Zero Love Briton Robert Dee, feeling humiliated at being called the “world’s worst tennis pro” by London’s Daily Telegraph (and other news organizations) sued the newspaper for libel last year. After taking testimony in February 2010, the judge tossed out the lawsuit in April, persuaded by Dee’s having lost 54 consecutive international tour matches (all in straight sets). Fearful of an opposite result, 30 other news organizations had already apologized to Dee for disparaging him, and some even paid him money in repentance, but the Telegraph had stood its ground (and was, of course, humble in victory, titling its story on the outcome, “‘World’s Worst’ Tennis Player Loses Again”).

Make That One Star According to an April lawsuit filed by an employee of the five-star Ritz-Carlton resort in Naples, FL, the hotel complied with a February request by a wealthy British traveler that, during their stay, his family not be served by “people of colour” or anyone who spoke with a “foreign accent.” The hotel has apologized to the employee, but denied that it had complied with the traveler’s request. (Lawyers for the employee told the Associated Press that nine witnesses and a copy of a computer entry prove their claim.)

Whistle Stop Betty Lou Lynn, 83, was mugged and had her wallet stolen in her new hometown of Mount Airy, NC, in April. Lynn is the actress who played Barney Fife’s best girl, Thelma Lou, in the “Andy Griffith” TV show and had lived in Los Angeles until she became alarmed at the city’s crime rate. She decided in 2007 to move to the quieter, peaceful Mount Airy, which was Griffith’s birthplace and the model for the TV town of Mayberry.

Magic Juice Donald Wolfe, 55, was charged with public drunkenness in March in Brookville, PA, after neighbors spotted him giving, as he described it, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a roadkill possum along Route 36. A 62-year-old man suffered second-degree burns after launching himself on a makeshift, rocket-powered sled in Independence Township, MI, in January. Witnesses said he put on a helmet, then strapped a contraption consisting of a motorcycle muffler, a pipe, gunpowder, match heads and gasoline on his back, and had someone light the wick to send him blasting through the snow. Also, last September, James Jones, 33, and a friend were issued disorderly conduct citations by police after witnesses reported that the pair, inebriated, had placed their genitals on a vegetables’ weighing scale in a supermarket in Edinburgh, Scotland. (They were acquitted in April 2010 when the only witness admitted that she only saw the men zipping up after claiming to have weighed themselves.) Lastly, warehouse workers at the Copenhagen, Denmark, brewery that makes Carlsberg beer went on strike last April after the company cut back on its allowance of providing up to three free beers per shift, which workers thought made their mundane jobs easier to take. As of April 1, only one beer per shift was provided, and only at lunch. (The previous “right” belonged also to delivery drivers, according to a Reuters report, but it was not clear how that right squared with drunk-driving laws.)

Vikings Gone Soft It’s clear, based on a May Time magazine dispatch, that Norway’s felons and miscreants are of a superior class than America’s. When Norway’s brand-new Halden prison opened in April, the country’s King Harald V headlined a glitzy gala that celebrated what has been called the world’s “most humane” lockup. Among the facilities: a sound studio, jogging trails, a guest house for inmates’ visitors, and a scrumptious-smelling “kitchen laboratory” where murderers and bandits can learn to cook. Guards are unarmed (half are women) and intermingle with the rapists, drug dealers and others, dining with them and joining them in intramural sports. The recidivist rate for Norwegian prisoners in general is only 20 percent (versus 50 percent to 60 percent in the United States), but it is still early to tell whether Halden’s prisoners will find life behind bars so pleasant that they don’t mind risking another stretch there by returning to crime.

Special Species Among the new species first reported this year are a “nose” leech, a “Dracula” fish, a “psychedelic” frogfish and a “bombardier” worm, according to scientists at the University of Arizona and medical school researchers in Lima, Peru. The Peru-based leech, which is fanged and probably has been around since the time of dinosaurs, prefers nasal mucus as a habitat. The “Dracula” fish of Myanmar, with “canine-like fangs,” has an extraordinarily flexible mouth. The multicolored frogfish has apparently adapted to live among the colorful, venomous coral off Bali, Indonesia. The “bombardier” worm, found in California’s Monterey Bay, releases glow-in-the-dark projectiles when threatened.

Just Say “Know” Jacob Collins, 28, was arrested in April and charged with burglary of Matlack’s Hometown Pharmacy in Landisville, NJ, despite the fact that the medicine he stole was probably by mistake. Police said they were almost certain Collins was after the painkiller “Oxycontin” but instead swiped a supply of “Oxybutynin,” which treats overactive bladder. On the other hand, Sean Almond, 43, was charged on the same day as Collins for allegedly robbing the Kangaroo Mart on Wilroy Road in Suffolk, VA, and could have used some Oxybutynin. Almond was caught immediately after the robbery because his getaway was delayed. He was spotted in a nearby alley, where he had been overcome by a sudden urge to relieve himself.

Le Jeu de la Mort A recent French documentary in the form of a TV show called “Game of Death” mimics the notorious 1950s human-torture experiments of Yale psychologist Stanley Milgram, who would coax test subjects to administer increasingly painful jolts of electricity to strangers to assess their obedience to an “authority figure,” even if contrary to their own moral codes. As in Milgram’s experiments, the Game of Death “victims” were actors, unharmed but paid to scream louder with each successive “shock.” According to a BBC News report, 82 percent of the game’s players were willing torturers, a higher percentage than Milgram found, but the TV show’s subjects had greater encouragement, cheered on by a raucous studio audience and a glamorous hostess.

Nailed Former baseball star Lenny “Nails” Dykstra recently started accepting clients for his investment advice service, charging $999 a year, according to a March Wall Street Journal report. His Web site discloses that while Dykstra is “NOT” (his emphasis) a “registered” financial adviser, his “proven track record has caught the attention of many.” (Dykstra filed for bankruptcy in July 2009 to stave off more than 20 lawsuits against him for entrepreneurial ventures gone bad, and in November, the bankruptcy judge denied him the right to reorganize his debts, converting his case to a chapter 7 liquidation.)

Planned Barrenhood Virginia state legislator Bob Marshall, speaking in February in opposition to state funding for Planned Parenthood, said the organization is partly responsible for the number of disabled children in America. According to the Old Testament, he said, being forced to bear a disabled child is punishment for the mother’s having earlier aborted her first-born. “(W)hen you abort the first-born … nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children.”

Boobquake In mid-April, senior Iranian cleric Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi issued a warning that recent earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and elsewhere were caused by women’s loose sex and immodest dress. Immediately, Jennifer McCreight responded on Facebook by urging women worldwide to dress provocatively on April 26 to create “boobquake” and test the cleric’s theory, and at least 90,000 women promised they would reveal serious cleavage on that date. On April 26, following a several-day drought of earthquakes, a Richter-scale-measuring 6.5 quake hit just south of Taiwan. (Slight advantage to the ayatollah, since a Purdue University seismologist observed that a 6.5 quake was not uncommon for that region.)

Only In Borneo Researchers from Royal Roads University in Canada reported last year that the large, carnivorous pitcher plants of Borneo prefer to eat insects and spiders, but where those are in short supply, as in the Philippines highlands, the pitchers have grown to a size accommodating an alternative source of the nitrogen they need. The pitchers have “learned” that if they produce copious amounts of nectar, it will attract the tiny-mouse-sized tree shrew to harvest it, and the shrews, trapped inside the plant, will leave droppings directly on the spot most advantageous for the pitcher to consume them. Said professor Charles Clarke, discovery of the arrangement “totally blew us away.”

Absolutely Fabulous! Blair Fowler, 16, delights her frenzied fans as a “haul queen,” inspirationally “shopping for glory” by smartly tearing through stores and then displaying and expertly describing her purchases on Internet videos. A March Times of London dispatch from Los Angeles noted Fowler’s acclaim “for her ability to deliver a high-pitched 10-minute lecture on the merits of skinny versus low-riding jeans, apparently without drawing breath.” According to The Times, at least 100,000 “haul” videos are available on YouTube, mostly from “amateurs.” Fowler’s videos, though, have been viewed 75 million times by “haul” wannabes (mostly teenage girls). Also, Swiss clockmaker Artya announced in March the creation of a wristwatch set in fossilized dinosaur feces (with a strap made with skin from an American cane toad). Designer Yvan Arpa told the Associated Press the watch would sell for about $12,000. And the spa Ten Thousand Waves near Santa Fe, NM, is only the latest U.S. facility to offer as a “signature” treatment the “Japanese Nightingale Facial,” supposedly used for centuries by Japanese geisha for skin rejuvenation. Nightingale droppings are dried and sanitized, then spiced with oils and used as a face scrubber.

Not Very Funny At All, Actually One of the world’s longest-running TV comedy shows (according to an April Reuters dispatch from South Korea) is the weekly North Korean production “It’s So Funny,” with its undynamic format of a man and a woman in military uniforms talking to each other (though they sometimes sing and dance). The latest episode “extolled the virtue of beans,” wrote the Reuters stringer, “while avoiding any flatulence humor.” “If we soldiers see beans, we become happy,” said the man, leading both hosts to laugh. According to Reuters, “The two talk about how bean-fed North Korean soldiers were able to fight off U.S. imperialist troops during the Korean War.”

Whither Bill Cosby? Delmer Doss, 19, and his girlfriend, Amber Burgess, 19, were arrested in Stanley, NC, in February on child abuse charges after police found a video made by the couple of their 11-month-old son. The toddler was blindfolded, and the parents were shown laughing at him, over and over, as he bumped into walls and fell down. And in March in Dallas, Krystal Gardner, 28, confronting a repo man driving off with her SUV, tossed her 1-year-old baby through an open window to stop the moving vehicle. (At that point, the repo man stopped and got out, but moments later, a teenager emerged from Gardner’s house and began firing a 12-gauge shotgun.

Knob Gathering In October 2003, West Point, KY, hosted 12,000 visitors for the weekend Knob Creek Gun Range Machine Gun Shoot, billed as the nation’s largest, with a separate competition for flame-throwers. Especially coveted is “The Line,” where 60 people (the waiting list is 10 years long to be admitted) get to fire their machine guns into a field of cars and boats, and during which a shooter might run through $10,000 in ammunition. Among the champions: Samantha Sawyer, 16, the top women’s submachine gunner for the previous four years. One man interviewed by the Louisville Courier-Journal said he met his future wife at a previous Shoot, impressed that “she could accept flame-throwing as a hobby.” Said another: “This is one of those times when you know (America) is the greatest place on Earth.”

Curd Your Enthusiasm It’s a simple recipe, said A-List New York City chef Daniel Angerer: a cheese derived from the breast milk of his wife, who is nursing the couple’s 3-month-old daughter. As a chef, he said, “you look out for something new and what you can do with it,” and what Angerer could do is make about two quarts of “flavor(ful)” cheese out of two gallons of mother’s milk. “(T)astes just like really sweet cow’s milk.” He posted the recipe, “My Spouse’s Mommy Milk Cheese,” on his blog and invited readers’ participation: “Our baby has plenty (of) back-up mother’s milk in the freezer, so whoever wants to try it is welcome to try it as long as supply lasts (please consider cheese aging time).”

High On The Hog Among the items that celebrity farmer Cathy Gieseker bought with proceeds from the $12 million Ponzi scheme she was sentenced in February for perpetrating (prosecutors called her the “Midwest Madoff”) was a $900 tanning bed for her “show” pigs. In other porcine news, Farmer Chang Chung-tou, of Yunlin County, Taiwan, drew praise from environmentalists in December for having “toilet”-trained almost all of his 20,000 pigs to use his 600 specially rigged plots that collect and separate urine and feces. Chang’s farm conserves water and facilitates recycling.

Smelly Urine? You’re In! The entertainment manager at Thorpe Park in Surrey, England, announced in February a contest seeking foul-smelling urine. The park has introduced a live action horror maze based on scenes from the “Saw” movie series and decided that it was missing a “signature stench” to “really push the boundaries” of disgustingness. Manager Laura Sinclair suggested that submissions’ pungency would be enhanced after consumption of such foods as garlic and asparagus and offered a prize of the equivalent of about $750 for the winning urine.

