It’s The End of the World and We’re Gonna Miss It
Issue 11, Volume 7, January 2012M. Alberto Rivera
Filed Under: Local Scribes, M. Alberto Rivera
IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AND WE’RE GONNA MISS IT By M. Alberto Rivera Shopping in bulk feels like preparing for the apocalypse. Surely I can’t be alone in this sentiment. And while I feel as though our pantry is sufficiently spacious, I don’t think it was conceived with BJ’s, Sam’s Club, or Costco in mind. The once-a-month trip to the bulk emporium finds the otherwise spacious vehicle packed to the gills with absurd quantities of sundries and foodstuffs —... [Read more...]
And Yet More Random Notes
Issue 11, Volume 7, January 2012Rick LaClaire
Filed Under: Local Scribes, Rick LaClaire
AND YET MORE RANDOM NOTES By Rick LaClaire “Capitalism is the exploitation of man by men. Communism is just the opposite.” — Nikita Khrushchev Yes, another year has passed. They sure go fast, don’t they? It seems like only yesterday I was shaking out my leisure suit, looking for party leftovers. Nowadays I’m more likely to find a suppository wrapper. This phenomenon was best summed up by Bob Dylan. When asked how he felt when he turned the ripe old age of forty, he... [Read more...]
News of the Weird: December 2011
Issue 10, Volume 7, December 2011Filed Under: News of the Weird
Japan Again “Toto” is to sophisticated toilets in Japan as “Apple” is to consumer electronics in America. In September, Toto unveiled a prototype motorcycle with a toilet bowl to convert a driver’s waste into fuel, not only making it self-gassed-up but contributing to the company’s goal of reducing carbon dioxide emissions by 50 percent within six years. The company was launching a monthlong, cross-country publicity tour (presumably featuring a gastro-intestinally... [Read more...]
Inquire of Romeo: November 2011
Issue 9, Volume 7, November 2011Romeo Pomodoro
Filed Under: Inquire of Romeo
Dear Romeo, I’ve always loved sorority girls. They’re always gorgeous and always eager to party. I’ve dated quite a few since I started college, but I’ve never met anyone quite like Beth. Beth belongs to one of the most conservative Christian sororities on campus, and though she’s really pretty and has a great body, Beth looks down on people who drink and do drugs and has probably never been to a wild party in her life. Even though I’m one of the hardest-core partiers... [Read more...]
News of the Weird: November 2011
Issue 9, Volume 7, November 2011Filed Under: News of the Weird
News of the Weird: November 2011 Wrong Dolly The Learning Channel’s “Toddlers & Tiaras” series has pushed critics’ buttons enough with its general support of the competitive world of child beauty pageants, but a recent episode provoked unusually rabid complaints, according to a September New York Post report. Mother Lindsay Jackson had costumed her 4-year-old Maddy as “Dolly Parton,” with anatomically correct chest and backside. The Post described Maddy as... [Read more...]
Horrorscopes: November 2011
Issue 9, Volume 7, November 2011Lance Stardancer
Filed Under: Horrorscopes
SCORPIO: The leaves are changing somewhere north of here, and you’re going through some equally colorful changes of your own down south. By all means celebrate, but resist the temptation to announce your first pubic hair. It would be unseemly for a man of your advanced age. SAGITTARIUS: No one has ever doubted your worldliness or reputation as a jetsetter, so try not to show off too much this Thanksgiving. An around the world-themed feast starts well with Norwegian lox and Salade Nicoise, but... [Read more...]
Wasted Day
Issue 9, Volume 7, November 2011Rick LaClaire
Filed Under: Rick LaClaire
Wasted Day • Rick LaClaire “And the hangovers hurt more than they used to…” — Hank Williams, Jr. I have a musician friend with a theory about life expectancy. He claims that each of us is born with a preprogrammed number of breaths and heartbeats; that each of us, regardless of how we treat our bodies, is doomed to wear out anyway at a certain specified point. G. Gordon Liddy once said that the maximum mileage of the human machine is 125 years. If you didn’t smoke, drink,... [Read more...]
O, Pioneers! Part IV: Sodbusters
Issue 8, Volume 7, October 2011Filed Under: Local Scribes, Rick LaClaire
O, Pioneers! Part IV: Sodbusters • By Rick LaClaire • It is August as I write this… August in one of the driest Florida summers I can recall. You’ve often heard me warn of dry Florida summers — heat, fire, misery… But that’s on the mainland. Beachside’s a different story. Dry summers mean that every day is a beach day. The surf warms and stays that way (unless we get an upwelling — we’ll talk about that some other time). So what if your lawn... [Read more...]
Horrorscopes: September 2011
Issue 7, Volume 7, September 2011Lance Stardancer
Filed Under: Horrorscopes
VIRGO: Put aside your cynicism and bad attitude for a few weeks and you’ll find you’re much happier being ignorant and spiteful. LIBRA: You may find your little heart all aflutter this month. Is it that special someone you’ve been ogling at the gym or is it a clogged artery? Only time will tell. SCORPIO: Your work habits have improved greatly these past few months but unfortunately will garner you no rewards. Now fill this cup with pee and price that case of Pop Tarts before I write... [Read more...]
Inquire of Romeo: September 2011
Romeo PomodoroFiled Under: Inquire of Romeo
Inquire of Romeo: September 2011 By Romeo Pomodoro Dear Romeo, My girlfriend Angie is a great looking girl and attracts stares from guys every time we go out. I admit I get a thrill out of showing her off because it reminds me of how lucky I am. Angie has always been a conservative dresser. She could go out in an ankle-length parka and muddy galoshes and still get attention. But since she turned 35 this past June, she’s taken to wearing more revealing clothing — sometimes too revealing,... [Read more...]
