this month’s column to my editor, (Hey, T!), it was with some trepidation. I knew that a couple of weeks later, upon publication, one of my readers in particular would pick the Beachside Resident up off the stand, flip through to find my byline, read the title of the piece…and flip out. Then, because he wouldn’t have remembered to pocket his glasses before going out for the paper, he’d come on back home and the conversation would go something like this: “Honey, I picked... [Read more...]

Happy New You! I’ll just be the old me… Happy New You! I’ll just be the old me…
By Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

Around the first of December the gym near our place put this message up on their sign board: NEW YEAR NEW BODY NEW BODY NEW YEAR Well of course that makes sense. I’d bet a gazillion bucks that promising oneself a better workout ranks at the very top of most New Year’s resolution lists. I know it’s made mine a few times in the past. As a matter of fact, just a few days before the message went up in lights, a friend and I had decided to get ourselves into better shape. She didn’t want... [Read more...]

Have a Holly Jolly… or, All I  Want for Christmas Is My Tear Ducts Taped Have a Holly Jolly… or, All I Want for Christmas Is My Tear Ducts Taped
By Judy L. Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

When I was young, my sister and I used to spend an enormous amount of the Christmas season hiding behind the couch, with our hands clapped tightly over our eyes. No, this is not some sad tale of Holiday abuse. We were cowering away from the television and that mean one, you know, Mr. Grinch, or sometimes the Evil Heat Miser. And how about that Abominable Snowman? Yikes! Those Rankin and Bass guys really knew how to put fear in with the festive on the small screen. But for me, what was even... [Read more...]

Gobble-Nauts Gobble-Nauts
By Judy Forney
Article Category: Judy Forney

Blame it on the Pilgrims. They started the whole crazy thing, that push-me-pull-you conflict that we get caught up in this time of year. I’ll tell you what I’m talking about in a second, but first, here’s how I imagine it going down. One day in Southampton England, a large ship docks in the harbor. It’s a wine merchant’s craft named The Mayflower. There’s a huge banner hung above the gangplank that reads: “Chardonnay Tasting: 1:00.” Of course a bunch of like-minded... [Read more...]

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