BNDOVR! Papua New Guinea retains many of its historical tribal conflicts, and one flared up in January, according to a dispatch by an Australian Broadcasting Corp. reporter. Two people were killed in skirmishes that were provoked in a quite contemporary way — when a member of one tribe sent a member of another a pornographic text message.

Molluscan Mucus Florida’s Agriculture Department, acting on a tip, confiscated Giant African snails believed to have been smuggled into the country by Charles Stewart of Hialeah, FL, for use in the religion Ifa Orisha, which encourages followers to drink the snails’ mucus for its supposed healing powers. Actually, said the department (joined in the investigation by two federal agencies), bacteria in the mucus causes frequent violent vomiting, among other symptoms. At press time, Stewart had not been charged with a crime.

Railroaded In January, Aretha Brown, 66, who has lived in the same house in Callahan, FL, (pop. 962) for 30 years, suddenly became unable to leave her yard unless she crawled between CSX railroad cars blocking her access to the road. Tracks had always been in place, but the railway only began storing train cars on them this year. CSX told The Florida Times-Union that it would soon build Brown an access road to the street.

Shang High A growing drug problem facing Shanghai, China, is stepped-up use of methamphetamine, cocaine and other drugs at all-night parties, but not the “rave” parties favored by young fast-lane types in the U.S. These Shanghai druggies, according to a February dispatch in London’s Guardian, are often middle-aged and retired people, who use the drugs to give them strength for all-night games of mahjong played at out-of-the-way parlors around the city.

Singular Events In February, a one-armed man swiped a single cufflink from the CJ Vinten shop in Leigh-on-Sea, England, and in March, a one-legged man swiped a single Nike trainer shoe from a store in Barnsley, England. The one-armed man is still loose, but the one-legged man was arrested.

Click. Clack. Click. Clickclack… Travis Neeley, 19, was arrested in Lake City, FL, in March for burglarizing a car, caught red-handed by the owner, who used the remote control to lock Neeley inside. Neeley tried several times to unlock a door and exit, but each time, the owner relocked it before Neeley could get out, and he finally gave up and waited for police.

Keystone Cops In March, on duty on opening day of the jail at the new Adair County judicial center in Columbia, KY, sheriff’s deputy Charles Wright accidentally locked himself in a cell and was fired after he tried to shoot open the lock. And a Collier County, FL sheriff’s deputy suffered a broken ankle when he and a colleague accidentally locked wheels while patrolling in Naples on their Segways.

Please Wash Your Hands A Toronto restaurant, Mildred’s Temple Kitchen, announced that its Valentine’s Day promotion this year would not just be a romantic dinner but would also include an invitation for couples to have sex in the restrooms. Toronto Public Health officials appeared unconcerned, as long as there was no sex in food-preparation areas and as long as the restrooms were clean. “Bodily fluids” were not a concern, said one unruffled health official, because after all, that’s what restrooms are for.

The Power Of Words When Donald Williams was publicly sworn in as a judge in Ulster County, NY, on January 2, offices were closed, and no one could find a Bible. Since holy books are not legally required, Williams took the oath with his hand on a dictionary. Also, Merriam Webster’s 10th edition dictionary is so influential that the Menifee Union School District in Southern California removed all copies from its elementary schools’ shelves in January in response to a parent’s complaint that the book contains a reference to “oral sex.”

Ruff Justice In December, British Columbia’s District of Sechelt Council approved a bylaw making it illegal for licensed dogs to chase squirrels, seagulls and other wild animals. The councillors added a defense of “provocation” but left it undefined, which might be especially problematic in instances in which the dog is the only witness to the alleged provocation.

Below The Bible Belt Pastor John Renken’s Xtreme Ministries of Memphis, TN, is one of a supposedly growing number of churches that use “mixed martial arts” events to recruit wayward young men to the Christian gospel. Typically, after leading his flock in solemn prayer to a loving God, Pastor Renken adjourns the session to the back room, where a New York Times reporter found him in February shouting encouragement to his violent parishioners: “Hard punches!” Renken yelled. “Finish the fight! To the head! To the head!” One participant told the Times that fight nights bring a greater masculinity to religion, which he said had, in recent years, gone soft.

Better Late Than Never Ten days after Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nearly brought down the Christmas Day airliner over Detroit, the State Department officially revoked his visa. And eight days after the Christmas Eve demolition of Minneapolis’ historic Fjelde House (as a fire hazard), the Minneapolis Heritage Preservation Commission awarded the site “interim protection” for its historic value.

Crappy Valentine’s Day! First, farmer Dick Kleis of Zwingle in eastern Iowa, composing a birthday note to his wife, arranged more than 60 tons of manure in a pasture to spell out “Happy Birthday, Love You” in shorthand. Then, for Valentine’s Day, farmer Bruce Andersland created a half-mile-wide, arrow-pierced heart from plowed manure at his farm near the town of Albert Lea, MN. “Now I’ve got my valentine!” shouted wife Beth, when she first viewed the aerial image.

They Don’t Make Cops Like They Used To Sheriff’s deputy John Franklin of San Luis Obispo, CA, filed a lawsuit in December against the Catholic Church and former priest Geronimo Cuevas for the “emotional trauma” he suffered by being propositioned for sex while working undercover in 2007. Deputy Franklin was patrolling a public park near Avila Beach when Father Cuevas reached out and touched Franklin’s clothed genital area. Cuevas was arrested and convicted, but Deputy Franklin said he is not yet over the feelings of “anger, rage, disgust and embarrassment.”

Names Of Note Arrested in January in Memphis, TN, and charged with having carnal knowledge of an underage girl: Mr. Knowledge Clark, 29. Arrested in January in Hellertown, PA, and charged with cashing a stolen check: Richard Fluck, 47, and Bryan Flok, 47. Arrested in Denver in February and charged with using another person’s driver’s license as identification: Mr. Robin J. Hood, 34. Arrested in Kingston, PA, in January and charged with cocaine trafficking: Carlos Laurel, 30, and Andre Hardy, 39. Arrested in February in DeFuniak Springs, FL, and charged with possession of crystal meth: Crystal Beth Williams, 21.

Short Back and Sides In August 1994, Sanford, FL judge Newman Brock picked up hair clippers and went to the local Seminole County Jail for his regular biweekly haircut from his longtime hairstylist, Rick Thrower, who was serving 45 days for DUI violations. Said Thrower, “(The judge is) a very loyal customer.”

The Bread Of Heaven Just after Christmas, the Anglican Church of St. Peter in Great Limber, England, unveiled artist Adam Sheldon’s 6-foot-high representation of the crucifixion consisting of 153 pieces of toast. Sheldon browned the bread himself, then painstakingly either scraped (to lighten) or torched (to darken) each piece to fashion the tableau.

Duff Puddings The recent Christmas bonus season was rough at the RF Brookes pizza-ingredient factory in Wigston, England. Workers received only gift containers of pudding (“plum duffs”) with a use-by date of March 2009, but accompanied by a letter from management assuring them that food technicians had certified the product as safe to eat in January 2010. (After numerous employee complaints, the company apologized and offered fresh plum duffs.)

We Prefer Mimes The French performance artist Orlan made News of the Weird in 1993 when she underwent surgery in a New York City art gallery as part of a multiple-surgery transformation of her face according to five icons of Renaissance and post-Renaissance beauty (at that time, implanting small horns to simulate the bumpy forehead of Mona Lisa). During a Chicago show in December 1998, Orlan raised money for further operations by selling posters and videos of her surgeries and digitally enhanced portraits of her face incorporating features that ancient Mayans had found attractive but which are ugly in this society (huge noses, crossed-eyes). She also sold souvenir tubes of her liposuctioned fat.

The Sparrows And The Bees A team of researchers led by a University of Connecticut professor, writing recently in the ornithology journal The Auk, declared the local saltmarsh sparrow to be America’s most promiscuous bird, in that 95 percent of the females hook up with more than one male during a mating season. The likelihood that any two chicks in a nest had the same father was only 23 percent, and in one-third of the nests, all chicks had different fathers. The researchers hypothesized that the frequent flooding of Connecticut’s marshes destroys so many nests that non-choosy females have gained evolutionary advantage. (A wren in Australia and a parrot in Madagascar are said to be comparably promiscuous.)

Pandaphants In Thailand, the endangered status of crocodiles and elephants is largely ignored by the public, who are instead enthralled with the giant pandas and their cub on loan from China. (There is even a 24-hour cable TV “panda channel.”) At several of the country’s zoos, officials now regularly paint their crocodiles and elephants in panda colors (with harmlessly washable paint) to call attention to their plight. Even though the paint must be reapplied daily, “It’s impossible not to do it now,” said one croc handler for a December Wall Street Journal dispatch. “People expect it.”

The Old Bearded Dragon Lizard Barter Ploy In Morehead, KY, in December, two men, ages 44 and 18, were charged with theft for allegedly swiping an 18-inch-long bearded dragon lizard from the Eagles Landing Pet Hospital and trying, in two beverage stores, to exchange it for liquor. In other dumb criminal news, Daniel Gable, 61, was arrested for breaking and entering a neighbor’s apartment in Fargo, ND, in December. He had triggered the resident’s “burglar alarm,” which consisted of the stack of empty beer cans the resident places just inside his front door every night. Lastly, lawyer Christopher Carroll was charged with misdemeanor battery in December for forcefully belly-bumping lawyer Jonathan Carbary during a courthouse hallway argument in St. Charles Township, IL. Carroll said it was an accident: “We’re both obese, middle-aged men.”

White People In Turmoil April Gaede, who four years ago guided her teenage daughters, Lynx and Lamb (performing as “Prussian Blue”), to a brief music career singing neo-Nazi songs, announced a new project recently on the white nationalist Web site Stormfront.org. She offers a no-fee matchmaking service to fertile Aryans, hoping to encourage marriage and baby-making — to help white people keep up with rapidly procreating minorities. Also, Don “Moose” Lewis announced plans in January for a 12-city pro basketball league composed only of white players (natural-born U.S. citizens, whose parents are both Caucasian). Lewis denied any “racism,” explaining to the Augusta Chronicle that whites simply like “fundamental” basketball and not “street ball” (“flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch”).

Port Of Gall Only four days after the January earthquake hit Port-au-Prince, two Royal Caribbean cruise ships made a port call at a private enclave about 60 miles up Haiti’s coastline from ground zero, turning loose hundreds of frolickers for “jet ski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks,” according to a report in London’s The Guardian. Haitian guards employed by the cruise line manned the resort’s 12-foot-high fences, but about a third of the passengers still declined to leave the ships, too upset by the unfolding disaster nearby to enjoy themselves. Royal Caribbean said it had made a large donation to the rescue effort and promised, also, to send proceeds from the port’s thriving craft stores.

Eating Crow Natives of the Erromango section of the Pacific island Vanuatu recently held a formal “conciliation” with the great-great-grandson of the British missionary whom the islanders’ ancestors ate when he came ashore in 1839. Charles Milner-Williams’ forebear, Rev. John Williams, was regarded as the most famous Christian missionary of the era. Vanuatan legislator Ralph Regenvanu told BBC News that cannibalism was traditionally a sacred warrior practice for “vanquishing a threat (and) absorbing the power of the enemy.” Nonetheless, he said, the island has long felt “guilt,” and even a “complex,” from killing and eating Rev. Williams. In penitence, Vanuatu symbolically gave the Williams family a 7-year-old girl, who will not be eaten but whose education Milner-Williams promised to underwrite.

Simple As That! Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri State University told the Associated Press in August 1992 that he had developed a technique for improving memory and told the reporter how he could facilitate the recall, say, that a particular painting was done by Degas in 1865. First, think of an object that sounds like “Degas” (day-GAH), for example, “dagger,” and then memorize the last two digits of the year by learning the sentence “Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pine saplings,” in which the first word begins with a T and stands for “1,” the second, N, stands for “2,” and so on. Thus, 1865 becomes “65,” which becomes “just” “low,” which could translate to J-L, which could be “jelly,” which would produce a “jelly dagger,” to which the subject tries to find a resemblance, somewhere, in the Degas painting.

Um, Not Quite… Being the first licensed male prostitute in Nevada (and thus the U.S.), explained “Markus” in a January interview for Details magazine, is to him “a civil rights thing.” “It’s just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front (of the bus) instead of the back.”

