Inquire of Fursey

Dear Fursey,

I can’t stop dreaming about you. You dole out such great advice, I’m sure you’re the man of my dreams. I’m a little married, but that shouldn’t be a problem and get in the way of our romance. How can we make our bodies become one?

Desperately Seeking Fursey

Cocoa, Florida

Dear DFF,

I’ve always wanted to do that. Sort of Jeff Goldblum Brundlefly style. Let me try it with you and my cat first, to see how it turns out. Teleportation is under-rated.

Dear OVB,

I can’t stand it when men think they are God’s gift to women. I’m a pretty young girl and I’m constantly being approached by guys who seem convinced my sole purpose in life is to sleep with them. When they do even bother to ask me my name, they can’t remember it? What’s up with this?

Ample Bosomski

The Villages

Dear Sweetness,

You sound hot. What was your name again?

Dear Furs-man,

I’m sure you’ve been asked this many times, but I think readers would like to know your feelings about sex on the beach. Do tell…

Sandy Draws

Melbourne

Dear Sandpaper Sally,

Having sex on the beach is for people who don’t have a yacht. Me, I prefer smashing it out whilst watching a cotton-candy sunset over the starboard side of my schooner. I just like to make sure the barkeep has plenty of OJ and grenadine on hand.

Dear Fursey,

My boyfriend has some really annoying pet names for me and I want him to stop using them — or at least find something better than using “Sugar Britches.” Please help.

Tired of it,

Sadie from up north

Cocoa Beach

Hey Yooz,

Begin to refer to him in 3rd person with names such as “pustulating sausage man”, “my little herpetic whitlow”, and “fungating mushroom cap”. I believe he will get the hint.

Honorable Mr. O’Veebee

We all know our position on love and sex, but I’m wondering who you support for the coming elections. There are so many issues that need addressing out there: abortion, weed legalization, health care and education, to name a few. Can you give us your position?

Elizabeth,

Brevard County

My Fellow Americans,

Let me say first and foremost, that I am a big supporter of the women’s movement and 100% behind all women’s movements. Particularly the movement of their behinds.  As for positions, I have many but will only share them in private. You know what they say about politics and religion. Just remember I speak softly and carry a big stick.

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