News of the Weird: July ‘10
Issue 5, Volume 6, July 2010Filed Under: News of the Weird
News of the Weird: July ‘10 Zero Love Briton Robert Dee, feeling humiliated at being called the “world’s worst tennis pro” by London’s Daily Telegraph (and other news organizations) sued the newspaper for libel last year. After taking testimony in February 2010, the judge tossed out the lawsuit in April, persuaded by Dee’s having lost 54 consecutive international tour matches (all in straight sets). Fearful of an opposite result, 30 other news organizations had already... [Read more...]
Horrorscopes: July ‘10
Issue 5, Volume 6, July 2010Lance Stardancer
Filed Under: Horrorscopes
CANCER: No matter how hard I try to sugarcoat it, your July prophecy will still have a bitter aftertaste. But not to worry; in keeping with your vaunted ingenuity, you’ve set aside several gallons of cut-rate vodka to neutralize the flavor until at least late February, 2011. Get back to me then. LEO: Try to think of yourself in your glowing youth: popular, charmingly handsome, and diligent in your work, because it will help you weather the icy reception you’ll receive at your upcoming... [Read more...]
Inquire of Romeo: July ‘10
Issue 5, Volume 6, July 2010Romeo Pomodoro
Filed Under: Inquire of Romeo
Dear Romeo, My wife, Mary, has worked from home for the past year or so, and as a result, she’s gotten more and more lazy and, dare I say it, much heavier due to her incurable sweet tooth. She rarely gets out of the house or lifts a finger to do anything; I do all the shopping, errand running, and cooking. I consider myself to be a pretty good cook, and she seems to like the meals I prepare. But the other night, something outrageous happened. I’d just cleared the table and went into the... [Read more...]
Ditch Fish
Issue 5, Volume 6, July 2010David Sherman
Filed Under: David Sherman
Ditch Fish • David Sherman • In years gone by, it was common practice for political candidates to hire a wagon with a band to head a parade through town. Bands being rather scarce at the time — even more so bands riding on wagons through the streets of a town — this would invariably draw a crowd. A crowd would follow until the bandwagon stopped, only to find that when the wagon stopped, the band stopped, and the polly-tickin’ began. Most would listen, at least for a little while,... [Read more...]
Spirits of 1776
Issue 5, Volume 6, July 2010Judy Forney
Filed Under: Judy Forney
Spirits of 1776 • Judy Forney • … or Declaration of Interdependence … or All my Rowdy Friends are Gonna Sing Tonight If you’ve studied animated television, then you realize I ripped off my title style from old episodes of “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.” That’s called freedom of speech, or maybe freedom of the press. … Or maybe my pilfering doesn’t even fall under any constitutional law or amendment. And that’s okay, because I was born... [Read more...]
News of the Weird: June ‘10
Issue 4, Volume 6, June 2010Filed Under: News of the Weird
News of the Weird: June ‘10 Nailed Former baseball star Lenny “Nails” Dykstra recently started accepting clients for his investment advice service, charging $999 a year, according to a March Wall Street Journal report. His Web site discloses that while Dykstra is “NOT” (his emphasis) a “registered” financial adviser, his “proven track record has caught the attention of many.” (Dykstra filed for bankruptcy in July 2009 to stave off more than 20 lawsuits... [Read more...]
Inquire of Romeo: June ‘10
Issue 4, Volume 6, June 2010Romeo Pomodoro
Filed Under: Inquire of Romeo
Inquire of Romeo: June ‘10 • Romeo Pomodoro • Oi Romeo! Yer the kitten’s knickers, Romeo, you bargy dago bastard! Never in all me natural have I had such a turkish as when I first read your larf-aloud palaver. Me and the lads was in Port Canaveral two fluffs back on shore leave on the tiddleydum and split our bloody sides gargling at the pair who fell off the horse’s in the middle of a starry shag. As it happens, this bird back in cherry’s got one of the blokes, Tommy, in... [Read more...]
Horrorscopes: June ‘10
Issue 4, Volume 6, June 2010Lance Stardancer
Filed Under: Horrorscopes
GEMINI: Hear that tuneful clink of coins cascading into the slot machine tray? Of course you do, because you’re always sitting next to the guy who hits the jackpot. That’s $71.50 you spent in nickels already. Quit while you’re ahead, hotshot. CANCER: In the world of automobiles you’re most like an Alfa Romeo — sleek, classy, and prestigious. Other drivers often covet you as you speed down the road like a sexy, scarlet bullet. Right now though, you’re in the back... [Read more...]
Excerpts from the Diary of a Three-Year-Old Gourmet
Issue 4, Volume 6, June 2010Dan Reiter
Filed Under: Dan Reiter
Excerpts from the Diary of a Three-Year-Old Gourmet • Dan Reiter • April 21: The morning’s menu was uninspired: cold banana yogurt followed up by a single, overripe banana, sliced into 3/4″ medallions. Pancakes with sweet syrup would have added much-needed texture to the menu. Perhaps the addition of an amuse-bouche, a chocolate caramel truffle, or even a graham cracker would have loosened the palate before the banana course. My suggestion to this effect was snubbed by the chef.... [Read more...]
No Stinking Excuse
Issue 4, Volume 6, June 2010Judy Forney
Filed Under: Judy Forney
No Stinking Excuse • Judy Forney • I was out riding my bike the other day and came up on one of those flashing signs warning of imminent roadwork. I didn’t know if the City or County or whomever was going to tear up roads, lay new sewer pipe, or pave a cycling lane (Now hey… There’s a good idea!) because the blinking lights didn’t spell out any reasons for the work. Besides, the “why” wasn’t what got my attention. It was the “when.” “Work... [Read more...]