Where There’s Smoke… In November, a Chicago judge ruled that former firefighter Jeffrey Boyle is entitled to his $50,000 annual pension even though he had pleaded guilty in 2006 to eight counts of arson (and allegedly confessed to 12 more). Boyle is known locally as “Matches” Boyle to distinguish him from his brother, John “Quarters” Boyle, who is now in federal prison for bribery following the theft of millions of dollars in state toll-gate coins. Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. concluded that Matches’ arsons were wholly separate from his firefighting.

Cheesy Idea The Wisconsin legislature is considering a bill to designate a “state bacterium” (the Lactococcus lactis, which is crucial to turning milk into the state’s famous cheese). If approved, the bacterium would join two dozen other state symbols (according to the Wisconsin Blue Book): coat of arms, seal, motto, flag, song, flower, bird, tree, fish, state animal, wildlife animal, domestic animal, mineral, rock, symbol of peace, insect, soil, fossil, dog, beverage, grain, dance, ballad, waltz, fruit and tartan.
We Could Have Saved Him The Trouble… Ragnar Bengtsson, 26, the male Swedish student who vowed in September to pump milk from his nipples every three hours for 90 days, drop by drop, to show that it could be done, quit in November, concluding that it can’t. Said a TV producer following Bengtsson around, “All he got was sore breasts.”

High Art The huge, $27 million statue (“African Renaissance”) being built in Dakar, Senegal, was conceived to boost tourism and be a point of African pride, acting as a magnet for visitors and museum-goers. Problems have arisen (the statue was built by North Korean labor, has no distinct African theme, and features a female who reveals perhaps too much thigh). However, according to a November BBC News dispatch, Senegal’s president Abdoulaye Wade remains optimistic and has declared that, though the concept was his idea, he personally will magnanimously take only 35 percent of the revenue streams generated from visitors.

Hare In The Air The town of Waiau, New Zealand, had once again planned an annual rabbit-carcass-tossing contest, to a chorus of complaints from animal rights activists concerned that children not associate dead animals with fun. (In New Zealand, rabbits are crop-destroying pests, doing an estimated NZ$22 million (US$16 million) damage annually, but nonetheless, the town canceled the contest.)

How Do I Love Thee? “Bonnet books” are a “booming new subcategory of the romance genre,” reported The Wall Street Journal in September, describing “G-rated” Amish love stories that sell well among outside readers but have found an even more avid audience among Amish women themselves. The typical bestseller is by a non-Amish writer, perhaps involving a woman inside the community who falls in love with an outsider. In one book described by the Journal, the lovers “actually kiss a couple of times in 326 pages.”

A Question Of Taste For its Halloween gala, the Kings Island amusement park near Cincinnati had set up an exhibit featuring skeletons dressed to resemble, among other deceased celebrities, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, Ed McMahon, TV salesman Billy Mays, Sonny Bono (his skeleton in front of a tree) and Ted Williams (his skeleton in front of a freezer). Alongside was a marker board labeled “agenda,” with those names crossed off but others still listed, including Bernard Madoff and the comedian Carrot Top. (Following a WLWT-TV preview of the exhibit in September, the park quickly canceled it, with a spokesman declaring, “We were not intending to be distasteful.”)

Honey Baked Bastards In April, Richard Huether, the manager of the HoneyBaked Ham outlet in Cary, NC, was shot in the stomach during a robbery of the store and hospitalized, with medical bills paid through worker compensation and his employee health benefits. In September, when his worker compensation expired (and though still at least three months away from returning to work), HoneyBaked fired him (forcing him to begin paying 100 percent of his insurance premiums and making subsequent insurance prohibitively expensive because of his new “pre-existing condition”). However, HoneyBaked human resources executive Maggie DeCan told WRAL-TV that the firing was for Huether’s own good, in that it would clear the way for him to receive Social Security disability payments. Said DeCan, “We couldn’t feel any worse for Rich, and we would do anything we could for him (except keep him on the payroll).”

Hey, Baby… In Ogden, Utah, in October, Adam Manning, 30, accompanied his pregnant girlfriend to the McKay-Dee Hospital emergency room as she was going into labor. According to witnesses, as a nurse attended to the woman, Manning began flirting with her, complimenting the nurse’s looks and giving her neck rubs. When Manning then allegedly groped the nurse’s breast, she called for security, and Manning was eventually arrested and taken to jail, thus missing the birth of his child.

All Aboard! Thousands of airline passengers continue to attempt to bring prohibited carry-on items on board. The New York Post reported in September that the Transportation Security Administration had confiscated 123,000 items so far this year from just the three main airports serving New York City. Included were 43 explosives, 1,600 knives, a 10-point deer antler, several fire extinguishers, a tree branch, nunchucks, a grill, a baby alligator, “unwashed adult toys,” a gassed-up chain saw and a kitchen sink.

Nessie’s Balls In November, researchers roaming the depths of Scotland’s Loch Ness in a submarine, looking for the legendary monster, reported finding mainly “hundreds of thousands” of golf balls at the bottom, from popular use of the lake as a driving range. A recent Danish Golf Association report lamented the slow decomposition of golf balls (taking 100 to 1,000 years), and one UK legislator has called golf balls “humanity’s signature litter.”

Say No To B.O. In August, the Thorpe Park amusement facility in Chertsey, England, posted signs on its roller coaster admonishing riders not to wave their arms during the ride. According to director Mike Vallis: “We’ve found that when the temperature tops 77 degrees (F), the level of unpleasant (underarm) smells can become unacceptable, and we do receive complaints.”

‘Artless Bastards New Zealand’s Waikato National Contemporary Art Award in September (worth the equivalent of $11,000) went to Dane Mitchell, whose entry consisted merely of discarded packaging materials from all the other exhibits vying for the prize. Mitchell called his pile “Collateral.” (Announcement of the winner was poorly received by the other contestants.) And at a Christie’s auction in September in New York City, London artist Gavin Turk’s empty, nondescript cardboard box (the size of an ordinary moving-company box) sold for $16,000. (Actually, it was a sculpture designed to look exactly like an empty, nondescript cardboard box.)

Mess With Texas In the tiny east Texas town of Tenaha, police allegedly extorted traveling motorists by subjecting them to bogus traffic stops, perhaps finding small amounts of drugs, and then offering to forgo prosecution if the motorists would forfeit their cars and other property. The forfeited items were then sold to fund a special police recreation account. Last year, the ACLU of Texas filed a federal civil rights lawsuit against both the police and local prosecutor Lynda Russell, and in September 2009, Russell asked the state attorney general if she could pay her legal expenses from the alleged extorted recreation account.

Caught At Their Own Game A nine-hour, 16-officer search of the home of alleged drug kingpin Michael Difalco, near Lakeland, FL, in March, apparently was not exciting enough. Surveillance video (from Difalco’s security system) released by police in September showed that the easily distracted officers also took time out to play spirited frames of bowling on Difalco’s Wii game. Since the detectives were unaware of the camera, they uninhibitedly pumped their fists and shouted gleefully with every strike. Police supervisors acknowledged the unprofessional behavior but said the search nonetheless was productive.

I’ll Have What Darwin’s Having During a three-week period in September and October, three couples in the Darwin, Australia, area aroused police attention for having uninhibited sex in public. On September 13, a 29-year-old man and a 23-year-old woman were fully engaged in their vehicle (stolen, said police) at a gas station in full view of passers-by. They persisted, ignoring a police officer’s order to stop. Two weeks later, an intoxicated couple taken into custody by police were seen having sex by the motorist following directly behind the police paddy wagon. On October 6, 25 miles south of Darwin, a 33-year-old man was charged with reckless driving after he crashed his car into a concrete drain while having sex with a 34-year-old woman in the front seat. (The woman later denied the charge, in earthy language, to a reporter from the Northern Territory News.)

Speaking Of Darwin… Among the species discovered recently in Papua New Guinea were tiny bear-like creatures, frogs with fangs, fish that grunt, kangaroos that live in trees, and what is probably the world’s largest rat (with no fear of humans). Scientists from Britain, the United States and Papua New Guinea announced the findings in September, among more than 40 new species from a jungle habitat a half-mile deep inside the centuries-dormant Mount Bosavi volcano crater.

Sean Hannity Doesn’t Want You To Read This: The births of two chicks on the same day at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo in April was unusual enough but especially noteworthy because of the birds’ lineage. Their fathers were a gay vulture couple about 10 years ago, according to a report in the Israeli daily Haaretz, and zoo caretakers provided them an artificial egg to “incubate” until they could replace the egg with a just-hatched vulture, as if the male-male couple had birthed it. In “an insane coincidence,” said a zoo official, the two males eventually separated and paired with females, and those females hatched eggs on the same day last April. Two weeks ago, according to Haaretz, the two chicks achieved independence on the same day and were moved to the zoo’s aviary.

Plastic People Mattel is accepting pre-orders for the April 2010 release of the newest doll in the Barbie/Ken line, the spiffily dressed Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken (apparently to be showcased with a much younger, trophy-type Barbie). Even more troubling (but so far only a prototype) is Alex Green’s “Placenta Teddy Bear,” exhibited in London in September and Newcastle, England, in October at the “(re)design” showcase of “sustainable toys” with children’s themes. After the placenta is cured and dried, it is treated with an emulsifier to render it pliable and cut into strips with which to stitch Teddy together, thus “unify(ing)” mother and baby.

Unfortunate Alibis Police in Deer Lake, Newfoundland, decided in August not to press charges against three boys whom they had previously believed had harassed a young moose so badly that it had to be put down. A final piece of evidence against prosecution came from the father of one of the boys, who vouched that the three could not have committed such a crime since they had been busy at the time, vandalizing a nearby church. Also, a 60-year-old highway worker was injured when struck by motorist Catherine Stotts, 62, who was speeding down a blocked-off road construction lane near Willits, CA, in July. The worker required hospitalization, but Stotts complained about receiving a traffic citation, telling officers that the man could have jumped out of the way faster. Lastly, Alexander Kabelis, 31, was arrested for slashing tires on almost 50 vehicles in Boulder, CO, in May, but offered several explanations, including being overwhelmed by radiation from the nearby Rocky Flats nuclear facility and having been forced by his mother to wear braces on his teeth as a child.

Calling Mr. Zimmern! An August 2000 Wall Street Journal dispatch from Nuoro, Sardinia (Italy), described locals’ love for “casu marzu” (rotten cheese), brown lumps of sheep dairy, crawling with maggots, a “viscous, pungent goo that burns the tongue” and whose “wiggling worms (often) jump straight toward the (diner’s) eyes with ballistic precision.” Though the cheese is banned by the government, a black market has pushed the price to double that for ordinary cheese. Some locals believe the live maggots provide authentication, in that only when the maggots die does the cheese become inedible.

Marketing 101 The cheap-drink Tuesday night special at the Attic bar in Newcastle, England, in early September was a money-back guarantee at the end of the night to anyone who could still legally drive (measured by the bar’s breathalyzer), with the evening’s most-alcohol-saturated customer drinking free the following week. The Newcastle City Council soon convinced the bar it was a bad idea. And what is believed to be the world’s only commercial lounge openly serving cocaine operates in La Paz, Bolivia, though the owners of “Route 36″ have to change locations from time to time, depending on the moods of the bribed authorities. An August dispatch in London’s The Guardian reported that a nearly pure gram costs the equivalent of about $14 ($22 for “premium”), served by waiters in an empty CD case, with straws, but bar drinks are also available. Route 36 is well-known to backpacking tourists. Recalled one waiter, “We had some Australians; they stayed here for four days. (T)he only time they left was to go to the ATM.”

Mysterious Ways A 45-year-old devout Catholic was killed recently in Vienna, Austria, shortly after a harrowing experience on a stuck elevator. The man had been so traumatized that, following his rescue, he went straight to the Weinhaus Church to give thanks. However, as he approached the altar, an 850-pound stone pillar fell and crushed him.

Graffiti In Paradise In April, the Arizona State Parks Board unanimously chose Renee Bahl, thought to be a dynamic, experienced professional, to be director of state parks. However, her employment record while an assistant parks director in California in 2001 included an incident in which she was disciplined for etching “Renee 99″ into the wall of one of the parks’ historic adobe barns.

Health Care Woes Blue Shield California twice refused to pay $2,700 emergency room claims by Rosalinda Miran-Ramirez, concluding that it was not a “reasonable” decision for her to go to the ER that morning when she awoke to a shirt saturated with blood from what turned out to be a breast tumor. Only after a KPIX-TV reporter intervened in September did Blue Shield pay the claim. Also, the National Women’s Law Center found that the laws of eight states permit insurance companies to deny health coverage to a battered spouse (as a “pre-existing condition,” since batterers tend to be recidivists), according to a September report by Kaiser Health News.

Trumped When the tenant failed to pay $87,000 in rent in April and May on two townhouses and a retail property at Trump Plaza in New York City, the landlord did what Donald Trump would surely do: It began eviction proceedings. However, the tenant in this case is Donald Trump’s Trump Corp., which leases the space from the current landlord, the Trump Plaza Owners co-op. Said the co-op president: “If you don’t pay the rent when Donald Trump is your landlord, he comes down on you like a hammer. Well, lo and behold….”

World-Class Adolescent Endeavors Japanese engineer Takuo Toda’s paper airplane was certified in May as the Guinness Book record-holder for the longest flight from a single folded sheet of paper: 27.9 seconds. And in Witcham, England, in July, Jim Collins won the World Peashooting Championship, using a “traditional” instrument blowing at a target 12 yards away, but noncompeting ex-champion George Hollis once again drew the most attention with his homemade, gyroscopic-balancing, laser-guided peashooter, with which he won three previous championships.

Nickle-Dimed With no help from Verizon Wireless, law enforcement agencies managed to hunt down a disturbed, 62-year-old man sought in an 11-hour manhunt following a domestic violence call in Carrollton, Ohio, in May. Deputies had wanted to use the man’s cell phone signal to locate him, but the company had shut off his service over an unpaid $20 bill and refused to turn it on, even for a few minutes, unless deputies paid the $20. The sheriff was reluctantly about to pay when deputies found the man.

Time For a Change A woman offering child-care services in Melbourne, FL, was dismayed to learn in August that a scam pulled on her by a diaper-wearing man in his 40s was not illegal. A man called her, on behalf of his disabled adult “brother,” who has a mental age of 5 and poor bladder control, and she began assisting him in her home during the day for $600 a week. She was later outraged to learn that the “brother” was really the caller and was actually normal (except for his perversion). However, as Brevard County Sheriff’s officials told Florida Today, since the woman consented to changing diapers and was fully paid for her services, they were unable to charge the man with a crime.

Classy Guy Juvenile disruptions by “Girls Gone Wild” video producer Joe Francis in two recent federal lawsuit depositions have apparently backfired on him. Under questioning by plaintiffs’ lawyers, Francis had persistently and solemnly claimed not to understand common words and, during one session, repeatedly passed gas. At another deposition, he appeared indignant when asked if he had paid two teenage girls to fondle him (“disgusting allegations (against) a man of my integrity”). One judge summarily ruled against him on a $3 million Las Vegas gambling debt, and the other judge was considering a similar course in a class-action lawsuit by some of Francis’ allegedly underage “models.”

Awful Unlawfulness The Supreme Court of Spain tossed out assault charges against Henry Osagiede in August because of unfairness by Madrid police. Osagiede, a black man, was convicted after the victim identified him as her attacker, in a lineup in which he was the only black man. And six Ormond Beach, FL, motorcycle officers, detailed to chaperone the body of prominent Harley-Davidson dealer Bruce Rossmeyer from the funeral home to the cemetery, accidentally collided with each other en route, sending all six riders and their bikes sprawling. A 22-year-old man was arrested in Kitsap, WA, in August after tossing a barrage of rocks at people, leading some to chase him until police intervened. The man explained that he is preparing to enter Ultimate Fighting Championship contests but had never actually been in a fight and wanted experience at getting beaten up. And finally, admitted gang member Alex Fowler, 26, of Jasper, Texas, was arrested in July and charged with an attempted home-invasion robbery that went bad. Tough-guy Fowler, who has the words “Crip for Life” tattooed on his neck, was chased from the house by the 87-year-old female “victim” pointing a can of Raid insect repellant at him, threatening to spray.

More Madness From Japan Lonely Japanese men (and a few women) with rich imaginations have created a thriving subculture (“otaku”) in which they have all-consuming relationships with figurines that are based on popular anime characters. “The less extreme,” reported a New York Times writer in July, obsessively collect the dolls. The hardcore otaku “actually believes that a lumpy pillow with a drawing of a (teenage character) is his girlfriend,” and takes her out in public on romantic dates. “She has really changed my life,” said “Nisan,” 37, referring to his gal, Nemutan. (The otaku dolls are not to be confused with the life-size, anatomically-correct dolls that other lonely men use for sex.) One forlorn “2-D” (so named for preferring relationships with two-dimensionals) said he would like to marry a real, 3-D woman, “(b)ut look at me. How can someone who carries this (doll) around get married?”

Always Check Your Itinerary For at least the third time in eight years, geography-challenged vacationers bought airline tickets for an Australian holiday but failed to notice (until they landed in “Sydney”) that their tickets took them to Sydney, Nova Scotia. Dutch man Joannes Rutten and his grandson appeared shocked when they de-planed in Canada, even though they had boarded an earlier connecting flight in Halifax, Nova Scotia. In December 2008, an Argentine woman made a similar mistake, and in August 2002, a young British couple, after realizing their error, decided to spend their holiday in Nova Scotia, after all.

F@*K Yeah! A study by psychology researchers at Britain’s Keele University in July showed that people who swear in response to a danger are better able to endure pain than those who use milder language. Also, the Brazilian environmental group SOS Mata Atlantica this summer began encouraging people to urinate in the shower to save the Atlantic Rainforest (one avoided flush per day saving 1,100 gallons of water a year).

Idol Worship Apparently believing that religious competition in the Middle East is not exciting enough already, the television station Kanal T in Istanbul, Turkey, is preparing a reality game show for September release in which 10 certified atheists try to resist conversion by a priest, a rabbi, a Muslim imam and a Buddhist monk. The exact rules have not been disclosed, but the “winning” convert will receive an expense-paid trip to the holy land of the most persuasive religion (the Vatican, Jerusalem, Mecca or Tibet). According to a July Reuters report, Turkey’s Islamic Religious Affairs Directorate, not surprisingly, had vowed never to co-operate.

Why Not? By early July, Jonathan Baltesz and his wife and kids were desperate to find their 10-year-old black Labrador mix, Simon, who had run away. They had one more plan, however. The family members urinated into containers and sprinkled the contents at various locales around their town (Bristol, England), laid out so that Simon could follow a trail home. (Results were unavailable at press time.)

Unwelcome Intervention A certain bridge in Ghangzhou, China, has become popular for suicide (12 attempts in a 45-day period in April and May), and with each incident, traffic is slowed or halted for hours while crews attempt to talk the distraught person down or perform rescues. Mr. “Chen” was on the ledge in May, according to an Agence France-Presse dispatch, but he couldn’t make up his mind about jumping. One frustrated motorist, Lai Jiansheng, ended the suspense by walking up to Chen and pushing him off. Chen survived, and Lai was arrested.

On A Wing And A Prayer The British charter airline Thomas Cook announced at the gate in the resort island of Mallorca in June that, regardless of seat assignments on a departing flight, passengers should sit toward the rear of the aircraft in order to balance the load (since it was already front-heavy with cargo and therefore harder on the pilot). Not surprisingly, 71 apprehensive passengers refused to board. (Also, some incoming passengers on that same aircraft, which experienced a similar balance problem, had dramatically dropped to their knees in the terminal, kissing the ground, calling the flight their worst ever.)

The Glass Is Half-Full Farah Ahmed Omar was appointed recently as chief of Somalia’s navy, which ordinarily would be on the front lines against the throng of pirates operating off the country’s coast. Omar’s job is difficult, though, because the Somalian navy has not a single boat nor a single sailor, and Omar himself has not been to sea in 23 years. However, he told a reporter he was optimistic that the piracy could be stopped.

For Once, It’s Not Florida Rarely has a city experienced a “better” year of weird news than Akron, Ohio, in 2000. A father was indicted for constantly roughing up his gifted teenage daughters to encourage even higher achievement (including threatening to kill one for misspelling “cappelletti” in the National Spelling Bee). A man was found living with his father’s corpse for 11 years, discovered only when his mother died, and he failed to bury her, also. A 69-year-old man sued a woman for tricking him into marrying her when he had intended to marry her mother. A woman defended a charge of sexually molesting her 7-year-old son, by claiming that the family dog had raped him. A 10-year-old boy, trying to avoid leaf-raking chores by hiding underneath them, was hospitalized when his mother accidentally drove over the leaves. A high school coach got caught cheating when he sneaked in to run the second leg of his school’s 4×100 relay at a track meet.

Small Town Management After haggling for a while at its June 16 meeting, the county board in Lincoln, NE, finally voted, 2-1, to reimburse Shum Darwin for his pants, which went missing at the jail after Darwin was arrested. The city’s liability was clear; the debate was about whether the pants were worth $12 or $10. And the city council of Brooksville, FL, by 4-1, adopted an appearance policy in June that requires all municipal employees to wear underwear while on the clock and to make sure it is not visible.

Genius! In early 1995, Chesapeake, VA, inmate Robert Lee Brock filed a $5 million lawsuit against Robert Lee Brock — accusing himself of violating his own religious beliefs and his own civil rights by getting himself drunk enough to engage in the various crimes that put him behind bars. He wrote: “I want to pay myself five million dollars (for being made to suffer from this breach of rights) but ask the state to pay it in my behalf since I can’t work and am a ward of the state.” (The lawsuit was eventually dismissed.)

Kings (Queens) Of Weirdness David Shayler, 43, used to be a British MI5 intelligence officer, but apparently went downhill after a controversy with superiors and today lives as Delores Kent, in full female dress, and believes “in (his) heart” that he is the Messiah who will save mankind from its upcoming 2012 doomsday by turning billions of people on to the virtues of hemp, which is “perfectly balanced … full of omega-3, -6, and -9 to help muscles grow and repair.” Shayler/Kent also believes that Americans staged September 11 and that Jesus Christ was, like him, a transvestite. And transsexual Tammy Lynn Felbaum (formerly Tommy Wyda), 43, was found guilty in December 2001 of manslaughter in the February death of her sixth husband, James Felbaum, from a botched castration. Tammy initially said James castrated himself, then admitted she did it but only at James’ written request. The Butler County, PA, judge reached his decision based on evidence that Tammy had pressured James into the removal as punishment for James’ recent affair, and on testimony from one of Tammy’s earlier spouses, Lynn (formerly Tim) Barner, who let Tammy castrate her (formerly him) because she was an “expert.” Said Barner, “(Tammy) could castrate a dog in less than five minutes.” Tammy was also known in the community for her career as a stripper, specializing in crushing soda cans between her breasts.

Green With Guilt London’s celebrated high-end restaurant Nobu still serves a bluefin tuna entree for the equivalent of about $51 but is apparently ashamed that it has a fresh inventory ready to carve, according to a May report in the Daily Telegraph. Printed on the menu is this advisory: “Bluefin tuna is an environmentally threatened species — please ask your server for an alternative.”

Dubious Studies Doctors and specialists from the New York Psychiatric Institute are in the middle of a two-year investigation, on a $400,000 grant from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), on why gay men have risky sex in Argentina. Researchers visit gay bars nightly in Buenos Aires and question men about their behavior and substance abuse. And Wayne State University (Detroit) researchers, operating on a $2.6 million NIH grant, are now “training” prostitutes to drink alcohol responsibly, to reduce the women’s willingness to engage in risky sex. However, the training is taking place in Guangxi province, China. Also, researchers from Cleveland State University, for a recent journal article, assessed the physical traits of 195 female characters from the first 20 James Bond films, revealing that more were brunette than blond and that at least 90 percent were young, slim and of above-average looks. Two scientists from Britain’s University of Oxford, on a three-year study costing the equivalent of nearly $500,000, found that ducks may be even more comfortable standing under a sprinkler than paddling around in a pond. Lead researcher Marian Stamp Dawkins concluded that ducks basically just like water. According to research announced in May by pediatrics professor Jennie Noll of the University of Cincinnati, the more often that teenage girls tart themselves up in online presentations, the greater the sexual interest they provoke. And lastly, in June, a branch of the National Institutes of Health awarded a $423,000 grant to the Kinsey Institute to find out why men seem to prefer not to use condoms during sex. (ABC News, reporting the announcement, contacted a sex-advice blogger, who revealed, free of charge, that it’s because the condom reduces sexual sensation.)

More “Research” Kerry Fenton’s pub, The Cutting Edge, in Worsbrough, England, initially complied with the 2007 Smoking Act, which prohibits lighting up inside. However, since smoking research is generally carried on indoors, “research” was exempt from the law. Fenton ultimately renamed part of the bar the Smoking Research Centre and allows patrons to smoke provided they fill out questionnaires about their habit. So far, according to a May BBC News report, neither Britain’s Home Office nor the local Barnsley council has intervened. In related news, even though life and health insurance companies now routinely penalize smokers with higher premiums (or by refusing their business), the companies themselves own tobacco company stock worth at least $4.4 billion, according to a recent New England Journal of Medicine report. Centers for Disease Control estimates that more than 400,000 Americans die prematurely each year due in part to smoking (burdening life insurance companies but perhaps sparing health insurers from having to pay out over longer lifetimes).

Simply Shocking The head of Florida’s Department of Corrections admitted in May that at least 43 children (including a 5-year-old), who observed their parents’ prison jobs as part of “Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day” in April, were playfully zapped by 50,000-volt stun guns. DOC Secretary Walt McNeil said the demonstrations (in three of the state’s 55 prisons) even included one warden’s kid, but that only 14 children were individually shot (with the rest part of hand-holding circles feeling a passing current). Twenty-one employees were disciplined.

Sign Of The Times On a hot July 2005 day in Stamford, CT, firefighters not only had to break a car window but overcome the car’s owner, who couldn’t bear to see her Audi A4 damaged. The 23-month-old son of Susan Guita Silverstein, 42, had been accidentally locked inside, along with the key, for at least 20 minutes on a sweltering, 88-degree day. Silverstein (who was later charged with reckless endangerment) begged firefighters to wait so she could go home and retrieve her spare key, to save her window.

Idiocy Does Not Pay In Fort Lauderdale, FL, in February 1994, accused murderer Donald Leroy Evans, 38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe in the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by “the honorable and respected name of Hi Hitler.” According to courthouse employees interviewed by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler’s followers were saying “Hi Hitler” rather than “Heil, Hitler.” And Steven Gilmore Jr., 21, was arrested in Gainesville, FL, after an aborted convenience store robbery in which he shot a clerk with a BB gun. Police said Gilmore confessed to the crime, explaining that he is an aspiring rap singer and felt he needed to commit a violent crime to gain “street cred” as a thug.

Man vs. Beast A portion of downtown Rotterdam, Netherlands, was blanketed in gluey white “silk” in May, from a six-week-long invasion of caterpillars that strip trees and cover them with gooey larvae. In Stoke-on-Trent, England, Nicola Bruce and her two toddlers, who live in government-assisted housing, have awakened nearly every morning for two years to a fresh invasion of about 50 slugs, despite 30 attempts by contractors to find their source (in addition to the remodeling of the kitchen and bath and the bleaching of floors).

Americans Fantasize, Germans Act Two formerly well-off retired couples in Speyer, Germany, whose nest egg was largely wiped out by investments in sub-prime Florida mortgages, vented their anger by kidnapping their investment adviser, James Amburn, in June. They took him to the vacation home of one of the couples near the Austrian border, bound him like a mummy and beat and tortured him over several days, fracturing two ribs, in repeated attempts to punish him and extort his own property as partial compensation for their losses. Police rescued him after he managed to send a coded message by fax.

Safety First In Britain

Oops! For 15 years, police in southern Germany have been futilely tracking a female “serial killer” whose DNA (but little other matching physical evidence) was found at 40 crime scenes, including six murders. Only in 2007 did they begin to consider alternative theories, and in March 2009, a state justice minister announced that the case had been solved: The DNA matched up in the tests because the cotton swabs used to collect it had been contaminated at the factory (but authorities still have not determined which female factory worker inadvertently supplied the DNA).

Mixed Signs From The Middle East In March, at a soccer match in Hilla, Iraq, between two local teams, as a player with the ball approached the goal to attempt a tying kick late in the game, an overenthusiastic spectator drew his gun and shot him dead. In more hopeful news, authorities in Ramallah said that the March 24 bank robbery by armed gunmen who snatched the equivalent of $30,000 was pulled off by five Palestinians and an Israeli Jew, working together.

Lousy Bums In April, the City Council of Vero Beach, FL, grappling with the question of how much skin can legally be exposed in public, adopted the definitions that at least two other Florida jurisdictions use (and which were reported in News of the Weird). “Buttocks,” for example, is “the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e., the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible (sic) of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower.”

Poor Dears Convicted Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols, now serving a life sentence in the Florence, CO, “Supermax” prison, filed a 39-page federal lawsuit in March alleging unconstitutional “cruel and unusual punishment” because the refined-food, low-fiber meals give him “chronic constipation (and) bleeding hemorrhoids.” He demanded fresh raw vegetables and other high-fiber foods, necessary to “keep one’s body (i.e., God’s holy temple) in good health.” Nichols was joined in the lawsuit by fellow Supermax resident Eric Rudolph (the convicted abortion-clinic and Atlanta Olympics bomber), who claimed “gas and stomach cramps” and observed that “our bodies” are “sacred and should be treated as such.”

Where Money Flows Like Water Recently the Washington Supreme Court ruled that Seattle had for two years improperly charged water customers for servicing hydrants when the city should have covered the service from general tax funds, and it ordered customer refunds averaging $45. However, Seattle then discovered it had insufficient general funds to pay for hydrant service and thus imposed a water surcharge of $59 per customer, according to a February KOMO-TV report. The most likely reason the surcharge was higher is that the city had to pay $4.2 million to the attorneys who filed the account-shuffling lawsuit.

Gee, Thanks… East St. Louis, IL, policeman Kristopher Weston apprehended a murder suspect about 20 minutes after the crime in April, which was such a nice piece of police work that the mayor called Weston before the city council to commend him. Five minutes after Weston left the room, the council got down to regular business, the first order of which was to approve a list of police and firefighter layoffs due to budget shortfalls, and on the list because of low seniority was Officer Kristopher Weston.

Cha-Ching! Shreepriya Gopalan filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in San Diego in April against Microsoft, Google, Apple, Saks Fifth Avenue, McDonalds, Starbucks, Subway, Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Chase Bank, Verizon, AT&T and 47 other U.S. corporations, claiming that he actually owns the companies based on the Chinese divination system I Ching, which he said he invented when he was “15 or 16″ years old. “These companies were I Chinged in through a metaphysical layer created and owned by me,” he wrote, but he added that, “unfortunately,” he lacks paperwork to document his claims and asks the court’s help.

Up Yours!

Another Fetish Exposed Once again, a man was found to have climbed into the waste tank of an outdoor toilet, but according to a March report in the Twin Falls (Idaho) Times-News, the emergency crew seemed to accept his story that it was all a mistake and not a manifestation of perversion. Rescuers from the town of Filer, Idaho, said the man told them he was just looking for his keys that he had accidentally dropped and had been in the tank for 15 minutes before help arrived. The man declined to identify himself, and no official report was required, but after the man was hosed off by a fire truck, he “discovered” that his keys had been in his pocket all along, and he drove away.

The Gnomes Know When Alcoa Inc. prepared to build an aluminum smelting plant in Iceland in 2004, the government forced it to hire an expert to assure that none of the country’s legendary “hidden people” lived underneath the property. The elf-like goblins provoke genuine apprehensiveness in many of the country’s 300,000 natives (who are all, reputedly, related by blood). An Alcoa spokesman told Vanity Fair writer Michael Lewis (for an April 2009 report) that the inspection (which delayed construction for six months) was costly but necessary: “(W)e couldn’t be in the position of acknowledging the existence of hidden people.” (Lewis offered several explanations for the country’s spectacular financial implosion in 2008, including Icelanders’ incomprehensible superiority complex that convinced many lifelong fishermen that they were gifted investment bankers.)

Only in Japan/Sweden Sega Toys Co. reported in January that, in just three months, it had sold 50,000 units of the Pekoppa, a “plant” consisting of leaves and branches that flutter when “spoken to,” the success of which the company attributes to the epic loneliness of many Japanese. Advocates for children complained in April that Sweden’s national library, acting on a standing order to archive copies of all domestic publications, has been gathering books and magazines of child pornography from the years 1971-1980, when it was legal, and, as libraries do, lending them out.

Your End Is Nigh The Natural Resources Defense Council and Greenpeace commenced campaigns in February critical of the peculiar preference of Americans for ultra-soft or quilted toilet paper. In less-picky Europe and Latin America, 40 percent of toilet paper is produced by recycling, but Americans’ demand for multi-ply tissue requires virgin wood for 98 percent of the product. The activists claim that U.S. toilet paper imposes more costs on the planet than do gas-guzzling cars.

The Future Is Now The CMT cable channel has scheduled an August start-up for “Runnin’ Wild … From Ted Nugent,” in which the rock singer, hunter and uninhibited gun advocate will spend five episodes training three novices on how to survive in the woods, and then, in the final episodes, Nugent and his 18-year-old son will go hunt them down, with the last one to avoid capture declared the winner.

Don’t Take Me To Your Leaders During an April Texas House committee hearing (according to a Houston Chronicle report), state Rep. Betty Brown suggested a solution to the voter-registration confusion caused by Chinese-Americans’ Anglicizing their names (which yields nonstandard spellings): “Do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens,” she asked a Chinese-American activist, “to adopt (names) that we (lawmakers) could deal with more readily here?” And during a March Florida Senate debate on whether to exempt “animal husbandry” from the law against bestiality, Sen. Larcenia Bullard asked (seriously, according to a Miami Herald reporter), “People are taking these animals as husbands?”

Dim Bulbs In April, sex offender Barry Whaley was under suspicion for failing to register his new address but made things much worse. Being questioned at a police station in Fairbanks, Alaska, he asked an officer to retrieve a laptop computer from his car so that it would not get stolen, and when the officer brought it to him, Whaley mentioned an “amazing” flight simulator program he had been using, which the officer asked to see. As Whaley powered up the computer, a video of child pornography appeared, and Whaley was arrested. In April, police in Copley Township, Ohio, were called to a restaurant where Erik Salmons, 39, was allegedly intoxicated and annoying customers. Officers declined to arrest him but did insist that he call someone for a ride home, and Salmons complied. However, at home, Salmons decided that he was insulted at being thought of as intoxicated and so drove himself to the police station and demanded a breathalyzer test, which of course he failed, and he was arrested.

Damn Dirty Apes!

The Rising Cost of Inflation Yale University student Jesse Maiman, 21, filed a lawsuit against US Airways in March because someone stole the Xbox console from his luggage, for which he wants $1 million. And in January, after the New York City subway system barred the oversized “assistance dog” of Estelle Stamm, 65, she filed a lawsuit for $10 million. Also, in Lonnell Worthy’s lawsuit against Bank of America, filed in November in California, Worthy values his now-ruined iPod playlist at $1 trillion.

All in the Family After Elizabeth Russell, 45, and her 13-year-old daughter were arrested in February in Hartford, CT, and charged with shoplifting from a Kohl’s department store, her husband, Daryll, 47, and son, Jonathan, 19, arrived at the police station to bail them out. However, a quick check revealed that both Daryll and Jonathan had warrants against them for violating probation, and were arrested. Said a police lieutenant, “I don’t ever recall having four related people in lockup at the same time.”

Drunken Logic From a May 1999 police report in The Messenger (Madisonville, KY), concerning two trucks being driven curiously on a rural road: A man would drive a truck 100 yards, stop, walk back to a second truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the first truck, stop, walk back to the first truck, drive it 100 yards beyond the second truck, and so on, into the evening. He did it, he told police, because his brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks, and he was trying to drive both trucks home, at more or less the same time. (Not surprisingly, a blood-alcohol test showed the driver, also, to be impaired.)

The 11-Year-Old Bullfighter Michelito Peniche killed six young bulls in a single fight before 3,500 spectators in Merida, Mexico, in January, despite the mayor’s ban on the event as a child-labor violation (but which was allowed to proceed after Michelito’s father appealed to a state prosecutor). Michelito began his career in the ring at age 4.

Idiocy Knows No Bounds In Airdrie, Alberta, in January, police officers responded to a report from the Ralph McCall Elementary School that a man was standing in the yard yelling with a portable loudspeaker toward a group of frolicking kids, calling, “Girls in the field, come over to my truck, come pet my dog.” When alarmed adults nearby approached him, the man quickly got in his truck and took off. Also, Angel Galvan-Hernandez, 26, facing a long prison term after being convicted in a Seattle court, begged the judge in February to execute him, that he’d rather die “a thousand times” than be jailed. The reason, he said, was his fear of being raped in prison because of his petite frame and his history of being attacked as a youth. He admitted that he was a coward, “but I just don’t want to be raped.” His crime: He had pleaded guilty to raping two women. (He got 20 years.) And in February, Britain’s Southwark Crown Court ordered so-called “countess” Eida Beguinua to give back the equivalent of $1.2 million to investors who had believed her story that she could recover treasures in the Philippines but needed money for expenses. Despite the setback, she told the judge that she was sticking with her story and begged him for more time to look for the “22 caves,” protected by “10,000″ guards, containing tons of jewelry and gold worth “300 followed by 41 zeros” (presumably in British pounds). Lastly, Gildazio Costa, 54, was arrested in Framingham, MA, in February and charged with kidnapping and beating his girlfriend following a five-hour-long argument they were having about what the operating hours are for the local library.

That’s Special In response to a bomb threat called in to Hays High School in Buda, Texas, in February, Principal Shirley Reich directed the evacuation of all students, who were kept out for two hours until the all-clear. The building had not been completely cleared, though. Reich had ordered that eight special-needs students, who presented mobility problems for the staff, be kept inside during the evacuation, and afterward Reich defended her decision, crediting herself for compassion because it was cold outside, and she wanted the special-needs students to be comfortable.

Up Yours! The venerable 17th-century astronomer Galileo Galilei was honored at a gallery in Florence, Italy, in February to mark the 400th anniversary of his transformative work, which was widely discredited at the time (as contradicting the Bible) and which subjected him to vicious slanders. The exhibit includes Galileo’s only preserved body part: one of his middle fingers.

Another Fetish Exposed Once again, a man was found to have climbed into the waste tank of an outdoor toilet, but according to a March report in the Twin Falls (Idaho) Times-News, the emergency crew seemed to accept his story that it was all a mistake and not a manifestation of perversion. Rescuers from the town of Filer, Idaho, said the man told them he was just looking for his keys that he had accidentally dropped and had been in the tank for 15 minutes before help arrived. The man declined to identify himself, and no official report was required, but after the man was hosed off by a fire truck, he “discovered” that his keys had been in his pocket all along, and he drove away.

Appetizing Through the years, News of the Weird has reported on restaurants around the world with singularly quirky themes and signature dishes, such as the one in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, that seats all diners on toilets and the Beijing restaurant whose cuisine features animal penises. Last year, a group of doctors in Riga, Latvia, opened Hospitalis, a medical-themed restaurant whose dining room resembles an OR, with “nurse” waitresses bringing food on gurneys, accessorized with syringes and forceps in addition to knives and forks and with drinks served in beakers and test tubes. Hospitalis’ signature dish is a cake with edible toppings that resemble fingers, noses and tongues.

Public Enema No. 1 Police were called to the Aliso (CA) Town Center on March 15 after a woman telephoned 911 to report being attacked near the center’s fountain by another woman, who had flung her dog’s feces at her and her infant. The flinger was said to be upset about complaints from passersby about the enema she was giving her dog in public.

Compelling Explanation In March 1991, Florence Schreiber Powers, 44, a Ewing, NJ, administrative law judge on trial for shoplifting two watches, called her psychiatrist to testify that Powers was under stress at the time of the incidents. The doctor said Powers did not know what she was doing “from one minute to the next,” for the following reasons: recent auto accident, traffic ticket, new-car purchase, overwork, husband’s kidney stones, husband’s asthma (and noisy breathing machine in their bedroom), menopausal hot flashes, “ungodly” vaginal itch, bad rash, fear of breast and anal cancer, fear of dental surgery, son’s asthma, mother’s and aunt’s illnesses, need to organize parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, need to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20 relatives, purchase of 200 gifts for Christmas and Hanukkah, attempt to sell her house without a broker, lawsuit against wallpaper cleaners, need to return newly purchased furniture, and toilet constantly running. (Nonetheless, she was convicted.

SHHH!
Inadvertently, Raed Jarrar, 30, made his August 2006 airline flight from New York to Oakland, CA, pay off handsomely for him, despite some inconvenience and harassment. Jarrar, an Iraqi-born U.S. resident married to an American citizen, was wearing a T-shirt with Arabic lettering at the JetBlue gate at JFK airport when the airline denied him boarding. After negotiating, he was allowed to board provided he cover the shirt and sit in the back row. In January 2009, JetBlue and two officials of the Transportation Security Administration agreed to pay Jarrar $240,000 to settle his racial profiling lawsuit. (The T-shirt read “We Will Not Be Silent” and was in both English and Arabic.)

And How About One For L.A.?
Needs In December, the city council in Brighton, MI, passed an ordinance making it illegal for anyone to be “annoying” in public, “by word of mouth, sign or motions.” Violators can be ticketed and fined.

Simple Math
Two Maryland officials (reportedly new on the job) made a error in addition in 2007 (in estimating counties’ property values) that was revealed in January 2009 to have cost state offices $31 million in overpayments, according to a Washington Post report. Also, in October, the Dallas school district was forced to lay off 375 teachers to ameliorate an $84 million deficit caused by a massive math error in the budget, according to a report by WFAA-TV.

Bad Apple
The campus police chief of Colorado State University, Dexter Yarbrough, also teaches a criminology class, during which he gives a flavor of real police work (since he’s a former Chicago cop). According to audio recordings of his lectures reported in January by the campus newspaper The Collegian, Yarbrough acknowledged that police sometimes have to “lie” and “cut corners” and “beat (the) ass” of a suspect if they “deserve” it. Sometimes, a confidential informant gets paid off with police-seized drugs, but only after being warned, “(H)ey, if you get caught with this, you know, don’t say my name.” Most unenlightened of all was Yarbrough’s characterization of some rape victims: “(E)ven when (women) say ‘no,’ (t)hey want (it).”

Hitler Youth
Police in Holland Township, NJ, removed three kids from the home of Heath and Deborah Campbell in January at the behest of the state Division of Youth and Family Services. The kids are 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell and his 1-year-old sisters, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. The family was also in the news in December when their local ShopRite supermarket bakery refused to make a birthday cake with little Adolf’s name on it.

Legal Logic
Australia’s Queensland Rail agency disclosed in January that it would quickly offer refunds to passengers on a Cairns-to-Brisbane train that crashed just outside Cairns, but reiterated at the same time that it would not pay refunds to survivors of a November 2008 Brisbane-to-Cairns train crash that killed two and injured nine. The difference, according to a Queensland Rail general manager, was that the 2009 trip was just getting underway from Cairns when it crashed, but that the 2008 trip, also near Cairns, was “95 percent over” by the time the deadly crash occurred (and thus, the survivors had basically reached their destination). Also, Jeffrey Boyle was convicted in 2006 of setting eight fires during the time he was a lieutenant in the Chicago Fire Department and is serving a six-year sentence, but in January, he filed a lawsuit against the department demanding his pension, of about $50,000 a year, on the grounds that he was off duty during the time he set the fires.

Was It The Dreaded “Double Dog”?
Timothy Hoffman, 26, was awarded $76.6 million by a jury in Viera, FL, in January for becoming paralyzed in a 2003 incident when, on a dare, he dove headfirst into the Indian River, which, unknown to him, was about a foot deep at that point. One reason for the large judgment may have been that the defendant, C&D Dock Works, one of whose employees may have been the one that issued the dare, is bankrupt and did not defend itself at the trial. (There was also evidence that Hoffman may have solicited the dare himself.)

More Bad News For The Economy
The Baltimore Sun reported in June 1993 that New York City artist Todd Alden had recently asked 400 art collectors worldwide to send him samples of their feces so he could offer them for sale in personalized tins. Said Alden, “Scatology is emerging as an increasingly significant part of artistic inquiry in the 1990s.” A 30-gram tin of the feces of Italian artist Piero Manzoni, canned in 1961, sold just before that for $75,000. Subsequent to this story, News of the Weird periodically tracked the fluctuating price of the several Manzoni tins, including Britain’s Tate Gallery’s 2002 purchase for $38,000 (which was over 100 times the price of an equal amount of gold). A colleague of Manzoni revealed in 2007 that his tins probably contained just plaster, but a Tate curator pointed out the irrelevance of the physical content of art. And at Tokyo’s first fish auction of 2009 in January, the upscale Kyubey restaurant and the more moderate Itamae Sushi dining chain jointly purchased a single, 280-pound bluefin tuna for the equivalent of about $104,000. Kyubey said it would cut its half into slivers priced at about $22 each, while the popular Itamae planned to offer tinier, more affordable slivers. Also, some laid-off workers may be desperate to exhibit their work skills at any available job, but February news reports highlighted two government bureaucrats who draw $250,000 a year between them yet have been prevented from doing a stitch of work for, in one case, six years, and in the other, 18 months. Randall Hinton is nominally the chief of investigations for the New York State Insurance Fund but was ostracized by his supervisors in 2002 and has taken home his $93,000 a year for zero work ever since. U.S. Labor Department official Bob Whitmore earns $150,000 but has had no work to do since July 2007 due to a clash with his supervisors.

Hyper Hyperbole
A pre-trial hearing was scheduled in February 1996 in Lamar, MO, on Joyce Lehr’s lawsuit against the county for injuries suffered in a 1993 fall in the icy, unplowed parking lot of the local high school. The Carthage Press reported that Lehr claimed damage to nearly every part of her body. According to her lawsuit: “All the bones, organs, muscles, tendons, tissues, nerves, veins, arteries, ligaments … discs, cartilages, and the joints of her body were fractured, broken, ruptured, punctured, compressed, dislocated, separated, bruised, contused, narrowed, abraded, lacerated, burned, cut, torn, wrenched, swollen, strained, sprained, inflamed and infected.”

Random Absurdity
At Mannerspielplatz (“Men’s Playground”) near Kassel, Germany, testosterone-fueled office workers can get in touch with their “inner ditchdigger” (according to a January Wired magazine report) and frolic all day long on 29-ton backhoes, 32-ton front-end loaders, jackhammers and various other big, loud vehicles for an admission fee of about $280 a day. At the Men’s Playground, the owner said, “We fulfill men’s dreams” … Michael Reed, 50, was charged with attempted robbery of Eddie’s Fried Chicken in Fort Worth, Texas, in December. He was armed only with a tree branch and was quickly neutralized by a 56-year-old employee, who grabbed a broom, and the men proceeded to duel until Reed dropped his branch and fled (but was arrested nearby) … The Happy Egg Company (Lincoln, England) altered the packaging in January for its six-egg cartons to include the prominent warning, “Allergy Advice: Contains Egg”… The $500,000 top prize in Alaska’s January statewide lottery, to benefit the organization Standing Together Against Rape, for victims of sexual assault, was won by Alec Ahsoak, 53, who coincidentally is a twice-convicted sex offender … Sweden’s Hallands Nyheter newspaper reported in January that a police officer had endured four operations at a private clinic in Gothenburg to correct a birth condition that made one leg shorter than the other, but operations on the longer leg cut off too much, so it is now shorter than the leg that used to be the shorter one …

It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! …It’s Just A Guy In His PJs

Business As Unusual The Platinum Lounge, a lap-dancing club in Chester, England, announced in November that it would begin selling advertising, in 4-by-6-inch body-paint squares, on dancers’ derrieres. Said the club’s agent, “I had to do a lot of research … to come up with the optimum size for the (ads)!” And in the midst of widespread unemployment in Sweden, the Haxriket i Norden company announced in November it would hire 20 professional witches well-versed in tarots, crystals, herbs, exorcism, and “contact with the other side,” in the expectation that desperate consumers increasingly would require counseling.

Death Is Contagious A 77-year-old man was crushed to death in October while visiting his parents’ gravesite at the St. Gregoire Cemetery in Buckingham, Quebec, when a tombstone fell on him. And in November, a 67-year-old woman was killed in southern Brazil on her way to the cemetery following her husband’s funeral. She was a front-seat passenger in the hearse when another vehicle collided with it, slamming her husband’s coffin forward and crushing the woman’s skull.

peDoghQo’! Walt and Kathy Viggiano of Wichita, KS, convinced Judge James Burgess to return their four children from foster care in 1999, following their removal the year before because of the unsanitariness of the family’s mobile home. Unlike in many such cases, Judge Burgess realized that the Viggianos had not abused the kids, nor did they have alcohol or drug problems. Also, according to police who made the initial investigation, Walt and the kids seemed to speak warmly and lovingly with each other, even though their intra-family banter in the presence of the investigators appeared to be entirely in Klingon (from “Star Trek”).

Ain’t Havin’ Nun In December, Britain’s Oxford University Press announced the latest changes in its highly selective Junior Dictionary, finding room to add dozens of words, including trapezium, alliteration and incisor but eliminating, for example, bishop, chapel, christen, minister, monk, nun, parish, psalm and saint. The publisher said the changes reflect Britain’s “multicultural, multifaith” society.

Mekong Mutants More than 1,000 new animal species were discovered in the last decade in the area surrounding the Mekong River that runs through Myanmar, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand and Vietnam, including striped rabbits and a spider bigger than a dinner plate. Also found was a pink millipede that secretes cyanide, according to a December World Wildlife Fund report.

New Disorders Among the medical oddities mentioned in a December Wall Street Journal roundup was “Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder,” in which a person, when startled, would “jump, twitch, flail their limbs and obey commands given suddenly, even if it means hurting themselves or a loved one.” It was first observed in 1878 among lumberjacks in Maine but has been reported also among factory workers in Malaysia and Siberia. It is believed to result from a genetic mutation that blocks the calming of the central nervous system (but could be merely psychological, from the stress of working in close quarters).

When Race Is An Issue Ms. Courtney Mann, the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the white-supremacist National Association for the Advancement of White People, and who is a single mother who works as a tax preparer, was rebuffed in an attempt to join a Ku Klux Klan-sponsored march in Pittsburgh in April, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Though she has been in the NAAWP for at least four years, the Pennsylvania KKK Grand Dragon turned her down for the Klan march because Mann is black. “She wanted me to send transportation (to bring her to the rally),” said the Grand Dragon. “She wanted to stay at my house (during rally weekend). She’s all confused, man. I don’t think she knows she’s black.”

Impenetrable Mysteries In December, Pauline McCook of Britain’s Isle of Sheppey reported the theft from her front yard of her life-sized glass statue of mobster Al Capone. It was not reported why McCook would have such a statue in the first place. And in Plant City, FL, in December, Robert Thompson and Taurus Morris were charged with armed burglary after taking a woman’s eggbeater from her at knifepoint. It was not reported why they wanted the eggbeater or why the victim had to be threatened at knifepoint to get it.

Boo Hoo The December student rioting in Athens, Greece (triggered by a police officer’s shooting of an unarmed 15-year-old boy), was so intensive that the police department quickly ran through its arsenal of tear gas and was forced to use supplies that were 25 years old. One demonstrator told a Times of London reporter that it was unfair for police to use canisters that old because they contained dangerous chemicals that caused rioters to get “sick” and to “have trouble breathing.”

Thor-oughly Frightened Torvald Alexander, 39, was able to chase away the unlucky home invader who hit his apartment on December 31st in Edinburgh, Scotland, according to a BBC News report. The two men inadvertently came face to face just as Alexander was preparing to leave for a New Year’s party, dressed in full regalia as Thor, the hammer-wielding Norse god of thunder. Alexander said the burglar took one look at him, turned and climbed hurriedly out a window, sliding down a sloped roof and landing on the ground, where he took off running.

On The Rails Toronto police officers investigating a robbery at The Beer Store in January parked their cruiser to investigate but admitted later (after a train had crushed it) that it was probably “a little bit on the tracks.” Also, a 68-year-old driver got stuck on tracks in Anaheim, CA, in December, and when panic set in at the sight of an oncoming train, she unfortunately decided to call 911 on her cell phone, rather than exit the car. And Matthew Randall, 40, had a happier ending in Ashland, MA, in October after he drove onto the rails and was seen “barreling down the tracks” toward a train. CSX engineers were able to slow down before the collision, which knocked the car onto a side road, and Randall actually drove it home (and was later arrested for leaving the scene, trespassing on railroad tracks, and of course DUI).

Hello, Baby Doll “I take (my baby) to the park … maybe put it in its stroller, or put it in its sling, or hold it in a blanket,” the 49-year-old “mother” told ABC News reporters in January, lovingly describing her play-like infant. She is of the “reborn” community of women whose maternal instinct leads them to mother fake babies as they would real ones (which they choose not to have, or cannot have). Reborn dolls are exquisitely manufactured, selling for $500 and up, and require real baby clothes rather than doll suits. In addition to the obvious benefits (no diapers, no college fund), reborns will always be infants and never bratty adolescents. A psychiatrist told the reporters that she would not be surprised to find that the “mother” of a reborn would “have the same chemical, hormonal reactions as if she was holding a real baby.” Also in baby news, among the best-selling and most controversial toys of this past holiday season were the $39.95 Mattel “Gotta Go” Doll and the $59.95 Hasbro Baby Alive, both because of their interactive features, especially their digestion/excretion functions. The latter doll comes with its own food (“green beans,” “bananas”) and a warning (“May stain some surfaces”). The Gotta Go includes a toilet and brings the flushing process to life for the child. An industry insider told the Washington Post that next season’s toys would be even more realistic.

Criminal Idiocy Henry Earl, 58, of Lexington, KY, gave rehab one more try in October after his arrest number 1,333 (according to TheSmokingGun.com’s public-records search), almost all for public intoxication. Luke Radick, 21, was charged with attempted robbery of the National Bank of Palmerton in Sciota, PA, in January. Bank employees refused to buzz Radick in for the simple reason that he stood at the door, covering his face and holding a shotgun. Marie-Eve Dean, 23, was ordered into intensive therapy in December by a judge in Ottawa, Ontario, after her conviction for mischief in making more than 10,000 crank phone calls to the city’s 911 line, apparently just to protest the legal system’s treatment of her former brother-in-law in a child-custody case. A South Korean man identified only as Kim, wanted in Seoul for murder, had a more enduring grudge. Police charged the 37-year-old man with the November slaying of his high school music teacher after stewing for 21 years over the teacher’s 1987 accusation that Kim cheated in class. Police in New Britain, CT, arrested Joel Rubin, 42, in January and charged him with using a stolen credit card, but unanswered was why Rubin also tried to use his own store discount card to get a lower price on the merchandise. It was Rubin’s name on the discount card that tipped off police, and it was not immediately clear why Rubin wanted to save a few bucks off a bill that would be sent to someone else.

Cosmetic Surgery News The Seattle Post-Intelligencer, reporting the latest of 10 lawsuits against dentist Thomas Laney, 55, found “flaws” in Washington state’s medical disciplinary system, in that Laney was apparently doing “full-body cosmetic surgeries.” Laney was being sued this time by a woman for allegedly botching her breast-reduction. His attorney told a reporter that negative outcomes happen, but that Laney should not be held responsible unless the patient suffers deformities that are “terribly, terribly wrong.” (When an earlier patient of his died after surgery, Laney was “disciplined” with a fine and an order to get additional training.) Also, five years ago, News of the Weird reported that a Philadelphia woman had undergone $10,000 elective surgery to shorten one toe and straighten another so that her foot would look better in the fashionable shoes she coveted. According to an October report by London’s Daily Mail, foot surgeons’ business has improved, especially since Manolo Blahnik’s sleek, narrow models have become so popular. In addition to shortening and narrowing, young women seem concerned about the symmetry of their “toe cascades” (the curve from the big toe around to the little toe) and whether their ankles are shapely enough, with some women opting for liposuction on the lower calf.

Pentagon Drops A Bomb In a March change of regulations, the Pentagon began saving money by reducing “combat-injury” benefits for all except those wounded while actually fighting, explaining that combat-”related” injuries were simply not worthy of full compensation. Thus, in examples offered by The Washington Post in November, Marine Cpl. James Dixon and Army Sgt. Lori Meshell were not entitled to full combat-injury coverage for their Iraq wounds (Dixon from a roadside bomb and a land mine, and Meshell while diving for cover during a mortar attack) because neither was actually fighting at the time. (Dixon, initially denied about $16,000 by the classification, recently won a hard-fought reversal, but Meshell, drawing $1,200 less per month because of the change, is still appealing.)

Swoosh! When Arien O’Connell posted the fastest time in October’s Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco, she expected of course to be declared the winner, but the shoe company apparently had promised a group of elite runners (to attract them to enter the race) that one of them would be the “winner,” and consequently, first place went to a woman who ran 11 minutes behind O’Connell. After a storm of complaints, Nike reluctantly settled on calling both women “winners” and said next year it would scrap the two-tier system.

Big Brother London’s Daily Mail reported (after an investigation under Britain’s freedom of information act) that more than half of the local government councils responding admitted that they were using anti-terror laws and surveillance equipment to monitor such mundane activities as whether residents put their garbage out at the proper times for pickup. Said one prominent critic, “We are no longer living in what most would recognize as a free society.”

The 2,920 Days Of Christmas When we last heard of Andy Park, of Melksham, England, in 2002, he was in his eighth straight year of celebrating Christmas every single day of his life, with not only seasonal decorations and cards mailed to himself but a full holiday meal including turkey and champagne. However, as he told the Daily Mail in November, “The credit crunch is getting to me big time,” and he has been forced to cut back a bit on the presents he gives himself. Nonetheless, every morning since July 14, 1994, Park continues to arise and open his presents before starting on his full meal and mince pie. He also watches the queen’s Christmas speech on video. Yes, he admits, “People do think I’m (nuts).”

Nice Bra, Bra! The Wishroom lingerie shop on Japan’s Internet shopping mall Rakuten announced in November that it had already sold more than 300 of its new bras specially made for men (about $30 each) since the product launch earlier in the month. A Wishroom official told a Reuters reporter: “We’ve been getting feedback from customers saying, ‘Wow,’ we’d been waiting for this for such a long time.”

Unsurance In November, the Great American Insurance Co. (Cincinnati, Ohio) sought a declaration in federal court in Houston that it was not liable to pay death benefits from a 2007 office fire because the three victims did not die from “fire.” The company pointed to an exclusion in the policy for death by “pollution” (thought by most people to cover only toxic industrial discharges) and argued that the three victims were actually asphyxiated by smoke, which is “air pollution.”

Justice Has Been Drinking Kathleen Cherry, 53, was arrested for DUI in Carson City, NV, in December. She is a phlebotomist working on contract with the sheriff’s office and was driving to the jailhouse to administer a blood test to a DUI suspect. Also, Stephen Foster, 28, was jailed briefly in June in Edmonton, Alberta, when he showed up in court drunk for his DUI trial. The driving charge was postponed until December, and at that time a court found him not guilty.

Litigiousness Gone Wild Two customers who lined up for the 5 a.m. November “Black Friday” opening at the Long Island, NY, Wal-Mart (in which a worker was crushed to death) filed lawsuits against the store because of the crowd’s unruliness. Fritz Mesadieu, 51, and son Jonathan, 19, said they got neck and back pain from the surge of customers and that their medical and legal expenses amounted to at least $2 million. And more than 130 lawsuits were filed in November and December by inmates at a state prison in Beaumont, Texas, who claimed to suffer psychological trauma because prison officials failed to prepare them well for Hurricane Ike, which hit the city in September. Elizabeth Shelton, 21, filed a lawsuit in Houston in December against the truck driver that she accidentally rear-ended in a 2007 crash, while she was intoxicated, and in which her boyfriend was killed. Though she was convicted of manslaughter, she is now suing for $20,000 damage to her Lexus SUV and for “pain and suffering,” basing her claim on the fact that the blameless driver she hit was uninsured. In all, her lawsuit names 16 defendants, including insurance companies and banks. Shelton is the daughter of a state court judge.

If Man Were Meant To Fly… In December, a Flybe Airline flight from Cardiff, Wales, was preparing to land as scheduled at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris when the pilot announced that they had to return to Cardiff because, he said, “Unfortunately, I’m not qualified to land the plane in Paris.” Because of the heavy fog, the plane would have to be instrument-landed, and the pilot had not yet completed certification. And in September, after a Chinese Shandong airline flight landed safely in Zhengzhou, the engine died, and the airline was forced to enlist some of the 69 passengers to help employees push the plane to the gate.

Unclear On The Concept As the British government was poised in November to re-classify lap-dancing clubs from “entertainment” to “sexual encounter establishments” (thus imposing tougher licensing standards), the industry’s trade association insisted to a Parliamentary committee that the clubs are not sexual. “(T)he entertainment may be in the form of nude … performers, but it’s not sexually stimulating,” said the chairman of the Lap Dancing Association. That would be “contrary to our business plan.”

Rodents’ Revenge A few animals were rescued from an early morning fire at a Humane Society shelter in Oshawa, Ontario, in December, but cats suffered heavy casualties, with nearly 100 perishing. The Fire Marshal’s office said the blaze was probably started by mice chewing through electrical wires.

Canine Love In February in Dover-Foxcroft, Maine, Phillip Buble’s father was convicted of attempting to murder Phillip, 44, by smacking him in the head with a crowbar because Phillip would not cease public displays of affection with Lady, a mixed-breed dog to whom Phillip considers himself married “in the eyes of God.” The next month, Phillip gave a 30-minute presentation to a state legislative committee urging that it not pass a pending anti-bestiality bill (though Phillip describes himself personally as a “zoophile” and not a bestialist). Lady had to wait for him in the car because dogs are not allowed in the chamber. In April, Phillip was fined $50 for having an unlicensed dog (not Lady; it was apparently a side dog).

Weirdness From The Archives In 1983, convicted South Carolina murderer Michael Godwin, then 22, succeeded in getting an appeals court to reduce his death-by-electric-chair sentence to one of life in prison at the Central Correctional Institution in Columbia, SC. Six years later, in March 1989, while sitting naked on a metal toilet and attempting to fix earphones that were connected to a television set, Godwin bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Also from the vaults, Willie Windsor, 54, of Phoenix has for several years lived as a full-time baby, wearing frilly dresses, diapers and bonnets, sucking on a pacifier, eating Gerber cuisine and habitually clutching a rag doll, in a home filled with oversized baby furniture. According to a long Phoenix New Times profile in June, the diaper is not just a prop. Windsor said he worked hard to learn to become incontinent, even chaining the commode shut to avoid temptation, and the reporter admitted feeling “disconcert(ed)” that Windsor might be relieving himself at the very moment he was describing his un-toilet training. Apparently, Windsor’s brother, ex-wife, girlfriend and a neighbor tolerate his lifestyle (though no girlfriend has yet been willing to change his diapers). Windsor is a semi-retired singer-actor and said he’s been celibate for nine years.

Aptly Named Indicted for cocaine possession in Montgomery County, Ohio, in November: Mr. Dalcapone Alpaccino Morris, 20. Charged in Columbia, SC, in November with running down her boyfriend with her car and breaking his leg: Ms. Princess Killingsworth. Charged with felonious battery in Bloomington, IN, in October: Ms. Fellony Silas. Arrested in Carrollton, KY, in December for allegedly hitting a man in the face with a hammer: Mr. Jamel Nails. Among those arrested in a drug roundup in Greenwood, SC., in December were people with the street names Black Pam, Lil Bit, Goat, Ewok and Truck Stop.

Tom Owen was hospitalized in October with severe injuries after he attempted to break the Guinness Book record by being run over by eight vehicles (with the last one, a box truck, leaving him in bad shape). Owen got certification, though, because the truck did pass completely over him.

Don’t Mess With Catholics

A restaurant owner in Rutino, Italy (near Salerno), told police in November that as he was negotiating over the building’s lease with his landlords, one hit him in the head with a chair and two others kicked him repeatedly in the stomach. The landlords were not from the mafia, but were a priest and two nuns from the local Catholic order that owns the building.

All Praise The Almighty GPS

In July, a group of 10 children and 16 adults from California were stranded in their cars in wilderness near cliffs close to the Grand Canyon, to which they had been misdirected by their navigation system. Rescuers were able to talk them back the next day on their cell phones. Also in July, a truck driver hauling a 32-ton load from Turkey through several European countries headed for Gibraltar in the southern tip of Spain missed his destination by about 1,600 miles, winding up at a dead end in Skegness, England. (Gibraltar is a British territory, though nowhere near the British Isles, but both places have a “Coral Road,” which was the destination.)

Kleptonympho

“I’m really sorry. … I thought he was just tired,” said Lynne Stewart, who was arrested in West Melbourne, FL, in October and charged with stealing items from a 56-year-old, unconscious man who in fact had just suffered a fatal heart attack during sex with Stewart. She blamed her larceny on a cocaine binge that impaired her judgment such that (according to a police commander) she had sex with 20 men that weekend. (However, she was not charged with prostitution. Said the commander, “No, she just likes sex.”)

Now Where Did I Put That Loophole?

A woman being interviewed for jury duty on a murder case in Bronx (NY) Supreme Court in October asked to be excused for the reason that she was once murdered, herself, by her husband (but had somehow been revived by a doctor). (She was dismissed from the jury, but on other grounds.) And in a recent report of DUI excuses in the Swedish newspaper Nerikes Allehanda, a 56-year-old woman had asserted that, though she had been drinking, her driving was not affected because she had remembered to keep one eye closed so as not to be seeing double.

Why There’s A Utah

The quasi-religious “philosophical” group Summum has been on News of the Weird’s radar since 1988, when leader “Corky” Ra and his small band in Utah began offering to mummify household pets for $7,000, or create statues of them for $18,000 (though the price is considerably higher today), with an eye toward future mummification of humans, as illustrative of its core precept that “the soul moves forward” even though the body is memorialized. In November, the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments that a city park in Pleasant Grove, Utah, must allow Summum to place a monument with “The Seven Aphorisms” next to the existing monument of the Ten Commandments. (Summum’s Aphorisms shore up the soul-movement belief by recognizing, for example, such properties as psychokinesis and the constant vibration of bodies.) The court is expected to rule later this term.

You’re Dead To Me

A New York Times dispatch from India highlighted the growing problem of intra-family frauds in which one member claims a living relative’s land or wealth by swearing to the government that the relative is dead. According to the Times, the “deceased” had finally begun to fight back. An advocacy group, the Association of Dead People, helps aggrieved citizens figure out how to prove that they are alive, which can be difficult, given India’s slow-moving bureaucracies. The association’s founder said that he personally had tried to authenticate his existence by public actions such as running for office, filing lawsuits and getting arrested, but that he nonetheless remained officially dead.

The Straight Poop

Many people believe Israelis have more important things to worry about these days, but the city government of Petah Tikva (a Tel Aviv suburb) became the latest municipality to implement a registry of dog DNA, to encourage owners to pick up after their pets in the city’s streets and parks. Abandoned droppings will be analyzed and those dogs’ owners punished. Also, the Christmas Nativity scenes in northeast Spain’s Catalonia region have, for three centuries, featured not only Mary and the Three Wise Men, but the ubiquitous “caganer” icon, always portrayed with pants down answering a call of nature (and often so obscured in the scene as to popularize Where’s-Waldo-type guessing by children). The origin of the caganer (literally, “pooper”) is unclear, but some regard it merely as symbolic of equality (in that everyone has bowel movements). Catalonia is now home to artists who craft statuettes of religious figures poised to relieve themselves, and the franchise extends to renditions of sports figures and celebrities (and even a squatting President Bush). One family in Girona province sells about 25,000 a year, according to a November dispatch in Germany’s Der Spiegel.

The Humble Hummer

Merle Sorenson, 48, had to be rescued from the Columbia River near Quincy, WA, in October, where he nearly drowned after driving his Humvee off of a boat launch. He told the rescuers that he was trying to clean his tires and wanted to see how far he could drive the vehicle into the water but still be able to back out. Also, Hummer H2 driver Yvonne Sinclair, 29, was convicted of gross vehicular manslaughter in November in Rancho Cucamonga, CA, from a 2006 crash that killed two people and in which her intoxication was a major factor. Sinclair had bought the Hummer from proceeds of a lawsuit settlement over the 2003 death of her boyfriend, who was killed by a drunk driver.

Bring Back The Mimeograph!

When the Poway Unified School District near San Diego cut teachers’ printing budgets this year, some handout-intensive instructors had to dip into their own pockets to keep their students supplied. Calculus teacher Tom Farber decided in September to sell ad space on page one of his exams, at $10 for a quiz and up to $30 on the semester final. As of November, he told the San Diego Union-Tribune, only parent-sponsored inspirational messages have been bought, but he said he would welcome certain retailers’ ads.

The Future Is Now

A group of recently published cookbooks touting imaginative dishes served by world-renowned chefs includes Ferran Adria’s volume on just his everyday fare at the world’s top-rated elBulli in Spain. Probably too complex for home cooking are the parmesan ice cream sandwiches, quail eggs with crispy caramel coating, calamari tube ravioli with coconut gel, and especially the preserved tuna-oil air (to create foam). However, for about $250, wannabes can purchase Adria’s “Sferificacion MiniKit” with utensils and guidance on more manageable possibilities, such as watermelon soup with tomato spheres.

Dumb Criminals

Police in Covington, KY, arrested Gregory Griggs, 19, in October at the USA Motel, a suspected drug market. Though several people were booked that night, Griggs was the one wearing the t-shirt that read, “It’s Not Illegal Unless You Get Caught.” Robert Garrett, 33, and Jesse Dyer, 32, were arrested in Lincoln, NE, in November and charged with burglary and the theft of a 55” TV, which they had taken to their car, only to realize that it wouldn’t fit. When a next-door neighbor spotted them, they tried to bribe her for $100, to hold the set until they could return with a bigger car, but she called the police.
Also, Joseph Barton, 62, and an associate were arrested in November by local drug officials in Hurley, NY, and charged with a marijuana growing and distribution scheme of “epic scope and sophistication,” according to a Middletown Times Herald-Record report. Besides the 45 pounds of marijuana seized, the chief evidence is copies of Barton’s self-made biographical DVD chronicling a life of drug deals, describing candidly his adventures and business acumen.

Jesus’ Recent Public Appearances:

Arkansas City, KS, September (Jesus on the ceiling of the One Stop Body Shoppe weight-loss clinic). Pittsburg, TX, August (Jesus on the body of a moth). Goshen, IN, July (Jesus in the facial fur of the family cat). High Ridge, MO, July (Jesus on a Cheeto). Arlington, TX, September (Mary on a grape). Pompano Beach, FL, November (Jesus on a slice of French toast). Gulf Shores, AL, September (Jesus in the drywall of a home under construction).

You Thought Your Vacation Sucked…

Larry and Diana Moyer set out in November from Beaver Dam, WI, in their oversized RV to spend some warm days in St. Petersburg, FL. Since they travel with their pets, Jack (Diana’s “service” kangaroo) and Edward (an elderly goat that uses a cart for mobility because of front-leg paralysis), their route south was circuitous because of some states’ restrictions on “exotic” pets. The RV broke down three times. In Florida, Larry had a stroke and was hospitalized for two days. Then, a fuse box short-circuited, and the RV burned up, torching their money and ID. Diana was hospitalized for smoke inhalation. With Red Cross help, they found a motel that accepted goats (but not kangaroos, so Jack went overnight to a wildlife facility). At press time, according to a Tampa Tribune report, the couple had bought a junk car and were headed home, with Jack curled up in Diana’s lap.